Every year the sports world supplies us with some weird stories,
mostly because men are stupid assholes to begin with and pro athletes
usually are the amoeba you scrape off the bottom of the testosterone
barrel. Remember when Favre sent that bitch a picture of his dick?
Remember when Plaxico shot himself in the leg with his own gun because
he went to the club with it in the waistband of his sweatpants like a
Newark elementary school student? Well somehow, the powers that be have
supplied us with a much more ridiculous story that is so fucking stupid
everyone at ESPN jerked themselves off so hard they needed to smoke a
carton of cigarettes to come down from the high.
By now, you have to know that Manti Te'o (cool name), linebacker for Notre Dame's football team built himself a fake girlfriend, much like a woodworker would build a table out of a piece of wood. It's in the news, I'm not a journalist breaking a story, it's out there. The problem is that no one knows what the fuck is actually going on because people are now coming forward to try and take some of the heat off this dude to make him look like less of a total stupid assface. Apparently this was just a classic case of one Hawaiian savage playing mean dirty tricks on another, as is the stereo type. Hawaiians are notorious for masterminding elaborate internet catfishing schemes.
The latest news now is that another dude, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo (a little much with the syllables on this one)............ who played for another team (USC)....................who Te'o met one time.............got so angry that he was so much more of a vicious island warrior with a less gay Hawaiian name, he decided to construct a master plan where he created a fake girl with leukemia . He then forced Te'o to say they were in a relationship (a relationship in which he did not receive a shred of pussy) despite never actually meeting in person, OR via Skype, Google Chat, Oovoo, Facebook Chat, ETC., ETC. Tuiasosopo then decided that when the time was right, he would dramatically kill her off like Henry Blake on M.A.S.H. Then, if everything went according to plan, Te'o would turn the story of his deceased girlfriend, who rotted away in bed from a horrific terminal illness into a national headline which would captivate America's hearts, and launch a major Heisman Trophy campaign. It was all just a clever ruse. This is truly the story that Mr. Te'o is expecting the world to believe. I'm not sure what the technology is like back in Kahlua (a Hawaiian island I'm sure) but maybe if no one there has ever seen a computer, this story could be quasi believable.
This dude is full of shit, plain and simple. The story is just too full of wide open holes like a dutch whore convention. Now the question clearly comes down to whether this dude is trying to cover all this bullshit up because he's some kind of historic pathological liar, or he doesn't want people to know how truly stupid he is, because this would be on a MONUMENTAL level of out and out stupidity. Let's look at the facts of this for one second then you can get back to eating Trader Joe's edamomy or whatever you were doing.
Homeboy wants us to believe that a top tier, division 1 athlete chose to blindly duck into a relationship with a bitch he's never met before. Not study buddies, not pen pals.......fucking boyfriend and girlfriend. A relationship which sometimes is the pre-cursor to marriage, an unforgivable act in which a man chooses to let a woman who isn't his mother live in his house until he gets buried (or cremated if that's your thing). This redefines the meaning of long distance relationship. Let us not forget the reason men play sports (or do anything that requires us to bath and/or stand up). To get laid. You play little league for fun for about 6 years, then you hit 6th grade and girls start coming to the games and the competition matters because the kid who hits the most home runs, hits the most home runs with the little blonde girls. (and that includes black dudes, at that age at least.....until Angela's parents have a nice long talk with her about how important it is that she be with someone who has "a similar cultural background") It's the same way bears just beat the shit out of each other to fuck which ever female bear they want. We aren't bears, we've evolved. We strap on helmets before we beat the shit out of each other and try to get laid, and Manti was/is at the top of the food chain, baby. Big, burly, dudes who play sports on TV tend to attract hot bitches like flies to shit. I mean of course he loses points for how he looks. That semi asian, semi mexican, I'm not quite sure what I actually am look he has going on, but hey man, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. This kid never even did a video chat with this "girl", and I have to put girl in quotations because she didn't actually exist and you can't have a conversation with nothing. According to him they Skyped and she was black boxed, whatever the fuck that means. Basically it comes down to standard, basic common sense. If you've never seen the other person in person, never had physical contact with them, or even seen them in real time video (because in this day in age it's pretty easy to video chat with someone) don't commit to a loving, romantic relationship with them, because it might not be real.
Point number 2. This "girl" died of Leukemia. That's a slow death. This dude didn't drop in once to say "hey how's your Leukemia?" Forget the fact that this was supposed to be his girlfriend, (despite never even getting a finger in there) basic human nature is to find out how close someone you know with a terminal illness is to dying. If I had a girlfriend dying of Leukemia, I'd at least send a teddy bear her way, or an edible arrangement so she had something to eat in between all the puking from chemotherapy. It makes no sense, and this "girl" was clearly not in great shape, having reportedly been on bed rest in the hospital, which is usually a thing that happens before cancer kills you. When asked about whether he had been concerned and thought about visiting Kekua in the hospital this is what he said, and I swear to god this is a fucking quote. Keep in mind before I spill it, this is a "girl" that he "loved". Here we go. "It never really crossed my mind. I don't know. I was in school."
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. It never really crossed my mind? Are you fucking serious?
Friend- "Hey Manti, how's your girlfriend man? I heard she's on bedrest in the hospital not doing too well."
Manti- "Yea dawg, she's kind of being eaten alive by Leukemia. I don't know I'm not really worried about it right now, I'm late for my 12:30 basket weaving class."
Friend- "Oh yea right on, I'm sure she'll be fine"
And she was fine, because she was not a real person. Let's be real though, if a loved one is dying of something so serious, you make time to see them, otherwise you better get ready for years of therapy sessions and mounds of anti depressants. You don't usually dismiss terminal illnesses.
Finally, the nail in the coffin. Manti is walking around with a lawyer. Why on earth would you need a lawyer if you're not worried about getting yourself into deeper shit by opening your mouth? I say shit all the time. I talk about people's momma's and shit like that. I don't have a lawyer. Mostly because I'm not worried about fucking my life up further with my mouth or possibly being incarcerated because everything I say is a lie. Innocent people don't need lawyers, not that I'm really sure that he did anything illegal, but clearly something is up. Mark Mcgwire talked to ESPN after getting busted with steroids and he didn't have a lawyer sitting next to him, and HE could have gone to jail for lying in court. Something stinks here, and it stinks like macadamia nuts.
Hit me up with questions or feedback michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com
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