WHY ARE THE 90'S BACK?

     What's up sluts? I know it's been a minute since I dropped some education on your asses, but that's because I've been busy prepping this goddammned podcast so you can listen to my voice. I've been around though, and I've been noticing some changes happening around me lately. There's some weird shit happening on college campuses and the younger areas of New York. Apparently 90's style is cool again. I see black dudes walking around with boozy fades, hipsters playing Sega Genesis in their abundantly ironic Bushwick apartments, and the fucking Spice Girls have a stage show in London. Why is any of this happening?  The thing that I find most strange about the fad is that its all people my age setting the trend. Everyone involved is like aged 22-30. We already lived through the 90's, why are we trying to bring them back? Do you not remember? The 90's were like mediocre at best. What the fuck is going on? If all you remember about the decade is your childhood, then the memories are obviously going to be sweet. Everyone's childhood is awesome, no matter what decade you lived it through, unless you were like molested by an uncle (Well not really an uncle, but like a close friend of your parents who you call uncle even though he isn't really an actual uncle........ok just a guy in van who promised me alottttttttttttt of candy and never did actually follow through with his end of the bargain). There's not a single bad thing about childhood for the average American kid. You wake up, bullshit around school for a couple of hours and then you're free to go play baseball without helmets, and explore the woods at night time. Along the way you watch a few TV shows and play with some action figures.

      My generation just refuses to grow up. There's no fucking hope for us. By 2020 there will be no more doctors, lawyers, or politicians. Just a stupefying number of house music DJs and cupcake shop entrepreneurs. If you cut yourself by accident trying to slice up your gluten free loaf of honey oat bread, you're in trouble, but if you're throwing a Garbage Pale Kids themed disco party and need someone on the ones and twos don't worry. You can log onto Facebook and find a DJ in less than 3 minutes. There's a reason short shorts, high top fades, and LA Gear sneakers went out of style. THEY LOOK FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I know how many people walk this earth, lemme rephrase that, walk around New York City, dressed like an asshole on purpose to try and be different (unsuccessfully) but we're going a little too far here, amigos.   

   I'm not hating on the 90's, I'm actually listening to The Cranberries at this exact moment. Those pasty Irish motherfuckers had some great hits. Like I said it was a good time to grow up. The world changed a lot in that decade. Seinfeld is great. The internet is great. Knowing everyone on the planet (minus Africa, ewwwwwwww) has a cellphone is great. However, there's a lot of shit from the 90's that WASN'T so great, and if we don't stop this mayhem in it's tracks now there's no telling if any of these abominations can come back.

Grunge- Find me a person (outside of Seattle) that wants this bullshit to come back and I will eat 11 sweaty Puerto Rican strippers assholes out and wash it down with a glass of vinegar. Grunge music is terrible, and the people who listen to it look like dirty vagabond lumberjacks. Nirvana sucks. Nirvana has always sucked. I had to get new underwear from laughing when Rolling Stone put Kurt Cobain in their top 100 guitar players (I also love reading Rolling Stone because they're a music magazine that doesn't know anything about music). I would rather hang my head out the side of a Jeep Wrangler and let my face drag on the pavement of the Garden State Parkway then have to listen to even one Soundgarden song.

Saved By The Bell- This is not a good show. I don't care if you watched it after school when you were 9 and you're nostalgic about how cool you thought the gang was because they had their own Fudruckers they could go to after school and sit in chairs backwards while scarfing down a basket of french fries.  It was so bad, it got dropped two times from television before it got a piece of shit Saturday morning time slot on NBC. It ran 4 seasons for a reason. You know why you liked it so much? Because you were 6 when it was in syndication on television, and what the fuck do 6 year olds know about story structure and character development? Nothing, that's because they're learning what the color yellow is in kindergarten class. Screech is the most annoying character ever on television, and yes I'm ranking him higher than Peter Griffin, Fran Drescher, and anyone on "Scrubs". Also lets not forget that "Saved By The Bell" launched the career of the truly horrible Mario Lopez who gets a paycheck for doing sit ups and looking greasy, which should be enough reason to hate the show in my opinion.  

Bigotry- To be fair this obviously hasn't completely gone away, but we forget that there were some major race relation events that went down in the 90's. How could we forget the L.A riots? The always graceful Los Angeles Police Department beat the shit out of Rodney King and then were acquitted of excessive force charges by an all white jury. For some reason, this pissed off the south central population which was about 96% black. Cut to people just walking into The Wiz and walking out with televisions and smoke grenades popping off on Sunset Blvd. There always seems to be something so exciting happening in California.

Also, let's not forget our outstanding treatment of gay Americans in the 90's. Fresh off the AIDs scare, in 1993 Bill Clinton introduced Don't Ask Don't Tell. I don't even think I have to explain this, but the short answer for of this is that gay people in the military had to keep their shit on the downlow, or get kicked out. This was also the decade that we first saw the Westboro Baptist Church on parade ruining funerals of homosexuals. With their picket signs in hand, these heroes (sent by god himself, see?) fearlessly, and valiantly held up signs (because signs are badass as fuck) at the funeral of Mathew Shepard, a 21 year old Wyoming homo sexual male. Matt was savagely tortured and murdered so you can understand why someone would picket his funeral for being gay, right? RAWK ON 1998.

Furby- You never had fun with a Furby doll. Don't lie to me. More importantly, don't lie to yourself. Furby was the ultimate consumer trap in 1990's America. Children wanted them, myself included, because they were adorable and they could talk to you. They could say their names, and even SAY YOUR NAME, but children are stupid and don't think anything through, which is why children don't exercise stock options or pay attention  to fiscal trends and become real estate moguls. Looking back I remember the struggle it was to get my dad to buy my sisters and I a Furby doll, and now here I am a full fledged young adult completely understanding why my dad's soul was crushed into dust when he finally caved. THE THING NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't know how my parents didn't impale it with a screw driver. You would feed it...it wants more food. You would pick it up, and play with it and pet it.....it wants more attention. It was like a fat alcoholic baby, the only difference is Furby could never die if you neglected it. It would just keep talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. It was almost like being married to a woman. Where's the fun in that?

Roller Blades- Just look at these fucking people

EEEK

Cmonnnnnnnn man

People in California think this is fun

That poor child

This one isn't a surprise

Steroids in baseball- What am I talking about? Bring back the homerun ball bitch! I want to see David Wright hit 113 homeruns next season. Hit the weights homeboy.

I'm working on getting the podcast up in the next week. Tell your friends all about this so I can pull in checks at some point. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram- @Mikecoscarelli

PEACE!