5 Broadway Shows That Would Get My Ass Rich

      I was watching something on the tube last night and a commercial for that Spider Man musical came on. The commercial was footage of the Green Goblin doing this hauntingly gay shuffle dance dance to a song about how good it is to be bad in New York City. It's basically a ploy to get New Yorkers to buy tickets to see this shit storm. Now, usually you may have to fill people in on what's going on on Broadway if they aren't from New York or New Jersey because the shows change pretty often, unless you're talking about one of the big ones like "Wicked", or "The Lion King" or one of those. "Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark" is certainly a big one, so I probably don't have to explain to people outside the Tri-State what it is. If you're surprised that it's actually still on Broadway though, then we're on the same page. I was amazed when I saw this thing last night. I thought it was long gone, mostly because it's famous for being a total fucking failure that cost like 15 million dollars to put together.

     When Marvel first announced this mess my first thought was clearly "This is a joke right?". Why on earth would anyone make Spider Man into a musical? It's not a topic that has anything to do with music, or choreographed dance, or even Jews (Peter Parker sounds pretty gentile to me). Who the fuck would want to emasculate Spider Man by making him sing and dance show tunes while he's beating the shit out of bad guys. It's demeaning to all parties involved, and that includes the bad guys who were already embarrassed that they got busted trying to rob a Wells Fargo by getting trapped in a ridiculous giant spider web. I was already out for this thing because it was stupid and unnecessary. However, if Marvel wanted to find a way to make it more stupid, they had succeeded. To supply the music for this warcrime in the making, they picked out the two perfect elements from the stupid cunt nose periodic table. Bono and The Edge

 
      Just look at these two. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat the FUCK would either of these two snake charmers know about making Broad Way showtunes? All of their music sounds like it was made for people who live out in space, but they thought it sucked, so we got stuck with it. Forget the fact that Bono wears those RIDICULOUS orange sunglasses with rhinestones on them (Which my 71 year old, east side of Brooklyn, Jewish grandmother thinks are, "Just fabulous") EVERYWHERE and looks like an asshole every single moment of every single day, his name is Bono. He picked that name, his parents didn't name him Bono. Somewhere in his mind he thought, and probably still thinks, that Bono sounds like a really cool name for someone who rocks as hard as he does. To make it even douchier, Bono means good voice in Italian. He named himself good voice. He didn't want people to call him Paul, which is his actual name. He wanted his name to be a compliment to himself 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  I need to put a cap on this rant because I literally could probably write about 8-10 pages strictly on my hatred for Bono and his band of Irish space cowboys.

     Before I get even farther off topic I'm going to pull it all back in. "Spider Man Turn Off The Dark" has shockingly been running for 3 years now, because time apparently fucking flies when you're stealing people's money. This just got me thinking about how little skill or story structure you actually need to create a Broad Way show. It's easy apparently, and it's a show, so German tourists will pay $150 dollars a ticket to see anything just to say they sat in the St. James theater.  So I am officially announcing that this will be my last blog post bitches. I'm taking one of my awesome show ideas below, running straight to the bank, cashing my fucking check and moving to Connecticut. You'll never see me again.

1. "Rock Star"- Nickelback finally answer's the heavy demand from their fans to bring their "music" to the great white way. Running with the theme of "Mamma Mia", "Movin' Out" and "Rock of Ages",  we take the cool, hard rock soundtrack of every middle school bus driver's life and put it on stage. Just think about it.

Abba- Super rich off "Mamma Mia"

Bill Joel (I call him Bill)- Super rich off "Movin' Out"

All those fucking 80's rock stars- Most of them probably got a warm meal or two or lending their songs to "Rock of Ages". Trust me, the dudes from Warrant are not buying out the club.

    We open on Jake, a balding, mid 30's biker dude, played by Hugh Jackman, with nothing but a dream and his Harley, riding up and down the winding highways of Newfoundland. He's just trying to have a few a Michelob Ultras in his brother's backyard, and fuck Patty, a blonde waitress by day, stripper by night, played by Kristen Chenowith. This thing's a home run. Somehow Nickelback sells out The Garden everytime they come to New York, because let's face it, Americans love white trash things. That's why no one reads, and NASA is bankrupt, but "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so popular it got it's own spin off about a rotund 7 year old named Honey Boo Boo, who is raised by a family of humpback whales. 

 "He's a What?"- The story of besmirched New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey finally get's it's proper due every night at the Shubert Theatre. For those of you who don't remember, Jim McGreevey, played by Hugh Jackman, was forced to resign from office in August of 2004 after admitting that he had engaged in an adult consensual affair with another man, Golan Cipel (played by Nathan Lane), who threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. The problem with this of course was that Mcgreevey had a wife and kids, so the joke was on New Jersey. The bigger joke is that this man now teaches ethics at my college....I wish I was kidding. Songs include: "Can You Keep a Secret?", "Please Don't Black Mail Me",  and "Whoops"

 "Mis-Executed"- As Americans, we learn very little in school about the Bay of Pigs Invasion, mostly because we got our clocks cleaned by Cuban rebels. We don't usually like to talk about wars and battles we lost, so in my version we win, and colonize the shit out of Cuba. Every night at the Helen Hayes Theater,  Major Jack Smith, played by Hugh Jackman, leads a squadron of young American's to a swift and flawless victory over the Cuban exiles. This was actually more of an aerial battle in real life, but Hugh Jackman cannot tap dance in an airplane.......or can he?    
Songs include: "There's Rice Everywhere", "Who's Raft is This?", and "We're Going to Build Casinos Here"

 "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" - Hugh Jackman takes on a roll of a lifetime playing Helen Keller at the Neil Simon Theater. This musical romp shows the lighter side of being both deaf and blind, and most unfortunately of all, a woman. What kind of trouble is Helen cooking up in Alabama circa 1900? Not much, but if you have to be deaf and blind, you're lucky to be born in Alabama because there's not a whole lot to see there. It works because people love tragedy turned comedy.
Songs include: "MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" 

 "Porno: The Musical"- This is just Hugh Jackman fucking women on stage for 2 hours. Songs include "Smaller than I expected", "This never happens to me, I swear", and "Wrong Hole" 

I better get to work. 


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