MARATHONS ARE STUPID

         What's happening? I graduated college. It took me 6 years but I finally got out of academic prison. I'm like the Van Wilder of north jersey without any of the swagger or appeal to other human beings in any way. In any case you caught me in a momentary lapse where my time is being spent writing this and attempting to steal Kanye West albums off the internet machine instead of job hunting.
        Someone asked me yesterday if I wanted to participate in the Tough Mudder, and then I had a record breaking eye roll that was visible from Neptune. Why the fuck would anybody want to be a part of any of these horrific death races? Especially when there's no altruistic endeavor involved. Charity runs make sense at least, but those are stupid as well. Stop running and write a check already dude, kids have autism and hangnails and shit.

Tough Mudder- Just look at this motherfucking website. Their tagline is literally "Probably the toughest event on the planet." Please Tough Mudder PR team, go ahead and pat yourself on the back a little fucking harder. Your event is probably way harder than guerrilla warfare, launching a rocket into space, or childbirth, you're right.  If anyone on this planet needs more evidence than fossils to prove that we're descendants of monkeys, just flip on this video and watch thousands of juiced up men and "women" pound their fucking fists in the mud like a bunch of damn silver back apes. Sponsored by Under Armour, Wheaties, and domestic violence, this gay romp through wet dirt comes complete with violent groans and maneuvering through barbed wire. This is the kind of thing that people who love energy drinks and desert painted Jeep Wranglers mark on their calenders so they can plan their cycle intake of Jack'd 3D accordingly and have a reason to wear their brand new Tapout compression shorts in public. I get enough of that bullshit at any New Jersey beach without doing over the top physical activity, and the difference is I don't have to peel off dried mud from the inside of my asshole when I leave.

New York Marathon- By far the most noble of the marathons. Most major cities have one but mine is obviously New York so as far as I'm concerned it's the dopest. This one makes the most sense. People come from like Trinidad and Tobago, and Iran, to Irun this fucking race. The purse is big (if you're Kenyan enough to win the race) and the city basically goes on lock down with cool bar crawls because of how much attention it brings all the local businesses, but just look at this map.

 GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD DAMN (Chris Tucker voice). You run through each of the 5 boroughs, even the ones that don't count (shout out to Staten Island and the boogie down), and you have to run across the Verrazano bridge. HO-LEE-SHIT, would you get a load of this?

I get anxiety DRIVING over this bridge, yet alone packing myself onto it with 30,000 people wearing day glo tank tops and fanny packs.  If you sign up for this marathon you have to commit to spending your entire day running, just running. No dirty water dogs, no sex in the city tour. This is it. That's a pretty heavy commitment. 

Color Run-Like a roving Ke$ha concert, the Color Run pops into most major cities leaving runners looking like they just took a money shot from a cartoon character. Nothing like having dried chalk thrown at you when you are hemorrhaging sweat from every pore in your body, right? You can literally just run up on someone and smash this shit in someone's face like they deserved some kind of punishment. This is the me generation dictating that WE WON'T EXERCISE UNLESS IT IS FUN AND COLORFUL.  

Zombie Run- If you love full throttle cardio vascular workouts while simultaneously having panic attacks, the zombie run is the race for you. Let's be clear right from the get go. If you're one of those people that talk about "The Zombie Apocalypse" you're a nerd and your friends don't like you. There will never be a zombie apocalypse, it cannot happen. Stop telling people that if it happens you need to have pounds of iodized salt to fight zombie infection and an underground bunker. There is no strand of disease that will turn people into zombies. There is no angle that the moon can hit to rise decaying bodies from the grave. Just shut the fuck up and watch more episodes of "Doctor Who" in your bunker filled with Gushers and Ragu tomato sauce and leave the rest of us alone. The only way this race would actually be appealing would be if the zombies were somehow real, and ate these mouth breathing simpletons so there was more room on the subway for the rest of us. 

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PEACE