So this weekend was the MTV VMAs (Video Music Awards. Awards given to artists for their music videos by a television network that has nothing to do with music.) This thing was a shit show if you didn't see it. First off, MTV hosted this thing at the Barclays Center, officially wiping any credibility Brooklyn still had as a tough city right off the fucking map. In Marine Park in the 70's, my mother had to wrap bicycle chains around her hands when she would walk home from school just in case the Irish kids up the street were pissed off because their parents were alcoholics and wanted to pick a fight with a little Italian girls. Nowadays you go to Brooklyn if you're allergic to gluten but still want to find a bakery that makes fluffy cupcakes. What happened? Second off, MTV reunited NSYNC for 8 seconds which sparked arguments in my head all night about whether or not I think their music is good (spoiler alert, I think it stinks because I'm not 13 anymore) . Third of all, and most importantly, MTV gave us an up close and personnel look at the most anxiety inducing performance of the decade, by the loudest voice of the most lackluster and dimwitted generation of Americans ever.
Miley Cyrus was transported to the Barclays Center stage in a giant teddy bear (a reference I still do not understand, given her new....whatever she's doing) and emerged from it's womb, scantily clad in a plastic leotard. Listen though, I'm not going to explain the entire performance it's too exhausting, just peep it here until Viacom takes this video down. The only thing you really have to know is that Robin Thicke came out in a black peppermint suit form the 1960's and looked completely uninterested as Miley rubbed up on him in an effort to get #Thicke.
Let me state my case right now before we dig deeper as we always do. I have no problem with what Miley is doing to her career and her hair and apparently her vagina. Frankly I don't really care. It's her mouth, she can say what she wants to. In fact, Noisy killed it again and ran a great post (that you can read here) that made a lot of good points in her defense. However, that is not going to stop me from slandering the shit out of her on the internet LOLZ.
My big problem with her doing what she's doing is that she doesn't even look comfortable doing it. As "edgy" as her new image is, it in no way feels sincere. You can see it in the way she moves that there's a palpable awkwardness to just about every step she takes. Ma, how are we going to believe that you're a thirsty, lip licking deviant if all of your moves look rehearsed. It's like her family rallied together at this meeting in their giant ranch because they're so "country" (Mickey Mouse payed for that shit by the way) and her mother choreographed these "hot" moves she learned from Van Halen videos in 1984 into a step by step routine. You can see it when the performance starts at :18. It's like she forgets to stick her tongue out while she's walking down the stairs and then remembers that it's part of the routine (either that or she's too stupid to walk down stairs and stick her tongue out at the same time, which is possible). Then she continues to sensually stroke her pony tail, or at least the area of her head where a ponytail would be because apparently she forgot that she didn't have one, but had to get the move in so she didn't mess the routine up. This brings me to my second point.
I don't understand why people are appalled by this. It's not appalling, it's just embarrassing. It's literally uncomfortable to watch no matter how old you are or what gender class you belong to. This is what corporate America has created. She's a cash cow and this isn't her own decision to do this shit, trust me. Someone in the Cyrus camp choked down the reality that this bitch just isn't that talented and now they're shoe horning her into a genre of music where you really don't have to be that talented to be successful, hip hop. All you need in hip hop is a dope beat and an attitude, but Miley doesn't actually have an attitude, someone just made one up for her and now we are all laughing (we are laughing at you, Miley). She's just a nerd, plain and simple. She has 0 natural sexual prowess, and I would put money down that she's never actually been penetrated because people who actually break a little piece off don't act like this, but you know who has had tons of sex? ROBIN MOTHERFUCKING THICKE who walked out on stage to go through the motions to get his paycheck (just look at how he walks, my man just got it like that).
Who the FUCK thinks this is sexy or hot? There is not a man on this planet that isn't eeked out by this. Miley is the text book drunk girl at the bar. She's the type that takes shots and dances on tables, but that's not enough attention for her, so she finds other girls to make out with and tries to rub their titties and shit like that, which is fine these days. The problem is that guys don't want to be anywhere near those girls because they are fucking embarrassing, and if your mother knew you were hanging out with them she would be pretty, pretty, pretty pissed off that you lowered your standards this low in public. If she was a friend of a friend that you met simply by chance while socializing and she started acting like this in public you'd be like "What the fuck is this girl doing? Can you tell her to stop?"Even Robin Thicke looked completely disinterested when Miley, and her Neo-Nazi haircut started rubbing her vagina all over him. She wanted to be #Thicke, but she is sooooo not #Thicke.
I'm going to be in Staten Island tonight at 9 at The Full Cup so come see me, fam. Hit me up on Twitter and Facebook @mikecoscarelli.
PEACE
