I had the misfortune of catching about 30 minutes of Adam Sandler's theatrical anomaly Jack and Jill this morning while I was putting lotion on my elbows because the tri-state area is below freezing and my skin cracks like egg shells if I make a movement of any kind. Also for some reason that I'll never understand, ESPN had tennis on instead of Sports Center. Man this thing was bad. I mean it looked bad, I knew it was bad, but like......Adam Sandler plays himself (like always), and himself with tits and a wig (Really challenging himself as an actor) which I kind of wanted to see for a second to make sure I had evidence of how far humanity is sinking into the shitter. Seriously, if the military forced the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay to watch this movie our government would be FUCKED because it would be considered a heinous act of torture. What I didn't realize is that Al Pacino is in this movie. No, no, let me rephrase that. He's the first supporting actor in the movie. No, no, wait let me rephrase that again. He's the first supporting actor in the movie, and he's playing himself. No, no, wait let me take one more crack at this. He's the first supporting actor in a movie where he plays himself, and he's IN LOVE with Adam Sandler dressed in drag, despite the fact that Pacino is 72 years old and crusty like old toe nails and Adam Sandler is 46 and has that fat hebrew nose in the middle of his face. Now, I did not get to see about half of this piece of shit because I have a full schedule that includes buying frozen coffee drinks that I didn't realize were frozen until bitches hand them to me in the freezing cold, and taking a shit two times in one day in the Penn Station bathroom, but those 30 minutes that I will never get back got me thinking about Al (we're on a first name basis because we're pizonos. WHOPs know each other like that).
I did some research and was kind of shocked at what I found. Pacino obviously is a great actor. He rose to a level of respect in the acting community as a stage guy. Once he got The Godfather the dude took off like a fucking space ship. From 72-79 he was 7 for 7 with critically acclaimed movies that most would consider classics. The Godfather, Scarecrow, Serpico, The Godfather Part II, Dog Day Afternoon, Bobby Deerfield, and ....And Justice For All. This was his run for 5 years. Just perfect. It's hard to think of any other 5 year stretch of a film career for anybody that is that impressive. From there he cruised through the 80's and 90's with the film career that you would expect from an actor of his caliber. He ebbed and flowed doing some great films and some average ones, this of course includes Scent of a Woman which he won an Oscar for in 1992. Up through the late 90's Pacino did some pretty good movies. Donny Brasco, The Devil's Advocate, and obviously Heat. Then 99 came around and the shit hit the fucking fan.
Pacino closed out the 90's with Any Given Sunday, a movie that kind of sucks but wasn't too terrible. The problem was it was apparently a sign of things to come. Every movie that this man has made since 2000 belongs on Staten Island because each one of them is a fucking piece of garbage. Dude, just look at this list of atrocious career choices. Chinese Coffee, S1m0ne, People I Know, The Recruit, Gigli, Two For the Money, Ocean's Thirteen, 88 Minutes, Righteous Kill and Jack and Jill. What the fuck happened man? Have you ever even heard of half of these movies? In 8 years this man got nominated 4 times for a Golden Raspberry, the award they give Meghan Fox every year just for showing up to work. ( and because she can't close her lips. Seriously do an image search on her. You can't find one picture of her where her lips are closed)
I don't get it man. I mean you can't blame age because there are some old ass dudes still doing good work. Alan Arkin is 78 and that old mother fucker just got nominated for an Oscar for Argo. Christopher Plummer is 82 and he won some hardware for Beginners last year. Pacino has to know he can turn down movies, right? Unless..............................OH MY GOD.........................Al Pacino has had Alzheimer's disease for 13 years. It's the only logical explanation. Just look at some of these more ridiculous flops in detail.
S1m0ne- First off....look at this gay fucking title. Pacino should have looked at the cover of this screenplay, ripped it off and made his agent eat it and wash it down with a food that he had an allergy to (hopefully peanuts because that usually has a violent reaction). Basically, in this piece of shit, Pacino plays a film director. Winona Ryder plays a diva actress who is starring in his movie, and they get into a fight. Her contract says that if she pulls out of the movie, no footage of her can be used at all, so Pacino has to re- shoot all her scenes. At some point at the beginning of the movie some guy with a fucked up eye gives Al this computer program, but Al brushes homeboy off because he has a fucked up eye, but then the guy dies and Al feels guilty, so he checks it out. The program is called simulation one, which explains the gay title, but not why the gay title has numbers in it. Basically it's an animated woman that you can control to do anything you want within the computer world (the actress isn't important because this movie nipped her career right in the fucking bud). Al decides to digitally insert this woman into the movie because he's a fucking moron. Not thinking about standard things that actors do, like meet with producers, go on press tours, have agents and managers, etc. etc., he makes her the STAR of a major motion picture. When it's time to do press for the movie, everyone wants to know where Simone (That's her name. Simulation one....... do you get it?) is, and of course Al didn't think of this because why the hell would he use common sense? So he tells the world that she's a recluse and he's the only person on earth who can talk to her, because he was obviously trying to keep shit low key and that's not suspicious I guess. Obviously there's a public outcry to meet this bitch, so eventually Al starts projecting her through a hologram projector at these places where people can keep their distance from her and not figure out she's just a hologram. The press love her, and Al is pissed that he has to keep doing this bullshit so he tries to ruin her career by making her a total bitch, but the press love that too, so he can't kill this thing. Long story short, he deletes her and gets charged for murder because who the fuck would believe that this bitch who was in these movies was not a real person? So to get Al acquitted his wife and daughter find the disk and create her again, so basically Al is stuck controlling this bitch for the rest of his life..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Gigli- If you love cringing at dialog pop this movie in, that is assuming you can find it on DVD. "My name, it's pronounced 'Gigli', it rhymes with 'really'."- Ben Affleck. I swear to god that's a line in this movie that my sister with downsyndrome and her friends made with 3 cell phones and a broom handle with a dixie cup on the end of it that we promised them was a shotgun microphone. This thing is fucking terrible. I would love to explain the story to you but I have no clue how to, this thing jumps all over the place. All you basically need to know is that Ben Affleck and JLO are the two leads in this suckfest and they have to kidnap an autistic kid to black mail a prosecutor in New York because Pacino is an Italian mob boss named Starkman, (whoever wrote this fucking movie has clearly never met any Italian people in his life.) and he doesn't want to go to prison. JLO is a lesbian and won't give Ben none of that pussy, but then JLO's crazy ex-girlfriend tries to slit her wrists and they take her to the hospital, but when they get back JLO decides she's not a lesbian anymore and they have weird, sensual, "I'm not a lesbian anymore" sex. I seriously can't. If I keep trying to explain this movie in words all of the blood in my head is going to gush out out of my eye sockets.
Righteous Kill- HOLY SHIT! Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino together again? Guns in the trailer? This movie is going to be awesome right? WRONG! This movie sucks. Look at the rest of the cast. Donnie Wahlberg, John Leguizamo, Brian Dennehey 50 Cent, and Rob Dydrek. What the fuck is Rob Dydrek doing in a movie? He's a skateboarder. It's like whoever was casting this movie went through his phone book and picked out a bunch of weird people who were just hanging out around L.A. and had nothing else to do and put them in this movie. Donnie Wahlberg was just happy to be on set so he could eat what craft services put out on the table instead of picking half eaten In and Out burgers out of a dumpster on Sunset Blvd., and shouldn't John Leguizamo being doing a one man show in an alley on 45th street about how loud and crazy Puerto Ricans were in 1988? What the fuck were they thinking? The story line sucks, I won't go into the whole thing because I don't want you to fall asleep on me. Basically the two old deigos that grabbed top billing are vigilante detectives killing off these mob bosses and acquitted rapists, or maybe it's just DeNiro, I can't remember because this movie barely even left a shit stain on my memory. Either way, their calling card is that they leave a poem on the corpse when they kill the guy. Sounds real bad ass right? Either way there's supposed to be this twist that DeNiro is not really the killer, Pacino is doing it by himself. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, shitty movie. Moving on.
Jack and Jill- I already kind of talked about this at the top of the post, I'm just having trouble figuring out a scenario where someone handed Al a script, then he read it and went YES! "I love this, how can I pass it up? Adam Sandler is going to play dual roles? What a talent. And one of them is a woman? THAT'S HILARIOUS! Also I love that Katie Holmes is going to play his wife, but he's going to have a son who's Hispanic. Doesn't matter that both of them are white, what am I a scientist? I don't know genetics, what do you want from me, it's funny." I have a theory that Sandler just throws these big parties in L.A and invites every celebrity he knows, and when they get there there's just tons of drugs, and gay sex, and a pit of human beings that just run around starved that these celebs get to pick out by hand and then hunt in his back yard. Then when everyone's having fun and got their guard down, Sandler snaps all these pictures as evidence and blackmail's these movie stars and athletes into doing shitty romantic comedies about a man who buys a remote that controls time and space, and a bunch of guys who "just won't grow up already". Pacino had to have been at one of those parties.
Also, just look at him. He looks like he flew too close to the sun, and he's wearing a head band like he's going to rock out Giant's Stadium for 4 hours with a never ending set of songs that have saxophone solos in them. I never understand adult men who let their hair grow past their ears either like it's 1971. Al, pull yourself together man. I know you've had Alzheimer's for 13 years but try to remember how it feels to make a movie that doesn't suck. Also steer clear of Sandler's house. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Al Pacino. WHOOOOO WAAAAAA!
Questions and feedback hit Michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com
Funny as shit review, spot on.
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