TIM DUNCAN IS THE MOST SWAGGERLESS HUMAN BEING ON EARTH

 

     Hey fam. The NBA Finals are over. People are mad though because the Spurs lost. The thought process is that the Spurs "play the game of basketball the way it was meant to be played.....LIKE A TEAM." Give me a fucking break please. They are the most boring team on earth to watch. They play the game like my grandfather and 4 of his friends do. Firm chest passes around the perimeter to other white men with doo wop hair cuts. Just atrocious to watch in the year 2013 man. Blake Griffin jumps over people and tea bags their eyeballs with his scrotum, why would I be excited about Manu Ginobli and his absurd bald spot playing stymied defense on Norris Cole in the 2nd quarter of a home game in San Antonio, a city that literally has 0 business harboring an NBA team to begin with. Fuck Texas up the ass with their bullshit about trying to secede from the country every 8 years.

     In any case, I didn't watch much of the finals. Because I am a Knicks fan, I hate both of these teams with an infinite fury despite roster. The Heat were a bunch of thugs in the 90's who used to hide razor blades in their sweatbands and try to cut Charlie Ward's nipples off, and The Spurs stopped Patrick Ewing from getting a ring in '99 and that made me cry because I was 10, but my hatred for one person has remained constant throughout his career. Tim Fuckin' Duncan.
 

Tim Duncan, aka Robot Jones, aka the black Gumby, aka Admiral Killjoy, is the ring leader of this let's use the backboard dogshit basketball the Spurs have been playing for almost 2 decades. Every body talks about Duncan every year saying what a surprise it is that his numbers are good, and that's because no one will watch the Spurs play a single game of 1890's style fundamental Canadian basketball except for people who live in San Antonio who were able to sneak the game in in between cleaning their guns and planning the uprising. It looks like Duncan found a book in the library on basketball, read it, and just picked up a ball on the court and started figuring out the geometric flight paths of the ball off the glass. Absolutely 0 physical play from a man who came up in an era of basketball that featured fist fights and excelsior levels of shit talking. His actual real life voice sounds like when black comedians make fun of white people because we pay our taxes on time and take out life insurance policies to protect our children financially in case Meryl Lynch folds and we jump out the window. I couldn't even imagine the on the court conversations between Duncan and mental giant, Shaq, with his droll ogre pattern of speech.

Shaq- "Nice shot back there stupid. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put my mouth on yo momma's pussy lips after the game. We're going to have a really nice time in my Rhode Island sized Superman bed."

Duncan- "Well that's not very nice Shaquille. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take your mother out for a very nice dinner at Spargo, because she deserves to be treated like a lady. Then I will fill her uterus with my seed, and in 9 months when our child is harvested, I will enroll him into private school and start an orange ING account with a modest interest rate so he can go to a top university."

     Besides being the most unenthusiastic living organism on the basketball court at any given time, his behavior off the court is abhor ant, and by that I mean it's not rowdy enough. In my opinion, it's absolutely bananas to me that the NBA, NFL, and MLB fine players for touchdown dances, and doing dumb bullshit off the field of play. Never ever forget that we gravitate to all of these athletes because they are entertainers, plain and simple airgo, their personalities are what attract us to them. This can even raise the bar on some athletes career. Everyone knows Ron Artest. Is it because he has hall of fame numbers? No. It's because some scumbag in Detroit tried to get cute and pour a beer on his head, so Artest (being from the Queensbridge projects. Don't fuck with Queens) ran into the stands, and PUNCHED this dude in the fucking face. Talk about a standout personality. Some people like the blue collar (white) guy who brings his fucking lunch to work in a brown bag because he's barely good enough to be on the practice squad, but he runs 10 extra suicides in practice to dress on Sunday because he doesn't wanna go back and work at the steel mill. I personally like Deon Sanders wearing gold chains and feathers fucking every model that comes within 50 feet of him. Think about it, who's more entertaining?

    You know who's not entertaining? Tim ASSFACE Duncan. How am I supposed to admire a man who makes 9.6 million dollars a year and buys all of his clothe off the clearance rack at Sears? He shows up to every fucking press conference like he just jumped out of a mid 90's R and B video. LOOK AT HIM!

        The Timberland store in the mall by my house closed like, 2 years ago or so, and I feel like it's because Tim Duncan came to town to play the Nets and decided to go shopping. Then a bunch of people saw him walk out of the Timberland store and people started muttering to each other "Is that how we're going to look? Holy shit no thanks," then BAM. Timberland lands right in the shit house.

         In any case, the Heat took home the hardware the other night, and I'm ok with it I guess because I'm warming up to Lebron again. He's kind of becoming an arrogant dickhead, and he should be because no one is even close to him on a talent level, so I'm down with that. Basketball season is over, and the Mets suck dick, so this will probably be the last sports rant you get from me for a little while.

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PEACE

MARATHONS ARE STUPID

         What's happening? I graduated college. It took me 6 years but I finally got out of academic prison. I'm like the Van Wilder of north jersey without any of the swagger or appeal to other human beings in any way. In any case you caught me in a momentary lapse where my time is being spent writing this and attempting to steal Kanye West albums off the internet machine instead of job hunting.
        Someone asked me yesterday if I wanted to participate in the Tough Mudder, and then I had a record breaking eye roll that was visible from Neptune. Why the fuck would anybody want to be a part of any of these horrific death races? Especially when there's no altruistic endeavor involved. Charity runs make sense at least, but those are stupid as well. Stop running and write a check already dude, kids have autism and hangnails and shit.

Tough Mudder- Just look at this motherfucking website. Their tagline is literally "Probably the toughest event on the planet." Please Tough Mudder PR team, go ahead and pat yourself on the back a little fucking harder. Your event is probably way harder than guerrilla warfare, launching a rocket into space, or childbirth, you're right.  If anyone on this planet needs more evidence than fossils to prove that we're descendants of monkeys, just flip on this video and watch thousands of juiced up men and "women" pound their fucking fists in the mud like a bunch of damn silver back apes. Sponsored by Under Armour, Wheaties, and domestic violence, this gay romp through wet dirt comes complete with violent groans and maneuvering through barbed wire. This is the kind of thing that people who love energy drinks and desert painted Jeep Wranglers mark on their calenders so they can plan their cycle intake of Jack'd 3D accordingly and have a reason to wear their brand new Tapout compression shorts in public. I get enough of that bullshit at any New Jersey beach without doing over the top physical activity, and the difference is I don't have to peel off dried mud from the inside of my asshole when I leave.

New York Marathon- By far the most noble of the marathons. Most major cities have one but mine is obviously New York so as far as I'm concerned it's the dopest. This one makes the most sense. People come from like Trinidad and Tobago, and Iran, to Irun this fucking race. The purse is big (if you're Kenyan enough to win the race) and the city basically goes on lock down with cool bar crawls because of how much attention it brings all the local businesses, but just look at this map.

 GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD DAMN (Chris Tucker voice). You run through each of the 5 boroughs, even the ones that don't count (shout out to Staten Island and the boogie down), and you have to run across the Verrazano bridge. HO-LEE-SHIT, would you get a load of this?

I get anxiety DRIVING over this bridge, yet alone packing myself onto it with 30,000 people wearing day glo tank tops and fanny packs.  If you sign up for this marathon you have to commit to spending your entire day running, just running. No dirty water dogs, no sex in the city tour. This is it. That's a pretty heavy commitment. 

Color Run-Like a roving Ke$ha concert, the Color Run pops into most major cities leaving runners looking like they just took a money shot from a cartoon character. Nothing like having dried chalk thrown at you when you are hemorrhaging sweat from every pore in your body, right? You can literally just run up on someone and smash this shit in someone's face like they deserved some kind of punishment. This is the me generation dictating that WE WON'T EXERCISE UNLESS IT IS FUN AND COLORFUL.  

Zombie Run- If you love full throttle cardio vascular workouts while simultaneously having panic attacks, the zombie run is the race for you. Let's be clear right from the get go. If you're one of those people that talk about "The Zombie Apocalypse" you're a nerd and your friends don't like you. There will never be a zombie apocalypse, it cannot happen. Stop telling people that if it happens you need to have pounds of iodized salt to fight zombie infection and an underground bunker. There is no strand of disease that will turn people into zombies. There is no angle that the moon can hit to rise decaying bodies from the grave. Just shut the fuck up and watch more episodes of "Doctor Who" in your bunker filled with Gushers and Ragu tomato sauce and leave the rest of us alone. The only way this race would actually be appealing would be if the zombies were somehow real, and ate these mouth breathing simpletons so there was more room on the subway for the rest of us. 

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PEACE