ADAM LEVINE IS THE KEWLEST

       
        PSYCHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm kidding, Adam Levine is far from the coolest. They call that Gotcha Journalism. I lured you in with a headline that might appeal to young women, lets say, ages 17-35 (key advertising demographic, HOLLLLLLA). Adam Levine is in fact a tremendous dork. Somehow he's fooled every girl my age into thinking he's a cool, sexy rock star (because they're all stupid) despite his obnoxiously goofy behavior.
        I seriously cannot wrap my head around this. I GET IT, he does yoga for 6 hours a day and is very skinny, and facially attractive, but his personality is eccentrically misleading. I've never in my life seen someone who wants you to think he's cool so badly, more than this guy (See any of the mess of tattoos on his body). 
        I've felt this way for a while, but the story is relevant now because in the last week Levine swore off marriage because he's just gettin' soooooo much pussssssssssay. He's 34 and is just getting way too much pusssssssssssssssay to ever even consider settling down because dying alone has such an overwhelming worldwide mass appeal. The biggest shock from this is that I thought for sure Adam loved himself enough to want to bless the world with a gaggle of vanilla chai tea drinking, scented candle purchasing, shirtless Levine children. 
     

       He is the ultimate example of the guy who was too much of a dork to get laid for most of his life then took the glasses off at 24, and started having sex with everyone and didn't know how to be cool about getting laid. He's the guy that sticks a finger in on a Friday night and then shows up for his 1 P.M.-10 P.M shift at Best Buy the next day without showering and tells everyone that he hooked up the night before and if they don't believe him they can smell his finger. He's not Ryan Gosling.

         This one I GET ladies. Just look at him.......holy shit. He's breathtaking. You can tell this dude's been getting pussy his whole life. It's like when you score a touchdown and your coach tells you not to do an endzone dance and act like you've been there. This dude acts like he's been there all over town. He's a gunslinger. He's shows up, takes care of his business and keeps his mouth shut. He's the dude at Best Buy who stays out of people's business, and doesn't flirt with any of the girls but on the low he's secretly smashing EVERYONE in between making astounding sales of CD stereos which are irrelevant with today's technology. The greatest evidence of this is the body of work. Gosling has a constant flow of great movies from the start of his career until this moment in time. This proves that girls are not a priority, but a perk, in this dude's life. Look at the list of consistency.

-"Remember The Titans" (His first American movie B-T-Dubs)
-"Half Nelson"
-"Crazy, Stupid, Love"
-"Blue Valentine"
-"Drive"
-"The Ides of March"
and "The Place Beyond The Pines" looks fucking sick. Let's look at Levine's level of creative decline on the pussy meter.

2002 "Songs About Jane"- Great album. Memories of my freshman year of highschool are creeping into my brain right now just thinking about it. "Harder to Breathe", "She Will Be Loved", "This Love", and "Sunday Morning" all came from this album. All 4 of those songs were chart topping hits, and Levine wrote most of the songs. The lyricism is excellent (especially by today's pop music standards).  Check the opening verse from "She Will Be Loved".

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"

Paints a picture, but it's simple, and flows perfectly with the song. Clearly Levine had tons of time and focus to write a great song.

Pussy meter level -1
He probably had like a steady girlfriend from highschool or something. Gettin' a little. The way a normal, young, Jewish guy (because he is Jewish by the way, like Sandy Kaofax) would. Gettin' enough to still put a good piece of music together that has some kind of meaning and reason to be.


 2007 "It Won't Be Soon Before Long"- Less good, but there are some ok songs on here, most notably "Wake Up Call". Wake up call tells a story about a dude's girlfriend cheating on him with a another guy, so he tries to kill them. Kind of cool. Catchy hook. This is also the first time we here the new big bad Adam using the word fuck in a song in the lyrics for "Makes Me Wonder". Uh oh. There's a storm a brewing.

Pussy Meter-4
This was the beginning, the catalyst. Like Nicholson sitting at the bar for the first time in The Overlook Hotel, talking a to a bartender that didn't exist. The ball gets moving and now Levine is starting to spend less time on his dorky feelings and his music, and a little more time at Pacha showing off his Birkenstocks to 20 year old girls.

2010 "Hands All Over"- The sexuality is no longer a secret. Just look at this cover.........kind of makes you uncomfortable doesn't it? Clearly Adam got laid 4 times in a week on a beach somewhere, popped into the studio and was like "All of this music is going to be about naked ladies and sex, because I want people to know how much I'm fucking" Just look at the lyrics to moves like Jagger

"Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you (Uh)
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you"

He's not even trying anymore. A lyric in this song should have been "I promise you I will put my penis in one of the holes in your body if we dance, and I'll fuck you no matter how much weight you've been gaining Christina Aguilera." This obviously was also the same time "The Voice" aired on NBC, which was a perfect opportunity for Levine to show off his extensive collection of white t-shirts, because why should a grown man ever wear a shirt with buttons or sleeves on national television?

Pussy Meter- 8
He's getting there

2012- "Overexposed" And Beyond
BAM, he's here. This is tiger forearm tattoo, covered in body oils, refusing to shave Adam Levine. Overexposed sounds like the perfect name for this album. I get it Adam, tattoos and Budha and Tantric sex yada yada, cool it down. Here are the lyrics to "One More Night".

"Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell."

"HEY EVERYONE. I HAVE LOTS OF SEX I SWEAR IT.  LOOK AT MY LYRICS!" What happened man? 10 years and someone goes from a talented wordsmith, to this? AND WHY IS HE SINGING THE HOOK TO 50 CENT SONGS? He looks like an adult Pinocchio, he has no business standing next to 50 who is a giant silverbacked gorilla singing hooks to songs about street struggle.
Pussy Meter- OVERLOAD 

Anyway, that's my piece. I can say what I want about him, but realistically I'm sitting in a library picking my nose and writing this shit while he's out there racking up the checks and wearing white t shirts designed by John Galiano that he got for free......so who really wins here?

PEACE