5 Broadway Shows That Would Get My Ass Rich

      I was watching something on the tube last night and a commercial for that Spider Man musical came on. The commercial was footage of the Green Goblin doing this hauntingly gay shuffle dance dance to a song about how good it is to be bad in New York City. It's basically a ploy to get New Yorkers to buy tickets to see this shit storm. Now, usually you may have to fill people in on what's going on on Broadway if they aren't from New York or New Jersey because the shows change pretty often, unless you're talking about one of the big ones like "Wicked", or "The Lion King" or one of those. "Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark" is certainly a big one, so I probably don't have to explain to people outside the Tri-State what it is. If you're surprised that it's actually still on Broadway though, then we're on the same page. I was amazed when I saw this thing last night. I thought it was long gone, mostly because it's famous for being a total fucking failure that cost like 15 million dollars to put together.

     When Marvel first announced this mess my first thought was clearly "This is a joke right?". Why on earth would anyone make Spider Man into a musical? It's not a topic that has anything to do with music, or choreographed dance, or even Jews (Peter Parker sounds pretty gentile to me). Who the fuck would want to emasculate Spider Man by making him sing and dance show tunes while he's beating the shit out of bad guys. It's demeaning to all parties involved, and that includes the bad guys who were already embarrassed that they got busted trying to rob a Wells Fargo by getting trapped in a ridiculous giant spider web. I was already out for this thing because it was stupid and unnecessary. However, if Marvel wanted to find a way to make it more stupid, they had succeeded. To supply the music for this warcrime in the making, they picked out the two perfect elements from the stupid cunt nose periodic table. Bono and The Edge

 
      Just look at these two. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat the FUCK would either of these two snake charmers know about making Broad Way showtunes? All of their music sounds like it was made for people who live out in space, but they thought it sucked, so we got stuck with it. Forget the fact that Bono wears those RIDICULOUS orange sunglasses with rhinestones on them (Which my 71 year old, east side of Brooklyn, Jewish grandmother thinks are, "Just fabulous") EVERYWHERE and looks like an asshole every single moment of every single day, his name is Bono. He picked that name, his parents didn't name him Bono. Somewhere in his mind he thought, and probably still thinks, that Bono sounds like a really cool name for someone who rocks as hard as he does. To make it even douchier, Bono means good voice in Italian. He named himself good voice. He didn't want people to call him Paul, which is his actual name. He wanted his name to be a compliment to himself 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  I need to put a cap on this rant because I literally could probably write about 8-10 pages strictly on my hatred for Bono and his band of Irish space cowboys.

     Before I get even farther off topic I'm going to pull it all back in. "Spider Man Turn Off The Dark" has shockingly been running for 3 years now, because time apparently fucking flies when you're stealing people's money. This just got me thinking about how little skill or story structure you actually need to create a Broad Way show. It's easy apparently, and it's a show, so German tourists will pay $150 dollars a ticket to see anything just to say they sat in the St. James theater.  So I am officially announcing that this will be my last blog post bitches. I'm taking one of my awesome show ideas below, running straight to the bank, cashing my fucking check and moving to Connecticut. You'll never see me again.

1. "Rock Star"- Nickelback finally answer's the heavy demand from their fans to bring their "music" to the great white way. Running with the theme of "Mamma Mia", "Movin' Out" and "Rock of Ages",  we take the cool, hard rock soundtrack of every middle school bus driver's life and put it on stage. Just think about it.

Abba- Super rich off "Mamma Mia"

Bill Joel (I call him Bill)- Super rich off "Movin' Out"

All those fucking 80's rock stars- Most of them probably got a warm meal or two or lending their songs to "Rock of Ages". Trust me, the dudes from Warrant are not buying out the club.

    We open on Jake, a balding, mid 30's biker dude, played by Hugh Jackman, with nothing but a dream and his Harley, riding up and down the winding highways of Newfoundland. He's just trying to have a few a Michelob Ultras in his brother's backyard, and fuck Patty, a blonde waitress by day, stripper by night, played by Kristen Chenowith. This thing's a home run. Somehow Nickelback sells out The Garden everytime they come to New York, because let's face it, Americans love white trash things. That's why no one reads, and NASA is bankrupt, but "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so popular it got it's own spin off about a rotund 7 year old named Honey Boo Boo, who is raised by a family of humpback whales. 

 "He's a What?"- The story of besmirched New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey finally get's it's proper due every night at the Shubert Theatre. For those of you who don't remember, Jim McGreevey, played by Hugh Jackman, was forced to resign from office in August of 2004 after admitting that he had engaged in an adult consensual affair with another man, Golan Cipel (played by Nathan Lane), who threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. The problem with this of course was that Mcgreevey had a wife and kids, so the joke was on New Jersey. The bigger joke is that this man now teaches ethics at my college....I wish I was kidding. Songs include: "Can You Keep a Secret?", "Please Don't Black Mail Me",  and "Whoops"

 "Mis-Executed"- As Americans, we learn very little in school about the Bay of Pigs Invasion, mostly because we got our clocks cleaned by Cuban rebels. We don't usually like to talk about wars and battles we lost, so in my version we win, and colonize the shit out of Cuba. Every night at the Helen Hayes Theater,  Major Jack Smith, played by Hugh Jackman, leads a squadron of young American's to a swift and flawless victory over the Cuban exiles. This was actually more of an aerial battle in real life, but Hugh Jackman cannot tap dance in an airplane.......or can he?    
Songs include: "There's Rice Everywhere", "Who's Raft is This?", and "We're Going to Build Casinos Here"

 "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" - Hugh Jackman takes on a roll of a lifetime playing Helen Keller at the Neil Simon Theater. This musical romp shows the lighter side of being both deaf and blind, and most unfortunately of all, a woman. What kind of trouble is Helen cooking up in Alabama circa 1900? Not much, but if you have to be deaf and blind, you're lucky to be born in Alabama because there's not a whole lot to see there. It works because people love tragedy turned comedy.
Songs include: "MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" 

 "Porno: The Musical"- This is just Hugh Jackman fucking women on stage for 2 hours. Songs include "Smaller than I expected", "This never happens to me, I swear", and "Wrong Hole" 

I better get to work. 


Send Questions and comments to michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com,  follow me on Twitter @Mikecoscarelli, and the podcast starts up tomorrow (Feb. 1st) and will be live from 7-9 every Friday night. Here's the link to watch it live

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What The Fuck Happened to Al Pacino?

 

        I had the misfortune of catching about 30 minutes of Adam Sandler's theatrical anomaly Jack and Jill this morning while I was putting lotion on my elbows because the tri-state area is below freezing and my skin cracks like egg shells if I make a movement of any kind. Also for some reason that I'll never understand, ESPN had tennis on instead of Sports Center. Man this thing was bad. I mean it looked bad, I knew it was bad, but like......Adam Sandler plays himself (like always), and himself with tits and a wig (Really challenging himself as an actor) which I kind of wanted to see for a second to make sure I had evidence of how far humanity is sinking into the shitter. Seriously, if the military forced the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay to watch this movie our government would be FUCKED because it would be considered a heinous act of torture. What I didn't realize is that Al Pacino is in this movie. No, no, let me rephrase that. He's the first supporting actor in the movie. No, no, wait let me rephrase that again. He's the first supporting actor in the movie, and he's playing himself. No, no, wait let me take one more crack at this. He's the first supporting actor in a movie where he plays himself, and he's IN LOVE with Adam Sandler dressed in drag, despite the fact that Pacino is 72 years old and crusty like old toe nails and Adam Sandler is 46 and has that fat hebrew nose in the middle of his face. Now, I did not get to see about half of this piece of shit because I have a full schedule that includes buying frozen coffee drinks that I didn't realize were frozen until bitches hand them to me in the freezing cold, and taking a shit two times in one day in the Penn Station bathroom, but those 30 minutes that I will never get back got me thinking about Al (we're on a first name basis because we're pizonos. WHOPs know each other like that). 
      I did some research and was kind of shocked at what I found. Pacino obviously is a great actor. He rose to a level of respect in the acting community as a stage guy. Once he got The Godfather the dude took off like a fucking space ship. From 72-79 he was 7 for 7 with critically acclaimed movies that most would consider classics. The Godfather, Scarecrow, Serpico, The Godfather Part II, Dog Day Afternoon, Bobby Deerfield, and ....And Justice For All.  This was his run for 5 years. Just perfect. It's hard to think of any other 5 year stretch of a film career for anybody that is that impressive.  From there he cruised through the 80's and 90's with the film career that you would expect from an actor of his caliber. He ebbed and flowed doing some great films and some average ones, this of course includes Scent of a Woman which he won an Oscar for in 1992.  Up through the late 90's Pacino did some pretty good movies. Donny Brasco, The Devil's Advocate, and obviously Heat. Then 99 came around and the shit hit the fucking fan. 
       Pacino closed out the 90's with Any Given Sunday, a movie that kind of sucks but wasn't too terrible. The problem was it was apparently a sign of things to come. Every movie that this man has made since 2000 belongs on Staten Island because each one of them is a fucking piece of garbage. Dude, just look at this list of atrocious career choices. Chinese Coffee, S1m0ne, People I Know, The Recruit, Gigli, Two For the Money, Ocean's Thirteen, 88 Minutes, Righteous Kill and Jack and Jill. What the fuck happened man? Have you ever even heard of half of these movies? In 8 years this man got nominated 4 times for a Golden Raspberry, the award they give Meghan Fox every year just for showing up to work. ( and because she can't close her lips. Seriously do an image search on her. You can't find one picture of her where her lips are closed)
       I don't get it man. I mean you can't blame age because there are some old ass dudes still doing good work. Alan Arkin is 78 and that old mother fucker just got nominated for an Oscar for Argo. Christopher Plummer is 82 and he won some hardware for Beginners last year. Pacino has to know he can turn down movies, right? Unless..............................OH MY GOD.........................Al Pacino has had Alzheimer's disease for 13 years. It's the only logical explanation. Just look at some of these more ridiculous flops in detail.

       S1m0ne- First off....look at this gay fucking title. Pacino should have looked at the cover of this screenplay, ripped it off and made his agent eat it and wash it down with a food that he had an allergy to (hopefully peanuts because that usually has a violent reaction).  Basically, in this piece of shit, Pacino plays a film director. Winona Ryder plays a diva actress who is starring in his movie, and they get into a fight. Her contract says that if she pulls out of the movie, no footage of her can be used at all, so Pacino has to re- shoot all her scenes. At some point at the beginning of the movie some guy with a fucked up eye gives Al this computer program, but Al brushes homeboy off because he has a fucked up eye, but then the guy dies and Al feels guilty, so he checks it out. The program is called simulation one, which explains the gay title, but not why the gay title has numbers in it. Basically it's an animated woman that you can control to do anything you want within the computer world (the actress isn't important because this movie nipped her career right in the fucking bud).  Al decides to digitally insert this woman into the movie because he's a fucking moron. Not thinking about standard things that actors do, like meet with producers, go on press tours, have agents and managers, etc. etc., he makes her the STAR of a major motion picture. When it's time to do press for the movie, everyone wants to know where Simone (That's her name. Simulation one....... do you get it?) is, and of course Al didn't think of this because why the hell would he use common sense? So he tells the world that she's a recluse and he's the only person on earth who can talk to her, because he was obviously trying to keep shit low key and that's not suspicious I guess.  Obviously there's a public outcry to meet this bitch, so eventually Al starts projecting her through a hologram projector at these places where people can keep their distance from her and not figure out she's just a hologram. The press love her, and Al is pissed that he has to keep doing this bullshit so he tries to ruin her career by making her a total bitch, but the press love that too, so he can't kill this thing. Long story short, he deletes her and gets charged for murder because who the fuck would believe that this bitch who was in these movies was not a real person? So to get Al acquitted his wife and daughter find the disk and create her again, so basically Al is stuck controlling this bitch for the rest of his life..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      Gigli- If you love cringing at dialog pop this movie in, that is assuming you can find it on DVD. "My name, it's pronounced 'Gigli', it rhymes with 'really'."- Ben Affleck. I swear to god that's a line in this movie that my sister with downsyndrome and her friends made with 3 cell phones and a broom handle with a dixie cup on the end of it that we promised them was a shotgun microphone. This thing is fucking terrible. I would love to explain the story to you but I have no clue how to, this thing jumps all over the place. All you basically need to know is that Ben Affleck and JLO are the two leads in this suckfest and they have to kidnap an autistic kid to black mail a prosecutor in New York because Pacino is an Italian mob boss named Starkman, (whoever wrote this fucking movie has clearly never met any Italian people in his life.) and he doesn't want to go to prison. JLO is a lesbian and won't give Ben none of that pussy, but then JLO's crazy ex-girlfriend tries to slit her wrists and they take her to the hospital, but when they get back JLO decides she's not a lesbian anymore and they have weird, sensual, "I'm not a lesbian anymore" sex. I seriously can't. If I keep trying to explain this movie in words all of the blood in my head is going to gush out out of my eye sockets. 

     Righteous Kill- HOLY SHIT! Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino together again? Guns in the trailer? This movie is going to be awesome right? WRONG! This movie sucks. Look at the rest of the cast. Donnie Wahlberg, John Leguizamo, Brian Dennehey 50 Cent, and Rob Dydrek. What the fuck is Rob Dydrek doing in a movie? He's a skateboarder. It's like whoever was casting this movie went through his phone book and picked out a bunch of weird people who were just hanging out around L.A. and had nothing else to do and put them in this movie. Donnie Wahlberg was just happy to be on set so he could eat what craft services put out on the table instead of picking half eaten In and Out burgers out of a dumpster on Sunset Blvd., and shouldn't John Leguizamo being doing a one man show in an alley on 45th street about how loud and crazy Puerto Ricans were in 1988? What the fuck were they thinking? The story line sucks, I won't go into the whole thing because I don't want you to fall asleep on me. Basically the two old deigos that grabbed top billing are vigilante detectives killing off these mob bosses and acquitted rapists, or maybe it's just DeNiro, I can't remember because this movie barely even left a shit stain on my memory. Either way, their calling card is that they leave a poem on the corpse when they kill the guy. Sounds real bad ass right? Either way there's supposed to be this twist that DeNiro is not really the killer, Pacino is doing it by himself. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, shitty movie. Moving on.

     Jack and Jill- I already kind of talked about this at the top of the post, I'm just having trouble figuring out a scenario where someone handed Al a script, then he read it and went YES! "I love this, how can I pass it up? Adam Sandler is going to play dual roles? What a talent. And one of them is a woman? THAT'S HILARIOUS! Also I love that Katie Holmes is going to play his wife, but he's going to have a son who's Hispanic. Doesn't matter that both of them are white, what am I a scientist? I don't know genetics, what do you want from me, it's funny." I have a theory that Sandler just throws these big parties in L.A and invites every celebrity he knows, and when they get there there's just tons of drugs, and gay sex, and a pit of human beings that just run around starved that these celebs get to pick out by hand and then hunt in his back yard. Then when everyone's having fun and got their guard down, Sandler snaps all these pictures as evidence and blackmail's these movie stars and athletes into doing shitty romantic comedies about a man who buys a remote that controls time and space, and a bunch of guys who "just won't grow up already".  Pacino had to have been at one of those parties.

      
      Also, just look at him. He looks like he flew too close to the sun, and he's wearing a head band like he's going to rock out Giant's Stadium for 4 hours with a never ending set of songs that have saxophone solos in them. I never understand adult men who let their hair grow past their ears either like it's 1971. Al, pull yourself together man. I know you've had Alzheimer's for 13 years but try to remember how it feels to make a movie that doesn't suck. Also steer clear of Sandler's house. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Al Pacino. WHOOOOO WAAAAAA!

Questions and feedback hit Michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com
     

The Adventures of Manti Te'o and The Stupidest Story You've Ever Heard

      Every year the sports world supplies us with some weird stories, mostly because men are stupid assholes to begin with and pro athletes usually are the amoeba you scrape off the bottom of the testosterone barrel. Remember when Favre sent that bitch a picture of his dick? Remember when Plaxico shot himself in the leg with his own gun because he went to the club with it in the waistband of his sweatpants like a Newark elementary school student? Well somehow, the powers that be have supplied us with a much more ridiculous story that is so fucking stupid everyone at ESPN jerked themselves off so hard they needed to smoke a carton of cigarettes to come down from the high.
       By now, you have to know that Manti Te'o (cool name), linebacker for Notre Dame's football team built himself a fake girlfriend, much like a woodworker would build a table out of a piece of wood. It's in the news, I'm not a journalist breaking a story, it's out there. The problem is that no one knows what the fuck is actually going on because people are now coming forward to try and take some of the heat off this dude to make him look like less of a total stupid assface. Apparently this was just a classic case of one Hawaiian savage playing mean dirty tricks on another, as is the stereo type. Hawaiians are notorious for masterminding elaborate internet catfishing schemes.
        The latest news now is that another dude, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo (a little much with the syllables on this one)............ who played for another team (USC)....................who Te'o met one time.............got so angry that he was so much more of a vicious island warrior with a less gay Hawaiian name, he decided to construct a master plan where he created a fake girl with leukemia . He then forced Te'o to say they were in a relationship (a relationship in which he did not receive a shred of pussy) despite never actually meeting in person, OR via Skype, Google Chat, Oovoo, Facebook Chat, ETC., ETC. Tuiasosopo then decided that when the time was right, he would dramatically kill her off like Henry Blake on M.A.S.H. Then, if everything went according to plan, Te'o would turn the story of his deceased girlfriend, who rotted away in bed from a horrific terminal illness into a national headline which would captivate America's hearts, and launch a major Heisman Trophy campaign. It was all just a clever ruse. This is truly the story that Mr. Te'o is expecting the world to believe. I'm not sure what the technology is like back in Kahlua (a Hawaiian island I'm sure) but maybe if no one there has ever seen a computer, this story could be quasi believable.
         This dude is full of shit, plain and simple. The story is just too full of wide open holes like a dutch whore convention. Now the question clearly comes down to whether this dude is trying to cover all this bullshit up because he's some kind of historic pathological liar, or he doesn't want people to know how truly stupid he is, because this would be on a MONUMENTAL level of out and out stupidity. Let's look at the facts of this for one second then you can get back to eating Trader Joe's edamomy or whatever you were doing.
         Homeboy wants us to believe that a top tier, division 1 athlete chose to blindly duck into a relationship with a bitch he's never met before. Not study buddies, not pen pals.......fucking boyfriend and girlfriend. A relationship which sometimes is the pre-cursor to marriage, an unforgivable act in which a man chooses to let a woman who isn't his mother live in his house until he gets buried (or cremated if that's your thing).  This redefines the meaning of long distance relationship. Let us not forget the reason men play sports (or do anything that requires us to bath and/or stand up). To get laid. You play little league for fun for about 6 years, then you hit 6th grade and girls start coming to the games and the competition matters because the kid who hits the most home runs, hits the most home runs  with the little blonde girls. (and that includes black dudes, at that age at least.....until Angela's parents have a nice long talk with her about how important it is that she be with someone who has "a similar cultural background") It's the same way bears just beat the shit out of each other to fuck which ever female bear they want. We aren't bears, we've evolved. We strap on helmets before we beat the shit out of each other and try to get laid, and Manti was/is at the top of the food chain, baby. Big, burly, dudes who play sports on TV tend to attract hot bitches like flies to shit. I mean of course he loses points for how he looks. That semi asian, semi mexican, I'm not quite sure what I actually am look he has going on, but hey man, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. This kid never even did a video chat with this "girl", and I have to put girl in quotations because she didn't actually exist and you can't have a conversation with nothing. According to him they Skyped and she was black boxed, whatever the fuck that means. Basically it comes down to standard, basic common sense. If you've never seen the other person in person, never had physical contact with them, or even seen them in real time video (because in this day in age it's pretty easy to video chat with someone) don't commit to a loving, romantic relationship with them, because it might not be real.
             Point number 2. This "girl" died of Leukemia. That's a slow death. This dude didn't drop in once to say "hey how's your Leukemia?" Forget the fact that this was supposed to be his girlfriend, (despite never even getting a finger in there)  basic human nature is to find out how close someone you know with a terminal illness is to dying. If I had a girlfriend dying of Leukemia, I'd at least send a teddy bear her way, or an edible arrangement so she had something to eat in between all the puking from chemotherapy. It makes no sense, and this "girl" was clearly not in great shape, having reportedly been on bed rest in the hospital, which is usually a thing that happens before cancer kills you. When asked about whether he had been concerned and thought about visiting Kekua in the hospital this is what he said, and I swear to god this is a fucking quote. Keep in mind before I spill it, this is a "girl" that he "loved". Here we go. "It never really crossed my mind. I don't know. I was in school."  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. It never really crossed my mind? Are you fucking serious?

Friend- "Hey Manti, how's your girlfriend man? I heard she's on bedrest in the hospital not doing too well."
Manti- "Yea dawg, she's kind of being eaten alive by Leukemia. I don't know I'm not really worried about it right now, I'm late for my 12:30 basket weaving class."
Friend- "Oh yea right on, I'm sure she'll be fine"

     And she was fine, because she was not a real person. Let's be real though, if a loved one is dying of something so serious, you make time to see them, otherwise you better get ready for years of therapy sessions and mounds of anti depressants. You don't usually dismiss terminal illnesses.

     Finally, the nail in the coffin. Manti is walking around with a lawyer. Why on earth would you need a lawyer if you're not worried about getting yourself into deeper shit by opening your mouth? I say shit all the time. I talk about people's momma's and shit like that. I don't have a lawyer. Mostly because I'm not worried about fucking my life up further with my mouth or possibly being incarcerated because everything I say is a lie. Innocent people don't need lawyers, not that I'm really sure that he did anything illegal, but clearly something is up. Mark Mcgwire talked to ESPN after getting busted with steroids and he didn't have a lawyer sitting next to him, and HE could have gone to jail for lying in court. Something stinks here, and it stinks like macadamia nuts.

Hit me up with questions or feedback michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com