Hey fam. The NBA Finals are over. People are mad though because the Spurs lost. The thought process is that the Spurs "play the game of basketball the way it was meant to be played.....LIKE A TEAM." Give me a fucking break please. They are the most boring team on earth to watch. They play the game like my grandfather and 4 of his friends do. Firm chest passes around the perimeter to other white men with doo wop hair cuts. Just atrocious to watch in the year 2013 man. Blake Griffin jumps over people and tea bags their eyeballs with his scrotum, why would I be excited about Manu Ginobli and his absurd bald spot playing stymied defense on Norris Cole in the 2nd quarter of a home game in San Antonio, a city that literally has 0 business harboring an NBA team to begin with. Fuck Texas up the ass with their bullshit about trying to secede from the country every 8 years.
In any case, I didn't watch much of the finals. Because I am a Knicks fan, I hate both of these teams with an infinite fury despite roster. The Heat were a bunch of thugs in the 90's who used to hide razor blades in their sweatbands and try to cut Charlie Ward's nipples off, and The Spurs stopped Patrick Ewing from getting a ring in '99 and that made me cry because I was 10, but my hatred for one person has remained constant throughout his career. Tim Fuckin' Duncan.
Tim Duncan, aka Robot Jones, aka the black Gumby, aka Admiral Killjoy, is the ring leader of this let's use the backboard dogshit basketball the Spurs have been playing for almost 2 decades. Every body talks about Duncan every year saying what a surprise it is that his numbers are good, and that's because no one will watch the Spurs play a single game of 1890's style fundamental Canadian basketball except for people who live in San Antonio who were able to sneak the game in in between cleaning their guns and planning the uprising. It looks like Duncan found a book in the library on basketball, read it, and just picked up a ball on the court and started figuring out the geometric flight paths of the ball off the glass. Absolutely 0 physical play from a man who came up in an era of basketball that featured fist fights and excelsior levels of shit talking. His actual real life voice sounds like when black comedians make fun of white people because we pay our taxes on time and take out life insurance policies to protect our children financially in case Meryl Lynch folds and we jump out the window. I couldn't even imagine the on the court conversations between Duncan and mental giant, Shaq, with his droll ogre pattern of speech.
Shaq- "Nice shot back there stupid. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put my mouth on yo momma's pussy lips after the game. We're going to have a really nice time in my Rhode Island sized Superman bed."
Duncan- "Well that's not very nice Shaquille. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take your mother out for a very nice dinner at Spargo, because she deserves to be treated like a lady. Then I will fill her uterus with my seed, and in 9 months when our child is harvested, I will enroll him into private school and start an orange ING account with a modest interest rate so he can go to a top university."
Besides being the most unenthusiastic living organism on the basketball court at any given time, his behavior off the court is abhor ant, and by that I mean it's not rowdy enough. In my opinion, it's absolutely bananas to me that the NBA, NFL, and MLB fine players for touchdown dances, and doing dumb bullshit off the field of play. Never ever forget that we gravitate to all of these athletes because they are entertainers, plain and simple airgo, their personalities are what attract us to them. This can even raise the bar on some athletes career. Everyone knows Ron Artest. Is it because he has hall of fame numbers? No. It's because some scumbag in Detroit tried to get cute and pour a beer on his head, so Artest (being from the Queensbridge projects. Don't fuck with Queens) ran into the stands, and PUNCHED this dude in the fucking face. Talk about a standout personality. Some people like the blue collar (white) guy who brings his fucking lunch to work in a brown bag because he's barely good enough to be on the practice squad, but he runs 10 extra suicides in practice to dress on Sunday because he doesn't wanna go back and work at the steel mill. I personally like Deon Sanders wearing gold chains and feathers fucking every model that comes within 50 feet of him. Think about it, who's more entertaining?
You know who's not entertaining? Tim ASSFACE Duncan. How am I supposed to admire a man who makes 9.6 million dollars a year and buys all of his clothe off the clearance rack at Sears? He shows up to every fucking press conference like he just jumped out of a mid 90's R and B video. LOOK AT HIM!
The Timberland store in the mall by my house closed like, 2 years ago or so, and I feel like it's because Tim Duncan came to town to play the Nets and decided to go shopping. Then a bunch of people saw him walk out of the Timberland store and people started muttering to each other "Is that how we're going to look? Holy shit no thanks," then BAM. Timberland lands right in the shit house.
In any case, the Heat took home the hardware the other night, and I'm ok with it I guess because I'm warming up to Lebron again. He's kind of becoming an arrogant dickhead, and he should be because no one is even close to him on a talent level, so I'm down with that. Basketball season is over, and the Mets suck dick, so this will probably be the last sports rant you get from me for a little while.
Follow me on Twitter and Vine @mikecoscarelli. Subscribe to the blog and the podcast, and it's the weekend, so go out and get some hand jobs and hard liquor, baby.
PEACE
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