It's fashion week in New York . Oh shit! Is that a corpse walking down 7th avenue? Oh no, it's Aaron Carter trouncing around Midtown looking for gay prostitutes and low level crack rocks (because he's on a budget) in parachute pants and Tracy McGrady sneakers from 2002. More importantly, the hottest women in the world are hanging around the city until at least the end of the week. Now when I say the hottest women in the world, don't misconstrue even a syllable of that sentence, I mean it to the fullest. On a regular basis about 85% percent of the most beautiful people in the world live on the island Manhattan, 7% live in L.A because they're in movies, 3% percent live in South America because they are sex slaves who are owned by the drug cartels, and the other 5% are spread throughout Italy, France, and England because they like art and history and all that other gay bullshit that isn't important in America. THESE ARE REAL STATISTICS ACCORDING TO ME AND THE MULATTO KID SITTING NEXT TO ME IN THE LIBRARY WEARING DIRTY RED HIGH TOP AIR FORCE ONE SNEAKERS. During fashion week all these percentages form like Voltron and Manhattan becomes a dangerous %100 percent hot woman level. Look left, super model. Look right, super model. It's sensory overload. Having said all of this as a man, the main point of fashion week if you're going out is to be fresh. You need a how to guide on how to not look like an asshole in front of these gorgeous women. Now guys, I get it, you're not me. I'm gorgeous bruh. Thick head of dark hair, a chest that you can eat assorted smoked meats off of, and a dick so big if they had it when the Titanic hit the iceberg, no one would have died because we would have had an extra row boat, feel me? It's cool, I know I set a super hardcore example of superb alpha male behavior, but if you follow these rules you're straight, I promise.
Do- Do have a credit card. Bitches love to spend money, especially when it isn't theirs. I know you're broke, I am too (If you're reading this, give me checks) that's why the gold card was invented home slice. Pay it later. You're balling out this week, because if there's one week a year where you should be, it's this one. Fuck Christmas, fuck Hanukkah, fuck Kwanza because no one celebrates it anyway. This is the big leagues dude. Men do things for high fives from other men. This list includes building sky scrapers, curing polio, and sleeping with hot women. If you try to impress Kate Upton, and she wants a Filet Mignon marinated in Henri IV served on a platter made out of platinum and bald eagle's assholes on the rooftop of the Plaza Hotel, you say yes and pray to god they take Discover. Realistically it'll probably be way more food anyway because Kate looooooooooooves to eat (Just Kidding Kate. You're shockingly gorgeous, bitch).
Do- Do know your way around the 5 boroughs (Well 4. You're not going to Staten Island). Know your landmarks. Pop quiz hot shot. It's 2:15 in the morning and you're with Naomi Watts and Alessandra Ambrosio and they wanna get out of Manhattan. Naomi is pretending to be black tonight, and she wants to go somewhere crazy. Where do you go? That's right, Brasil is spinning an after hours dubstep show at an abandoned meat freezer on Bedford Avenue in Greenpoint. Uh oh, Alessandra popped way too much molly and then Naomi cracked her skull open with a cell phone because she thought Alessandra was making fun of her bowlegged dancing, when really she was just having 4 seizures at once. You can't take her to a hospital because the paparazzi can't find out about this. Where do you take her? That's right, Dr. Chang's apartment in Flushing. He can keep his mouth shut and there's like 6,000 Dr. Changs in Flushing, the media would never figure out which one it is. See why you need to know this shit?
Do- Do make up a background story for yourself. Let's be real bruh, you're probably not that interesting. The people at these parties and shows are musicians and movie stars. Their lives are better than yours. I hate when people try to say things like celebrities lives aren't better than regular people's, of course they are. You're probably a plumber from Rahway New Jersey. How many toilets do you think Emma Stone had to fix last year? Anyway, take a couple of hours and make up an interesting story about yourself. The more you pretend you don't give a shit the better because that's intriguing to people. Learn like a card trick and be semi vague. Observe
Plumber from Rahway- My name is Dan. Here pick a card, any card
Model- Hello Dan, sure. What do you do Dan?
Dan- Well, a little bit of this, little bit of that. Is this your card?
Money. The best Dan is going to do at least.
Do- Do do coke off the curve of any woman's ass if offered. I don't do coke, but you're not me pimp. You gotta look cool somehow.
Don't- Don't try and tell funny stories. You're not funny to begin with. Also models don't laugh unless it's at other people's physical shortcomings, like your receding hairline. It's a double whammy, you're just wasting everyone's time. These people are mad liberal, which is just as bad as being mad conservative. They're the same thing. Just act like you have a stick up your ass and you read something interesting in the New Yorker about economic tyranny in Uganda, and how those people "need our help". You'll be a hit.
Don't- Don't, please don't. For the love of god DO NOT try to pull off one of these horrifically stupid outfits. These people look like assholes. Their fashion statement is that they found this fabric in a dirty alley on 128th street when they went uptown to buy heroine, and decided to drape it over their shoulder and wear it in public. You don't need to look like a member of the ensemble cast to "The Lion King" stage show, or wear chainmale shirtless to fit in. You're a man. Invest in a decent pair of dress shoes and get a tailored suit. Whether you're on the hunt for some pussy, or your swinging for our allies in the LGBT, whatever you're trying to attract is going to dig a suit that fits you well and a nice pair of shoes. Please do not wear a poncho you asshole.
Don't- Don't pull your dick out in public unless a female asks you to. I know there will be lots of small Chinese pigmys running around in capri pants and electric blue spiked hair doing this all over the city. Ignore them. They're artsy and asian. It's expected from them for both those reasons. You are neither of those things Dan. Keep your dick inside your pants unless you're using it.
Subscribe and keep telling your friends. I'll be posting the link to the live caining of the Oscar's, which will take place on Feb. 24th with Mike Flynn, Brad Zuckerwise, and Tony De Cristofaro. Hit my email Michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com, Hit my Twitter @mikecoscarelli. Podcast is coming in the next couple of weeks. Love Yall.
PEACE
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