FREDDY MERCURY HAD A GIANT DICK AND COMMANDS YOUR RESPECT

         So yesterday I was paroozing the depths of Noisey.com (shout out to Noisey because their music coverage is superb) and I found this article. This is pretty fucking cool, I have to say. I've never been overly into Queen, or MJ (shut up and get your "why not?" shit out of my face. I don't have to like Queen or Michael Jackson) but I can get behind this because whatever album these duets come out on will crush on the charts and be 10 times better than Miley Cyrus and her cry for help. The story is funny because OF COURSE Michael Jackson brought a llama to the recording sessions because he was a fucking weirdo because his dad used to ram shoehorns up his asshole if he wanted a break from dance rehearsal. The main point of this is that I always had some respect for Freddy Mercury, he's a talented guy and made a mustache look as cool as someone could make a mustache look, but when Noisey posted this picture yesterday, the respect was elevated to the major league level.

     FREDDY MERCURY WAS STACKED BRO. Holy shit. It looks like he had been stuffing cereal bowls into his Levi's. I understand why his band was named Queen. Most people think it was because he was gay. Gay=Queen. Nope. His band was named Queen because no matter how silly his band name was he still wore leather jackets and had a bigger dick than you, so call a cab and head home cousin because you have no ammunition.

     How did I miss this? Were there signs that I missed when I was 12? Was there evidence?
Yep.

     BOOM

ELTON JOHN KNOWS

DARTH VADER DICK

LEOTARD DICK

     Holy mackerel. I wish I was around to hang out with him, he was probably the coolest guy. Guys with monster rods are always super cool because they have tons of confidence and nothing to prove. He would never like, try to challenge me to a foot race to see who the superior alfa male is like my uncle Sonny. Just a guy you could hang with. Maybe go to the gym and do some jumping jacks with, get a nice sweat going. I just would have liked to give him a high five. Game recognizing game, you know?

     So next time you breeze through Queen in your Itunes library, stop and listen to "Don't Stop Me Now", because Freddie could have fucked your mom, OR your dad. Respect.