Her voice gives me night terrors. She's that girl at the party that every boy avoids because she's the loudest most annoying head in the room, but she's too smart to let you fuck her at some point the same night of the party, so there's no point in being anywhere near her. Usually annoying girls are stupid, so if you put an hour and a half in, you might get a blow job at Ta Ta's Pizza after leaving the house party on the Rutgers campus, so it was all worth the ride. But you're gonna make me listen to you do a Captain Crunch impression for 2 hours while I sip this shitty watery keg beer in a dirty basement, and then not break a piece off?......No thanks ma, I'd rather spend the evening being tortured in hell by drunk Hitler.
I hate that stigma that there are no funny women, because I don't believe it's true. I know funny women. They've been (or are coming) on my podcast. Mary Houlihan, Annie Weiss, Kara Coleman, all funny friends of mine, and all have female reproductive parts that bleed every month (I think). However, and keep in mind I'm not very good at math, but if according to the transitive property Funny= Jenna Marbles, and Jenna Marbles= Woman, maybe I should re-consider my opinion.
I didn't want to give in, so I asked around. Just asked around to see who watched these videos. These were the first answers I got.
Question- "Do you watch Jenna Marbles videos?"
Guy friend- "Who the fuck is Jenna Marbles?"
Girl friend- "Ha, of course! She's Hilarious" (exclamation point, mind you)
Question 2- " Can you elaborate on why?"
Girl friend- "Cause she's a real life bitch who makes fun of dumb shit people do, and she's sarcastic as hell".
So thaaaaaaaaaat's it. Her demographic is ladies. This explains a lot because many of the ladies I know are dumb idiots who like stupid bullshit. This transitive equation makes much more sense to me. Jenna Marbles= Woman, Woman=Uninteresting. Of course you all think this girl is funny, you think painting your nails is a fun activity. Here's the deal ladies, you might like each other, and that's cute it really is, but in terms of social company men do not value sparkling conversation with you because we truly enjoy it. We indulge because we understand we have to co exist with you and it's better to know a girl that enjoys Fleetwood Mac, instead of one that is constantly shrieking in your ear about whatever Courtney and Khloe did in Philadelphia, or whatever fucking city those two gentrified whores are "Taking Over" this month. Also for the record, there are no famous "real life bitches". The closest is Lena Dunham and that'll be the only one for the next 200 years in modern civilization. She slipped through the cracks somehow (shoutout to "Girls" though because that show is great). People like to say this about Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence is not a "real life bitch". She's Hollywood, which is fine. She's more attractive than any girl you know from your neighborhood, and she has an Oscar. "Real" people aren't famous, because "real" people are working at drugstores and diners, and aren't interesting. That's why Hollywood people are famous, because they're special enough to make our shitty, fickle lives look interesting. Interesting is the key word here.
I started watching this girl's videos pretty hardcore to see what I was "missing", and came to the conclusion that many of them are advice videos made in an effort to first off, be funny (but we won't go there) and second to help girls out with everyday problems, like makeup tutorials and boring shit like that. Ladies, you should know right off the bat not to take advice from another woman because you're all wrong all the time, but we put up with you because you give us children and fill the house with groceries (thanks). This is where I offer my services. Let's look at some of these videos and see if maybe I can do a little better in the advice department.
" How To Make Pickup Lines, And Hookup Lines", 8 Million Views- This video is irrelevant. Whether you're a boy or a girl, pickup lines are the stupidest shit you can say in conversation. If you're attracted to someone, how about walking over to them like an adult, say "hello", and then engage in a conversation about ANYTHING, instead of saying "Is that a mirror in your pants? Because you look fucking sexual tonight." You may as well have a sign on your back that says "I love Jeff Dunham, don't fuck me because I'm a nerd." Seriously, on any given night there are a zillion things to talk about. Here's 5
Bacon
Alcohol
The State of Israel
Summer Clothes
Hair Styles
and if she's Muslim, you can just say that you hate all of those things, and you're in.
"What Boys Do On The Internet" 11 Million Views- AWW YEA, THE HILARIOUS MUSTACHE THAT MOST BOYS GROW AND STYLE IS BACK. To be fair, I do do a hell of a lot of masturbating to weird porno on the internet, but I don't usually wake up and dress like Super Mario to do so. Chances are this "character(?)" that Jenna is doing is unemployed because he spent the entire day on the internet slamming ham, which for most of us is on a meal like schedule. Having said that, part of his itinerary for the day should have been checking craigslist for a way to get paid. If he doesn't want to do that he's a bum anyway so fuck him. Also some of us have to check things every now and then, like ummmm I don't know, stocks and financial trends to continue to rape and pillage the world's economy and earn money so bitches like you can get 6 college degrees on your pop's dime. (In real life she has a B.A in Psychology, a Masters in Sports Psychology, and a Doctorate in swindling dumb motherfuckers into giving her money). At 2 minutes into the video, Jenna ditches the hat and it's revealed that it was ACTUALLY her the whole time. I know, I was shocked too because she's such a profoundly skilled method actor that I was lost in her character, kind of like the way I was when I saw Daniel Day Lewis BECOME Lincoln in the movie "Lincoln".
"White Girls At The Club" 14 Million Viewers- Don't even get me started on the errors in this video. Nothing mentioned up here is exclusive to white girls in a club. If anything, white girls are the easiest, most tame people in the club, with the exception of white guys (me) who get into fist fights with each other strictly out of extreme levels of discomfort and confusion as to why they're in a place they don't belong in to begin with. All girls are obnoxious as shit in the club. She wants me to believe that white girls get more sloppy drunk and let their tits hang out MORE than latina girls do? Maybe clubs in Buffalo are like that, but any club in New York (you know, a place that matters) that I've ever been to usually closes at 4 am with a gaggle of Dominican bitches rubbing their dirty pussys all over the dance floor in a Mickey Mouse t-shirt 3 sizes too small for them. You're right Jenna, white girls are the only girls who throwup and cry with their friends in a bathroom, and the bright green Topaz I was conceived in ran til it hit 600,000 miles, and the stork drops babies off unexpectedly to unsuspecting parents before the sun comes up each morning. Bitch please, I have seen black girls hit each other so hard in the face at nightclubs that their lipstick changed color. If anything being in a nightclub with a white girl is the best because you know the night is going to end in the bed of a nice house in the suburbs instead of a dirty section 8 housing project in Brownsville.
"Things Girls Don't Understand About Guys" 11 Million Views- In this video, Jenna makes a bunch of cute observations about things guys do. Questions like "Why don't you turn the bathroom fan off for an hour after you take a shit?" or 'How come you don't clean up the hairs in the sink after you shave?" or "Why do you sweat so much at night? I don't get it." The short answer to all of this is please sleep in your own fucking apartment. I get enough shit at work and once a week on the phone with my mother where I don't need to come home and hear you bitch about why I didn't clean the sink at 6 am before I got on a bus that sat in 2 hours worth of traffic at the Lincoln Tunnel to get to work on time. If you don't like me sweating in bed at night, blame my hormones, pack your shit, and get the fuck out. I'm sure I love sweating at night and not being able to get to sleep while you blast another episode of "Will and Grace" on the Lifetime channel. And that god damned dog. You bring that thing over every night and it eats all my fucking peanut butter and shits on the rug because you keep insisting to me that having him housebroken would be "un-natural". This is why you haven't met my parents, because you never think before you speak and can't keep your fucking mouth shut for 5 minutes without filling every lapse in conversation with act outs that make everyone uncomfortable. Just let us eat our chicken in peace please, jesus.
NO MORE, PLEASE NO MORE. I cannot watch another one of these fucking videos, please. She has one that hit 50 million views about how to trick people into thinking you're good looking. ENOUGH, I GET IT. You let this web cam roll for 13 minutes while you do your hilarious "Curb Your Enthusiasm" off the dome type improv that goes nowhere, and 12 year olds see you talk out of the side of your mouth and think you're the best. By the way, this hatred is coming from a man who literally spent Saturday night watching videos of people farting until I went to bed. Jenna just do us all a fucking favor and please, PLEASE go away to the mountains somewhere, and never ever return.
I'll be at Karl's Klipper in Staten Island on Thursday doing a spot on THE BOAT SHOW. Check it out. Subscribe to the blog,like us on Facebook, and TELL YOUR FRIENDS
PEACE
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