In any case, I've been following the news a little more than usual lately, and I keep seeing a fairly common trend in the topics. Women's sports, or women in sports in general, is in my face right now like I owe it money. There's tons of stories happening right now. Danica Patrick won some fucking who gives a shit Nascar event, Brittany Griner might be (is probably) a boy, but the funniest story BY FAR is this one.
First off, picture this scenario in your head (even if you're a woman) and tell me this isn't hilarious. You're a liar if you think otherwise. For all the things men say about women trying to play football, or do anything in sports, to see this happen is just too sweet. Of all the scenarios in the world that could have happened this is the one that hits reality. A woman running her mouth like the fastest fucking gun in the west about how she's going to run things at this combine just completely eating shit in front of the people she was gumming at. What happened to 60+ yards Lauren? I'm sorry you, were too busy injuring yourself by swinging your leg in a pendulum motion one time, a motion that everyday people have to do if their car is parked too far from the curb. Also, lets assume this girl actually wasn't completely full of shit and could kick this ball 60+ yards like she said, then what? No matter what, if this girl is on any sort of kickoff team, she'll have to run down field and try to make a tackle. That means she'll be running with NFL athletes on the same playing field, and their mission is to strictly make people swallow their own teeth. This girl would take two steps after the kickoff before Ray Rice crack blocks her into the 4th row of the stands, and she has to order a new ribcage from Overstock.com. The jury is not still out on this ladies, you cannot play sports with us. That's the deal. We're not trying to be mean, we're trying to help you and nurture your emotions, and protect your central nervous system. You would die if you tried to play professional football, and not like "oh you would just dieeeeeeeeeee if you played pro football". You would literally be erased from this plain of existence, no questions asked.
Ladies please don't get this twisted, you can still play sports if you really want to, just by yourselves in the summer time when we all have better things to do than watch you, kind of like the WNBA. I always get a nice chuckle when ESPN gets precocious enough to put these highlights up when too many MLB teams have the day off. Consider that your bone ladies. People watch basketball to see giant ape like men throw treacherous slam dunks over each others heads. We do not watch it to see perfectly executed fundamentals and lopsided, dilapidated "titties" bounce up and down the court. If you can even find a woman who watches the WNBA I'll be amazed. It's like black people and Kwanza. You know it's specific to one race of people, but you can't actually find someone that celebrates it. Below is a break down, sport by sport, on why women cannot be playing sports with men.
Football- Dunno how I can make this one more obvious than the description I gave before. It's cute when a girl in highschool wants to play football because it's a little more possible. There are a lot of pussys playing football at the highschool level. Shit, even I played highschool football (and frankly I probably couldn't even have tackled a girl at 16, certainly not in the bedroom at least). There's a chance a female could survive a highschool football game, but the NFL is packed to the gills with 300 pound murderers and rapists. Ray Lewis legitimately killed somebody with a shotgun. These dudes are blood thirsty. A 122 pound woman stands 0 chance in the arena of bloodsport with these heathen demigods.
Basketball- I mean you can play with us, but you're going to look stupid. You're taking two astronomical athletic mismatches and putting them on a basketball court together. Lebron James is 6'9 240 pounds with 0 percent body fat. He could jump over the tallest player in the WNBA without a running start and throw down the tomohawk, then dangle off the rim and tea bag Candace Parker's face with his monster dong that is probably the size of certain trees in the North East. Women are safe to play in the NBA, they just wouldn't be good enough to play on any team. This I why I love the Brittany Griner argument. The question is, since she is androgynous, should she have to play with the boys? The answer of course is no, because she would be riding pine for the whole season. She would be riding pine on Monmouth University's bench. Let whatever it is dominate the women's game until next year when it graduates and fades into obscurity.
Hockey- Let's get serious here. Is there really a question why women can't play a sport with men where fighting is not only allowed, but condoned and promoted? Men can't hit women, so are we going to make a special rule that nulls the law on the grounds of hockey? Na, not likely.
Baseball- To be fair this is probably the only sport that ladies could hang with us in. There's no physical contact, no fist fighting, and little to no murderers or rapists (except for the Venezuelans). You'd have to be the most bomb ass shortstop to play in the majors, but you could do it. Lay down some bunts, steal some bases and work on your fielding. You may have a shot.
Soccer- LOLZ, Europe
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Peace Yall
I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID ALL WOMEN SHOULD JUST BLOW US
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