EVERYTHING DRAKE DOES IS HILARIOUS

       All of you know who Drake is. He's super famous and white women loveeeee him.  I actually respect him a little bit. I like a lot of his music. "Take Care" was a pretty good album. With that aside, the thing I like about him is that people (black people) talk maddddddddd shit about this kid and how soft he is and he still keeps putting out "oooooohhhhh yea, what's happening baby baby?" songs regardless. However, he is like a ticking time bomb of rapper schizophrenia. You can't keep a fucking finger under where he's going. Just look at the list of strange personality changes. "Marvin's Room" is about a drunk phone call to a girl that just clearly doesn't love the Drake (Seinfeld, holla back),  then he has a verse on "Fuckin' Problems", and a verse on "No Lie" about popping pistols, like that would ever happen ever, and every other song is about starting out as a goose egg and making enough money to buy a bunch of chains. Drake let's call it spade to spade here my dude. You seem like a good guy. You probably love your momma, which is nice, but you're not dangerous. There's nothing wrong with not being dangerous. I'm not dangerous. I'm a quarter jewish, and you're ACTUALLY jewish. So what does that say about your level of intimidation? You're a pair of glasses and a bath away from being Woody Allen.
       Drake's level of goofiness is astounding. There's never been a rapper so uncool in the history of rap music. He's like that guy that totally wants to be accepted by his peers so badly he can fool them when he's in their company, but once he's on his own there is no hiding the secretive "Doctor Who" fan underneath that nappy hair. Why don't we examine Drake's timeline of goofiness?

His first exposure was as wheel chair Jimmy on Degrassi- I feel like I don't have to say much about this. His character gets shot and then bound to a wheel chair, despite Canada's strangely effective gun control laws (cough, cough).  So essentially children love him because they grew up with him as this adorable, half a koala bear looking paraplegic on TV.

He reps TORONTO hard as hell for some reason- Stumped on this one. Any chance you could make yourself sound like you came from an easier city? Look at the stats of places tough rappers have come from
Brooklyn- Biggy, Jay-Z, Papoose, Mos Def
Harlem- Max B, Jim Jones, Cam'ron, 50 Cent
Queens- Nas, Mobb Deep, Marley Marl (They are all from the same project building FYI)
Compton- Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Tupac, Ice Cube, The Game
Atlanta- Andre 3000, T.I., Young Jeezy

Nothing says blow shots like the suburbs. Once again I'm not knocking him for being from the suburbs (because so am I) or even for rapping. Just don't tell me you were clapping people up on your block when your block is full of hopscotch squares, and "Children at Play" signs.  You wanna rhyme about girl problems or getting drunk? Fine. I believe that. You're young and fairly attractive despite what a goofy idiot you are. I believe it, but when Biggy put out "Niggas Bleed", a horrifically gruesome first hand account of blowing people away and stealing money from a drug deal, I totally believe that shit happened, and if Big was still alive I would never be writing this shit about him out of honest fear that both my eyeballs may end up ripped out of my head and thrown on the tracks of the F train. The level of goofy gets amplified in these music videos though.

"Started From The Bottom" Music Video-  Just silly
'0:00 seconds- Right from the start this video is stupid. We open on an irrelevant shot of a little black kid playing soccer on a turf field that is never seen again.

':21'- Drake has obviously never heard the rule don't wear white after labor day, or the rule don't wear white, on white, on white, on white, on white ever because you look like a fucking idiot. It's snowing, why are you wearing an all white jumpsuit? Are you going on a secret undercover sniper mission at the North Pole that requires you to blend in to sub arctic environments without being detected? Also, are you that confident that the street your driving/dancing on is empty enough that people won't see what an asshole you look like?

':56'- Who is this Jew combing his straggly beard, rudely burying his face in this black girls tits? Who is he? Is he a comedian? Probably not because comedians are usually funny (not always though, see Mike Coscarelli). Also why did they stop the entire video so this guy can do this intensely uncomfortable bit about medicated lip balm. Then he said dog, actually it's probably dawg, I don't know because I've never had to type it out in English before because it's not a word and stupid to ever try to say if you're a straggly bearded, white Canadian Jew. THEN someone handed him the phone and he called his girlfriend Laquisha, because that joke about black girls names isn't old as fuck at this point. Has anyone EVER met a black girl named Laquisha? I haven't. I've met a shit load of black girls named Ashley though. Why can't her name be Ashley? I know like 22 black girls named Ashley. Any way, this guy got a check for this stupid video and I didn't so whatever I guess.

'2:04'- "WE MADE IT NIGGA, NIGHT MANAGER. GET THE CONFETTI!"

'2:15'- Nice to see that Drizzy made enough cash to take Toronto cosmic bowling at the local Brunswick Lanes. Sounds like a rockstar to me.

'2;51'- How did you get all the way up on that billboard Drake? More importantly, why the hell would you ever want to climb all the way up to the top of a billboard by yourself in the Toronto winter to trot emphatically to and fro on the metal wiring?

'3:11'- Do not touch that goddamned button Drake.

'4:12'- That appears to be a Dominican flag Drake is waving, despite not being even a fraction of a percent Dominican, or from the Bronx (shout out to Mero. Bronx, b)

'4:18'- Another Jew with a shaved head

'5:12'- The credits pop up and we see that Drake had a hand in directing the video, and now it all sort of makes sense.

"Headlines" Music Video- Less silly, but still pretty fucking silly.

'0:00 Seconds'- Once again, our opening shot is just ridiculous. That's Drizzy standing on the infield of the Skydome. The Skydome is where the Toronto Blue Jays play. People in Canada don't know this because they don't care about baseball and that team should be moved somewhere into the states instead of making the Yankees go an extra 4 hours north past Boston on road trips.

':14'- He's wearing wide receiver gloves, like Lil Wayne is about to tell him to "go long" at any moment. Also he's in front of a church. I've never seen two physical properties of mass be so counter intuitive to one another in my life.

'1:27-1:54'- ..........This is nearly 30 seconds of footage of Drake riding up and down in an elevator.  It's like Director X (who shoots all of these shitty MMG and Young Money music videos) ran out of ideas for the video and was just like "Fuck it Drizzy, get in the elevator, b. It's the best we're going to be able to do"

The rest of the video is standard rap bullshit. Cigars and black sweatshirts and what not.

 

"HYFR" Music Video- Where do I even begin?

':03'- A text slide pops on the screen telling us about Drake's Bar Mitzvah. The next slide tells us that he recommitted to the Hebrew faith.....Yea, so?

':13'- ...............Oh, that's why. The music video is a video account of DRAKE'S ADULT BAR MITZVAH. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This song is an acronym for Hell Yea, Fucking Right, and the lyrics are about women swallowing semen. How on earth can this video be about a Bar Mitzvah?

':17'- Drake and 6 of the most Jewish motherfuckers I've ever seen in my life (and I grew up taking weekend trips to downtown Brooklyn, mind you) are just standing in front of a synagogue, ready for "shit to go down". I wonder which one of them handles Drake's books.

':44'- Despite being Muslim, DJ Khaled made it out to the ceremony and wore his finest green sweatshirt to the synagogue (nice of him)

'1:00'- Fatso made a wardrobe change to the much more appropriate red and white varsity jacket, despite being a grown man and not on any varsity teams, not even golf which seems like an easy one to letter in.

'1:24'- Oh my god that fucking cake.

'1:30'- Lil Wayne was so bored that he fell asleep, which sounds about right for most Bar Mitzvahs I've been to, but the gift bags are usually good.

'1:36'- The hora actually made the final cut of the video, and he had to get all the Jews from the beginning of the video to lift him in the chair because black peoplehave no clue what the hora is.

'1:49'- YO FUCK THIS CAKE, B. IT'S MY BAR MITZVAH. GET CRAZY.

'Lil Wayne in general'- He just irks me. He always looks like he dressed in clothes he found somewhere in the dumpster of goodwill, the dumpster. The shit that goodwill deemed un wearable for homeless people is what Weezy is wearing.

'2:49'- The return of this asshole with the beard, who once again received a check for being off putting in a music video.

Like I said, I'm not mad at Drake he's just a hilariously easy target with all the stupid shit that he thinks is cool. Also, put me in one of your videos dude. I can do nothing way batter than that shmuck with the beard.

Keep spreading this thing around, and listening to the Podcast.........I really need some advertising money. I'd LOL but my life is pretty fucked up and sad. Any way, I'll be doing standup at Karl's Klipper in Staten Island on April 4th, so come out and give me money.

PEACE

PODCAST EPISODE 3- MARY HOULIHAN

WHATTTTUP? Episode 3 is now up on mixcloud and it features my buddy, improv actor/standup comic/amateur warlock, Mary Houlihan. Listen to it right here. New writing coming this weekend.

http://www.mixcloud.com/WHITEPEOPLECANTDANCE/white-people-cant-dance-ep-3-mary-houlihan/

PEACE

PODCAST EPISODE 2- THE KID MERO

HERE IT IS EPISODE 2 OF THE PODCAST FEATURING  The Kid Mero. WE'RE ON MIXCLOUD NOW SO FOLLOW US. CATCH IT RIGHT HERE

http://www.mixcloud.com/WHITEPEOPLECANTDANCE/white-people-cant-dance-episode-2-the-kid-mero/

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, THE SHIT OF MY GENERATION

       Really look at this title hard. If you thought I meant this as slander you are way way way wrong. Being the shit is a good thing, and JT is covered in it. I think it's about time I wrote something positive on this thing, and with JT's album "The 20/20 Experience" hitting the shelves today, I figure this is a good place to start. I wanted to buy this album on Itunes as soon as I woke up this morning, but my goddamned sister spent all of my Itunes cash on books because she wants to "enrich her mind". It's 10 AM and I'm ANGRY that I don't have it yet. All signs point to this being the album of the year, and album reviews are talking about this maybe being one of the all time great pop albums, and frankly, I don't doubt it.
     In a way I want to say fuck Justin. Fuck him because his talent goes beyond a level that can be contained, and as a "performer" myself, it makes me sad to see someone this good enter his prime and realize that I'll never be near his radar in my lifetime.  He's incredible man, plain and simple, and he's fucking hot. I would swing for the other side if I was propositioned by Justin, shit. I'm not afraid to admit that, and if you're a guy and you can't admit that, you have self esteem issues and you should go see a therapist. He's the coolest man alive. Frankly I don't think he's actually particularly THAT funny, and a lot of people (mostly girls) would argue that with me, but the fact that he puts the effort in says something about his personality. He loves his fans, he seems to treat people well, and he loves performing. Watch the SNL performance of "Suit and Tie" and tell me you know another person who can pull off a performance like that in this day and age.
      He's so cool that chances are when Jay-Z got the phone call about collaborating, he threw on 19 gold chains and ran out the door to his insane swiss luxury car that we're all probably too poor to know even exists, and flew down the West Side Highway to whatever secret underground recording studio built underneath Battery Park. Just look at these two. Jay-Z used to sell heroine on Flatbush Avenue and shoot people in the face. Now he's making shadow hand puppets at the Golden Globes because Justin wore a maroon bow tie, and it's allllllll good.

    This album is going to be great, one of the greatest and most memorable of ALL TIME, and hardcore music heads might argue it, but they're wrong. I can think of several friends of mine that would argue that this isn't going to be a "Born to Run", or a "Let It Be", but it doesn't have to be. Trying to top The Beatles will not make your album good, in fact that usually backfires. Overproduced music can be shockingly bad. No one can touch The Beatles, because they're The Beatles, stupid. The thing that makes JT different musically is that he does JT. He's not going to pick up a guitar and send chills down your spine with ice cold riffs. He's not jumping on stage and kicking 16 bars, and he's not going to start singing helpless folk songs. He makes pop songs, he just does it better than anyone else and just because he's not going to make an album with ambient Brian Eno strings does not mean his album can't be memorable musically.
  As an overall performer in this generation he's on his own. He's hosted SNL 5 times now, he does movies, talk shows, and live musical performances. He's a rat packer. He's Dino, he's Frank, he's Sammy Davis Jr. It's the only class he can be put in. He's a throwback entertainer who does it all and does most of it pretty well, even though "Friends With Benefits" was the worst piece of shit ever made. Frank and the boys did some bad fucking movies too though (The Cannon Ball Run II...they were all in that) so he gets some slack.
    Look folks, I know this is way out of character for me but I feel like I need to give some dap to some people who deserve it if I'm going to keep slinging shit at people, and if anyone deserves it, it's JT. Today is his day, and I hope he hits a homerun. Also the next post goes pretttttttttty fucking hard on the other Justin, Mr. Bieber, so bare with me on this one while a give a salute to a man who helped mold my childhood. You will have your blood tomorrow.

New Podcast drops Friday with The Kid Mero. Subscribe to me on Soundcloud and the blog.

Twitter-@mikecoscarelli
Instagram- @mikecoscarelli

Make love, not actual inventions
PEACE
  

PODCAST EPISODE 1: TONY DECRISTOFARO

Devoted White heads ( that's your new nickname dickheads, read it and weep). The first episode of the White People Can't Dance podcast is finally up for download on Soundcloud, you can download it right Here. If you're on Soundcloud, hit that follow button. Episode 2 will be up sometime at the end of the week, and features The Kid Mero. I'll have more writing coming this week too because I'm back in school after a week off and would much rather be doing this, than that shit.

PEACE 

PODCAST PROMO

Check the first promo for the podcast which you can download on Itunes starting this Monday, March 18th
VIDEO

LOLZ TO WOMEN IN SPORTS

     Hola amigos (That's Spanish, or Espanol as the French say).  Despite prepping this pain in the ass podcast that is becoming a fucking head ache, and trying to graduate college, I find time to shower you all with knowledge.  Hope you're all doing well, even though only two of you motherfuckers subscribed to this thing so far. Let's get that number up (Gimme checks). 
      In any case, I've been following the news a little more than usual lately, and I keep seeing a fairly common trend in the topics. Women's sports, or women in sports in general, is in my face right now like I owe it money. There's tons of stories happening right now. Danica Patrick won some fucking who gives a shit Nascar event,  Brittany Griner might be (is probably) a boy, but the funniest story BY FAR is this one.

      Let me give you a quick synopsis in case you're not into reading actual hard news. The NFL held a regional scouting combine for the upcoming draft, in my hood, Florham Park, Dirty Jers. Lauren Silberman, an ex female soccer player, showed up and registered to workout as a kicker. Apparently this girl was talking MAD shit to the NFL Network about how she could kick a ball 60+ yards. She was the first female to ever register for these scouting combines, and you're about to find out why. Silberman stepped onto the field with her hollow, peppermint bones to attempt her first kick. She drops the ball, swings her leg back and POW, she tears her quadricep and the kick goes a measly 19 yards. You could put a football in your mouth and spit it farther than 19 yards. She tries a second time to kick the ball, and it sputters through the air 13 yards. What does this prove? Two things. There is a god, and he sure as shit doesn't want women stepping on the football field.
      First off, picture this scenario in your head (even if you're a woman) and tell me this isn't hilarious. You're a liar if you think otherwise. For all the things men say about women trying to play football, or do anything in sports, to see this happen is just too sweet. Of all the scenarios in the world that could have happened this is the one that hits reality. A woman running her mouth like the fastest fucking gun in the west about how she's going to run things at this combine just completely eating shit in front of the people she was gumming at. What happened to 60+ yards Lauren? I'm sorry you, were too busy injuring yourself by swinging your leg in a pendulum motion one time, a motion that everyday people have to do if their car is parked too far from the curb. Also, lets assume this girl actually wasn't completely full of shit and could kick this ball 60+ yards like she said, then what? No matter what, if this girl is on any sort of kickoff team, she'll have to run down field and try to make a tackle. That means she'll be running with NFL athletes on the same playing field, and their mission is to strictly make people swallow their own teeth. This girl would take two steps after the kickoff before Ray Rice crack blocks her into the 4th row of the stands, and she has to order a new ribcage from Overstock.com. The jury is not still out on this ladies, you cannot play sports with us. That's the deal. We're not trying to be mean, we're trying to help you and nurture your emotions, and protect your central nervous system. You would die if you tried to play professional football, and not like "oh you would just dieeeeeeeeeee if you played pro football".  You would literally be erased from this plain of existence, no questions asked.
    Ladies please don't get this twisted, you can still play sports if you really want to, just by yourselves in the summer time when we all have better things to do than watch you, kind of like the WNBA. I always get a nice chuckle when ESPN gets precocious enough to put these highlights up when too many MLB teams have the day off. Consider that your bone ladies. People watch basketball to see giant ape like men throw treacherous slam dunks over each others heads. We do not watch it to see perfectly executed fundamentals and lopsided, dilapidated "titties" bounce up and down the court. If you can even find a woman who watches the WNBA I'll be amazed. It's like black people and Kwanza. You know it's specific to one race of people, but you can't actually find someone that celebrates it.  Below is a break down, sport by sport, on why women cannot be playing sports with men.

Football- Dunno how I can make this one more obvious than the description I gave before. It's cute when a girl in highschool wants to play football because it's a little more possible. There are a lot of pussys playing football at the highschool level. Shit, even I played highschool football (and frankly I probably couldn't even have tackled a girl at 16, certainly not in the bedroom at least).  There's a chance a female could survive a highschool football game, but the NFL is packed to the gills with 300 pound murderers and rapists. Ray Lewis legitimately killed somebody with a shotgun. These dudes are blood thirsty. A 122 pound woman stands 0 chance in the arena of bloodsport with these heathen demigods.

Basketball- I mean you can play with us, but you're going to look stupid. You're taking two astronomical athletic mismatches and putting them on a basketball court together. Lebron James is 6'9 240 pounds with 0 percent body fat. He could jump over the tallest player in the WNBA without a running start and throw down the tomohawk, then dangle off the rim and tea bag Candace Parker's face with his monster dong that is probably the size of certain trees in the North East. Women are safe to play in the NBA, they just wouldn't be good enough to play on any team.  This I why I love the Brittany Griner argument. The question is, since she is androgynous, should she have to play with the boys? The answer of course is no, because she would be riding pine for the whole season. She would be riding pine on Monmouth University's bench. Let whatever it is dominate the women's game until next year when it graduates and fades into obscurity.

Hockey- Let's get serious here. Is there really a question why women can't play a sport with men where fighting is not only allowed, but condoned and promoted? Men can't hit women, so are we going to make a special rule that nulls the law on the grounds of hockey? Na, not likely.

Baseball- To be fair this is probably the only sport that ladies could hang with us in. There's no physical contact, no fist fighting, and little to no murderers or rapists (except for the Venezuelans).  You'd have to be the most bomb ass shortstop to play in the majors, but you could do it. Lay down some bunts, steal some bases and work on your fielding. You may have a shot.

Soccer- LOLZ, Europe

If you're in Jersey, I'm doing standup at The Dublin House in Red Bank on Thursday. The Podcast will be up in 2 weeks, I promise. SUBSCRIBE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO SUBSCRIBE. Hit my Twitter and Instagram @Mikecoscarelli

Peace Yall