-Make Country Music- CHECK
-Appear on "Ellen" 4 Times a Week- CHECK
-Glue a Smile on Your Face and Constantly Be Positive and Upbeat Even Though Life is a Dark Lonely Void That Ends In Oblivion- CHECK
-Take Cute Pictures of Cats on Instagram- CHECK
- Act Completely Surprised Any Time You Receive Praise or Recognition of Any Kind- CHECK
On the surface, you're perfect, there's no way around it. I ain't even mad though, do your thing Taylor. Get your money. Spend it on your ridiculous looking sparkling guitars and Lisa Frank trapper keepers and other things that girls in my 7 year old cousin's 1st grade class like. Better get all this shit now because you're ride is going to be coming to an end very soon if you don't clean your act up girlfriend. That's why these gentleman to my left and my right are here today. We want to help you.
You see, you're fame has come from writing songs about guys fucking you over which young girls can relate to, because you are a role model to them. This is something you started doing when you were 18, a very young girl. As boys continue to break your heart as you grow into womanhood, you cope by locking yourself in a studio with a notebook, and it ends in success every time. At this point you are 23 years old, still a very young ripe age, but let's take a look into the future.
You continue to date boys, get dumped, and write music. The cycle just never ends. Except now you're not 23, you're 32. Those cupcakes you love baking around the holidays start to take their toll on your waste line as your body begins to prepare itself for the baby making stage of it's life, and as you have grown up, your fans have grown up with you. Your fans however have had to mature. They can't relate to your music anymore, they have husbands and children, and mortgages to pay, and a job at Metlife with a boss riding them hard for that expense report that was due yesterday, but the baby wouldn't shut the fuck up all night so they couldn't get any work done. They just don't care about songs with lyrics that bitch about how boys don't like them. They have way too much on their plates, and with the new generation growing more life savvy every day, are you still a role model to young girls? A single, 32 year old woman who can't hold down a man and continues to project her problems onto the world, lacking any accountability, blaming all her romantic missteps on her partner? At what point does a young girl say....."Maybe it's Taylor's fault?". So your album sales dip, as do the size of the venues you play. You go from The Garden, to Radio City, to the Best Buy Theater, to Rockland Music Hall, and your movie career.......well let's just say that that experiment is over LOLZ. I'm here to tell you though, it does not have to be like this
A lot of people seem to think that your trouble with men stems from this insane idea that we don't want to mess with you because if we break up with you, we end up public enemy number one by ending up in one of your songs. Let me be the first one to tell you that has never been a factor in any man's decision to sleep with a woman in the history of man kind. You're not the daughter of a mafia boss, you probably don't own a gun, and you look clean so I'm going to assume your vagina doesn't exhume a pungent odor. Those are the 3 qualifications to not have sex with a girl that exist on the planet. If anything having a bitch write a song about what a heart breaker you are is the ultimate compliment. I'd rather give you a hickey while grabbing your tits right now and have you write a song about me that dis enchants every woman on earth from ever messing with me for the rest of my life, than marry a 6 foot blonde big titted Norwegian princess with Steven Tyler's lips and her own hovercraft. My hand would constantly be broken from all the high fives I'd be getting. Stop thinking that's a factor in your relationships, like your mediocre musicianship is the giant elephant in the room hindering your chances at a meaningful relationship with a man. You're problem is that you need to grow up, and accept a little bit of responsibility for your actions instead of buying body pillows and stuffed animals to sleep with at night because they feel like a boy. That's why I brought these gentleman in to talk to you about their side of your relationship.
Joe Jonas- We had a lot of fun Taylor. Playing music with you was the best. Sitting around a camp fire singing songs about being young and oh so confused about everything. You would take the low parts, and I of course would always sing the high ones. Any time I needed eyeliner, or a flat iron for my hair, you were there. Anytime I wanted to go shopping for matching Dooney and Bourke European sling bags, you were there. But when I wanted to share my love for Jesus with you, you were not there. I told you I was saving myself for marriage but you just tried and tried to get into my pants, which were actually your pants that I was borrowing. You were too aggressive for me Taylor, and Jesus was just a modest carpenter.
John Mayer- Dear Taylor. I couldn't be at this stupid intervention thing because I'm in Minneapolis getting my swerve on. It's not called the twin city for nothing if you know what I'm saying. To clarify I have twin bitches in my bed right now and I'm giving them a nasty Eiffel tower while I write this letter to you. Let's call this spade to spade. Monogamy is not really my thing. Eating Jessica Simpson's rancid pussy and then talking about it to "People Magazine" is my thing. That's what I'm good at. I'm kind of a wild and crazy bad boy which you should have known from the start. It's the reason I wrote that song "Daughters" in the first place. Listen though, it was fantastic taking your virginity. You were so young and naive so it took you like 0 convincing to hit it raw, despite the whole chlamydia situation I have going on (that's a sexually transmitted disease. You should Wikipedia it, it's a part of you now). Welp, gotta run. Eric Clapton wants me to come over and play guitar because I'm a rockstar like I've been telling everyone.
Harry Styles- Taylor, I'm English so excuse me if my English isn't so great. I like to remember the good times we had. Eating pizza together (with no vegetables, because those are yucky poo poo), watching "Zoom" which my mom said is ok to watch after school because it's educational, and putting baseball cards on the spokes of our bikes so it sounds like we're riding motorcycles. It was such a wonky time. I remember that one time we french kissed. I was so happy I just ran off and started skipping rocks on a pond. Let's be honest though, I'm 17 years old. What the fuck were you doing dating me? You're basically a woman and I'm still trying to figure out the difference between Barbasol shaving cream and the gel stuff. Seriously, what's the deal with that?
Conor Kennedy- Listen Taylor you're great but let's be honest, I'm going to be dead in like a matter of weeks. I know you didn't make it to school much because of all the "music" you were making, but just to fill you in on some history, my grandfather sold weapons to Hitler who was like the most evil dude of all time. To put it in terms you might understand, Hitler was kind of like the Grinch who stole Christmas, but instead of showering Whoville with presents at the end of the movie, Hitler tried to shower every Jewish person on earth with toxic gasses. My whole family is cursed as fuck, no one makes it past like 28, except Uncle Ted, but that's a whole nother story. Don't even get me started on Uncle Ted. Anyway, it just wasn't going to work. You understand, right?
Jake Gyllenhaal- Taylor, please stop calling me. I'm a movie star I do not have time to deal with this shit. One Love.
This should say a lot Taylor. Maybe date a stable human being for once. Like a mechanic or something. A regular person, with a regular job who would enjoy your natural, air tight, clingy nature. Think about it girlfriend. It could save your career.
Send your questions and comments to michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter @mikecoscarelli, and tell your friends.
PEACE
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