WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO GO TO SPACE?

              Wanna go to space? Axe Body spray, aka the official smell of trying too hard, is finally offering the opportunity to go to space to 22 weak men with no taste. Apparently this contest was launched in January, but I pay such little attention to Axe body spray and all of their "kickass" endeavors that it must have slipped by the sonar somehow. I'm glad I caught this when I did though, because this is the dumbest shit I've ever heard of in my 23 years on the life sustaining planet of Earth, where you can actually live.
              I do have to say one thing. This promotion seems right up Axe's alley because their consumers are monumentally stupid. You're talking about a demographic of people who would enter to win in a contest where the grand prize is a power bomb delivered by Randy Couture because chicks dig how "extreme" it is, then Axe sticks you with the medical bills for your ruptured pancreas and broken ribcage. Everyone knows that Axe is the ultimate pussy repellant, and in space, no one can here you scream about how bad your blue balls hurt. So unless this is just a big ploy for Axe to find 22 of their most scandalous, unappealing consumers and maroon them out in the abyss of space as the ultimate pro bono gesture to human kind (which the contestants would just haaaaaaaaave to understand) these guys are in for a surprise.
              What could the appeal possibly be? They understand that it's just black up there right? That once you get up into space, which never ever ever ends, you can see Earth and the moon and that's it. It's not like being in New York, where you look at exactly the right moment on west 35th street and you get a clear shot at the Empire State Building. You don't just look to your right and see Jupiter like it's right down the fucking street. These guys are going to get up to the space station, realize that there's no Jaegermeister or Saturnian space women to dry hump against their will and want to turn around immediately. 

WHY ARE WE MAD AT THE ABERCROMBIE GUY?

   

      I knowwwwwwwwwwwww it's been a minute since you've heard from me. Graduating college is a bitch o saurus rex, but it's over, and now I belong to you. Linguistically, mentally....sexually. I'm all yours 30 readers of my blog. In any case, Abercrombie and Fitch is in the news. Everyone is pissed off at CEO Mike Jeffries for being a rotten asshole and talking shit about fat bitches and how fat they are. The firestorm started when this talking marzipan goblin sat down for an interview with "Salon".........in 2006. That's right, his quote about fat girls has been on the record for almost 10 years now, but because a new book about retail strategies is coming out, the media is knocking the dust off this fat lipped human(?) and his comments. Of course a comment about husky dames is going to spread over the internet like a wildfire, who do you think is patrolling Buzzfeed 24 hours a day? Fat girls are. Tumblr, Pinterest, Blogger (cough, cough) this list goes on, and before all of you hop on the comment board and try to decapitate my writing career, let's look at both sides of this.

        Do you really actually have a right to be mad at him? Let's be real. The fact that he has been so vocal about his shallow values is a HORRIBLE business move. If he's trying to market his shit to "cool kids", then he should know that "cool kids"have influence, and kids in general have all their shit paid for by their parents. Cool, not cool, doesn't matter. 14 year olds are not making enough money umpiring little league baseball games to go out and buy their own $120 jeans at Abercrombie. So no matter what, even if the "cool kids" make the uncool kids (shoutout to myself) want to wear these clothes, liberal, self righteous ass mothers with size 10 daughters are not stepping foot into your store anymore, gringo. They saw Ellen make fun of you on her show, it's a wrap. HOWEVER, just because his business philosophy is flawed, is he not allowed to use it?

      I've got news for you, EVERY reputable fashion designer does this. They give their shit away to celebrities for free so US Weekly can snap a picture of Heidi Klum in UGG boots on 5th Avenue and every housewife in America goes out and drops a c note on ugly sheepskin boots. No designer wants fat bitches in their clothes, that's why Adele shows up to every award show in a flowered moo moo that she picked up in between recording sessions at the closest JC Penny. Versace did the same shit in 2011 when they pulled a campaign with H & M that would have "real" New York women modeling their clothes, but a size 6 was too fat for Donatella Versace and her deep fried chicken face.

     How does any of this surprise you? You mean to tell me that the store that hangs blown up black and white pictures of half naked 19 year olds all over their walls and charges 65 dollars for a T-shirt doesn't want the women's highschool field hockey team shopping in their store? The store synonymous with fraternity guys in white sunglasses looking for date rape pills at 2:30 in the morning doesn't want size tens hanging around the check out counter? Someone please get the defibrillator as fast as you can, I think my heart just went into cardiac arrest from the shock.

     Fat girls, listen to me. I love you, I really do. You guys have fantastic jokes, and you make bomb ass spinach and artichoke dip, but you need to understand that some things are exclusionary because they're just stupid and not cool to begin with. I'm talking about country clubs, the clergy, and now Abercrombie. I know your confidence is already pretty low because you unload your emotions into a basket of curly fries but you should not let a man like Mike Jeffries get you down because he looks like a piece of a mountain that was enchanted by a wizard and given the power of communication.

      He is the most hideous living thing on planet earth. He resides on the lowest level of the hideous pyramid along with possums, mules, naked mole rats, and horseshoe bats. There is no defending this man in the ugly category. It looks like he left a sandwich on his face at the beach and seagulls came and ate his skin off. We're talking about a man who is approaching the tender age of 70, and still wears flip flops to work because college is cool and who wants to grow up?

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