ADAM LEVINE IS THE KEWLEST

       
        PSYCHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm kidding, Adam Levine is far from the coolest. They call that Gotcha Journalism. I lured you in with a headline that might appeal to young women, lets say, ages 17-35 (key advertising demographic, HOLLLLLLA). Adam Levine is in fact a tremendous dork. Somehow he's fooled every girl my age into thinking he's a cool, sexy rock star (because they're all stupid) despite his obnoxiously goofy behavior.
        I seriously cannot wrap my head around this. I GET IT, he does yoga for 6 hours a day and is very skinny, and facially attractive, but his personality is eccentrically misleading. I've never in my life seen someone who wants you to think he's cool so badly, more than this guy (See any of the mess of tattoos on his body). 
        I've felt this way for a while, but the story is relevant now because in the last week Levine swore off marriage because he's just gettin' soooooo much pussssssssssay. He's 34 and is just getting way too much pusssssssssssssssay to ever even consider settling down because dying alone has such an overwhelming worldwide mass appeal. The biggest shock from this is that I thought for sure Adam loved himself enough to want to bless the world with a gaggle of vanilla chai tea drinking, scented candle purchasing, shirtless Levine children. 
     

       He is the ultimate example of the guy who was too much of a dork to get laid for most of his life then took the glasses off at 24, and started having sex with everyone and didn't know how to be cool about getting laid. He's the guy that sticks a finger in on a Friday night and then shows up for his 1 P.M.-10 P.M shift at Best Buy the next day without showering and tells everyone that he hooked up the night before and if they don't believe him they can smell his finger. He's not Ryan Gosling.

         This one I GET ladies. Just look at him.......holy shit. He's breathtaking. You can tell this dude's been getting pussy his whole life. It's like when you score a touchdown and your coach tells you not to do an endzone dance and act like you've been there. This dude acts like he's been there all over town. He's a gunslinger. He's shows up, takes care of his business and keeps his mouth shut. He's the dude at Best Buy who stays out of people's business, and doesn't flirt with any of the girls but on the low he's secretly smashing EVERYONE in between making astounding sales of CD stereos which are irrelevant with today's technology. The greatest evidence of this is the body of work. Gosling has a constant flow of great movies from the start of his career until this moment in time. This proves that girls are not a priority, but a perk, in this dude's life. Look at the list of consistency.

-"Remember The Titans" (His first American movie B-T-Dubs)
-"Half Nelson"
-"Crazy, Stupid, Love"
-"Blue Valentine"
-"Drive"
-"The Ides of March"
and "The Place Beyond The Pines" looks fucking sick. Let's look at Levine's level of creative decline on the pussy meter.

2002 "Songs About Jane"- Great album. Memories of my freshman year of highschool are creeping into my brain right now just thinking about it. "Harder to Breathe", "She Will Be Loved", "This Love", and "Sunday Morning" all came from this album. All 4 of those songs were chart topping hits, and Levine wrote most of the songs. The lyricism is excellent (especially by today's pop music standards).  Check the opening verse from "She Will Be Loved".

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"

Paints a picture, but it's simple, and flows perfectly with the song. Clearly Levine had tons of time and focus to write a great song.

Pussy meter level -1
He probably had like a steady girlfriend from highschool or something. Gettin' a little. The way a normal, young, Jewish guy (because he is Jewish by the way, like Sandy Kaofax) would. Gettin' enough to still put a good piece of music together that has some kind of meaning and reason to be.


 2007 "It Won't Be Soon Before Long"- Less good, but there are some ok songs on here, most notably "Wake Up Call". Wake up call tells a story about a dude's girlfriend cheating on him with a another guy, so he tries to kill them. Kind of cool. Catchy hook. This is also the first time we here the new big bad Adam using the word fuck in a song in the lyrics for "Makes Me Wonder". Uh oh. There's a storm a brewing.

Pussy Meter-4
This was the beginning, the catalyst. Like Nicholson sitting at the bar for the first time in The Overlook Hotel, talking a to a bartender that didn't exist. The ball gets moving and now Levine is starting to spend less time on his dorky feelings and his music, and a little more time at Pacha showing off his Birkenstocks to 20 year old girls.

2010 "Hands All Over"- The sexuality is no longer a secret. Just look at this cover.........kind of makes you uncomfortable doesn't it? Clearly Adam got laid 4 times in a week on a beach somewhere, popped into the studio and was like "All of this music is going to be about naked ladies and sex, because I want people to know how much I'm fucking" Just look at the lyrics to moves like Jagger

"Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you (Uh)
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you"

He's not even trying anymore. A lyric in this song should have been "I promise you I will put my penis in one of the holes in your body if we dance, and I'll fuck you no matter how much weight you've been gaining Christina Aguilera." This obviously was also the same time "The Voice" aired on NBC, which was a perfect opportunity for Levine to show off his extensive collection of white t-shirts, because why should a grown man ever wear a shirt with buttons or sleeves on national television?

Pussy Meter- 8
He's getting there

2012- "Overexposed" And Beyond
BAM, he's here. This is tiger forearm tattoo, covered in body oils, refusing to shave Adam Levine. Overexposed sounds like the perfect name for this album. I get it Adam, tattoos and Budha and Tantric sex yada yada, cool it down. Here are the lyrics to "One More Night".

"Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell."

"HEY EVERYONE. I HAVE LOTS OF SEX I SWEAR IT.  LOOK AT MY LYRICS!" What happened man? 10 years and someone goes from a talented wordsmith, to this? AND WHY IS HE SINGING THE HOOK TO 50 CENT SONGS? He looks like an adult Pinocchio, he has no business standing next to 50 who is a giant silverbacked gorilla singing hooks to songs about street struggle.
Pussy Meter- OVERLOAD 

Anyway, that's my piece. I can say what I want about him, but realistically I'm sitting in a library picking my nose and writing this shit while he's out there racking up the checks and wearing white t shirts designed by John Galiano that he got for free......so who really wins here?

PEACE
 

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JENNA MARBLES IS JUST THE WORST

      YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO......What's up? Unfortunately I got no podcasts ready to go til the end of this week so we're gonna have to stick to text for a couple of days. I know right. It's frowny face city up in this bitch :( :( :( :( :(. In any case, what the fuck man? Maxim released the voting for their 2013 Hot 100 sometime in the last weekend or week or something (I don't know because I don't do research). Mike Flynn sent me the list, and as usual I used my vote to write in Da Brat. As I was skimming the list of other losers on that are not nearly as hot as Da Brat, I saw that Maxim chose to acknowledge the existence of Jenna Marbles for this list. I don't know why. This list is usually reserved for Hollywood starlets, like Jennifer Lopez and Paula Poundstone. Last time I checked, Miss Marbles was a moderately attractive (lets call her a midwest-8, and a New York-5) blogger, famous for making videos rambling about dumb bullshit (kind of like this) over the internet. Look I'm not saying I'm better than Jenna Marbles, because that's not really up to me that's up to people reading our shit, but come on dude. This bitch is the worssssssssssst. Just look at her. Someone was clearly starved for attention as a child and now spends her free time drawing old timey pencil thin mustaches on her face with thin tipped sharpie markers.

    Her voice gives me night terrors. She's that girl at the party that every boy avoids because she's the loudest most annoying head in the room, but she's too smart to let you fuck her at some point the same night of the party, so there's no point in being anywhere near her. Usually annoying girls are stupid, so if you put an hour and a half in, you might get a blow job at Ta Ta's Pizza after leaving the house party on the Rutgers campus, so it was all worth the ride. But you're gonna make me listen to you do a Captain Crunch impression for 2 hours while I sip this shitty watery keg beer in a dirty basement, and then not break a piece off?......No thanks ma, I'd rather spend the evening being tortured in hell by drunk Hitler.

   I hate that stigma that there are no funny women, because I don't believe it's true. I know funny women. They've been (or are coming) on my podcast. Mary Houlihan, Annie Weiss, Kara Coleman, all funny friends of mine, and all have female reproductive parts that bleed every month (I think).  However, and keep in mind I'm not very good at math, but if according to the transitive property Funny= Jenna Marbles, and Jenna Marbles= Woman, maybe I should re-consider my opinion.

  I didn't want to give in, so I asked around. Just asked around to see who watched these videos. These were the first answers I got.

Question- "Do you watch Jenna Marbles videos?"

Guy friend- "Who the fuck is Jenna Marbles?"

Girl friend- "Ha, of course! She's Hilarious" (exclamation point, mind you)

Question 2- " Can you elaborate on why?"

Girl friend- "Cause she's a real life bitch who makes fun of dumb shit people do, and she's sarcastic as hell".

   So thaaaaaaaaaat's it. Her demographic is ladies. This explains a lot because many of the ladies I know are dumb idiots who like stupid bullshit. This transitive equation makes much more sense to me. Jenna Marbles= Woman, Woman=Uninteresting. Of course you all think this girl is funny, you think painting your nails is a fun activity. Here's the deal ladies, you might like each other, and that's cute it really is, but in terms of social company men do not value sparkling conversation with you because we truly enjoy it. We indulge because we understand we have to co exist with you and it's better to know a girl that enjoys Fleetwood Mac, instead of one that is constantly shrieking in your ear about whatever Courtney and Khloe did in Philadelphia, or whatever fucking city those two gentrified whores are "Taking Over" this month. Also for the record, there are no famous "real life bitches". The closest is Lena Dunham and that'll be the only one for the next 200 years in modern civilization. She slipped through the cracks somehow (shoutout to "Girls" though because that show is great). People like to say this about Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence is not a "real life bitch". She's Hollywood, which is fine. She's more attractive than any girl you know from your neighborhood, and she has an Oscar. "Real" people aren't famous, because "real" people are working at drugstores and diners, and aren't interesting. That's why Hollywood people are famous, because they're special enough to make our shitty, fickle lives look interesting. Interesting is the key word here.

     I started watching this girl's videos pretty hardcore to see what I was "missing", and came to the conclusion that many of them are advice videos made in an effort to first off, be funny (but we won't go there) and second to help girls out with everyday problems, like makeup tutorials and boring shit like that. Ladies, you should know right off the bat not to take advice from another woman because you're all wrong all the time, but we put up with you because you give us children and fill the house with groceries (thanks). This is where I offer my services. Let's look at some of these videos and see if maybe I can do a little better in the advice department.

  " How To Make Pickup Lines, And Hookup Lines", 8 Million Views- This video is irrelevant. Whether you're a boy or a girl, pickup lines are the stupidest shit you can say in conversation. If you're attracted to someone, how about walking over to them like an adult, say "hello", and then engage in a conversation about ANYTHING, instead of saying "Is that a mirror in your pants? Because you look fucking sexual tonight." You may as well have a sign on your back that says "I love Jeff Dunham, don't fuck me because I'm a nerd." Seriously, on any given night there are a zillion things to talk about. Here's 5

Bacon
Alcohol
The State of Israel
Summer Clothes
Hair Styles

and if she's Muslim, you can just say that you hate all of those things, and you're in.

"What Boys Do On The Internet" 11 Million Views- AWW YEA, THE HILARIOUS MUSTACHE THAT MOST BOYS GROW AND STYLE IS BACK. To be fair, I do do a hell of a lot of masturbating to weird porno on the internet, but I don't usually wake up and dress like Super Mario to do so. Chances are this "character(?)" that Jenna is doing is unemployed because he spent the entire day on the internet slamming ham, which for most of us is on a meal like schedule. Having said that, part of his itinerary for the day should have been checking craigslist for a way to get paid. If he doesn't want to do that he's a bum anyway so fuck him. Also some of us have to check things every now and then, like ummmm I don't know, stocks and financial trends to continue to rape and pillage the world's economy and earn money so bitches like you can get 6 college degrees on your pop's dime. (In real life she has a B.A in Psychology, a Masters in Sports Psychology, and a Doctorate in swindling dumb motherfuckers into giving her money).  At 2 minutes into the video, Jenna ditches the hat and it's revealed that it was ACTUALLY her the whole time. I know, I was shocked too because she's such a profoundly skilled method actor that I was lost in her character, kind of like the way I was when I saw Daniel Day Lewis BECOME Lincoln in the movie "Lincoln".  

"White Girls At The Club" 14 Million Viewers- Don't even get me started on the errors in this video. Nothing mentioned up here is exclusive to white girls in a club. If anything, white girls are the easiest, most tame people in the club, with the exception of white guys (me) who get into fist fights with each other strictly out of extreme levels of discomfort and confusion as to why they're in a place they don't belong in to begin with.  All girls are obnoxious as shit in the club. She wants me to believe that white girls get more sloppy drunk and let their tits hang out MORE than latina girls do? Maybe clubs in Buffalo are like that, but any club in New York (you know, a place that matters) that I've ever been to usually closes at 4 am with a gaggle of Dominican bitches rubbing their dirty pussys all over the dance floor in a Mickey Mouse t-shirt 3 sizes too small for them. You're right Jenna, white girls are the only girls who throwup and cry with their friends in a bathroom, and the bright green Topaz I was conceived in ran til it hit 600,000 miles, and the stork drops babies off unexpectedly to unsuspecting parents before the sun comes up each morning. Bitch please, I have seen black girls hit each other so hard in the face at nightclubs that their lipstick changed color. If anything being in a nightclub with a white girl is the best because you know the night is going to end in the bed of a nice house in the suburbs instead of a dirty section 8 housing project in Brownsville.

"Things Girls Don't Understand About Guys" 11 Million Views- In this video, Jenna makes a bunch of cute observations about things guys do. Questions like "Why don't you turn the bathroom fan off for an hour after you take a shit?" or 'How come you don't clean up the hairs in the sink after you shave?" or "Why do you sweat so much at night? I don't get it." The short answer to all of this is please sleep in your own fucking apartment.  I get enough shit at work and once a week on the phone with my mother where I don't need to come home and hear you bitch about why I didn't clean the sink at 6 am before I got on a bus that sat in 2 hours worth of traffic at the Lincoln Tunnel to get to work on time. If you don't like me sweating in bed at night, blame my hormones, pack your shit, and get the fuck out. I'm sure I love sweating at night and not being able to get to sleep while you blast another episode of "Will and Grace" on the Lifetime channel. And that god damned dog. You bring that thing over every night and it eats all my fucking peanut butter and shits on the rug because you keep insisting to me that having him housebroken would be "un-natural".  This is why you haven't met my parents, because you never think before you speak and can't keep your fucking mouth shut for 5 minutes without filling every lapse in conversation with act outs that make everyone uncomfortable. Just let us eat our chicken in peace please, jesus.

      NO MORE, PLEASE NO MORE. I cannot watch another one of these fucking videos, please. She has one that hit 50 million views about how to trick people into thinking you're good looking. ENOUGH, I GET IT. You let this web cam roll for 13 minutes while you do your hilarious "Curb Your Enthusiasm" off the dome type improv that goes nowhere, and 12 year olds see you talk out of the side of your mouth and think you're the best. By the way, this hatred is coming from a man who literally spent Saturday night watching videos of people farting until I went to bed. Jenna just do us all a fucking favor and please, PLEASE go away to the mountains somewhere, and never ever return.

I'll be at Karl's Klipper in Staten Island on Thursday doing a spot on THE BOAT SHOW.  Check it out. Subscribe to the blog,like us on Facebook, and TELL YOUR FRIENDS

PEACE