Drake's level of goofiness is astounding. There's never been a rapper so uncool in the history of rap music. He's like that guy that totally wants to be accepted by his peers so badly he can fool them when he's in their company, but once he's on his own there is no hiding the secretive "Doctor Who" fan underneath that nappy hair. Why don't we examine Drake's timeline of goofiness?
His first exposure was as wheel chair Jimmy on Degrassi- I feel like I don't have to say much about this. His character gets shot and then bound to a wheel chair, despite Canada's strangely effective gun control laws (cough, cough). So essentially children love him because they grew up with him as this adorable, half a koala bear looking paraplegic on TV.
He reps TORONTO hard as hell for some reason- Stumped on this one. Any chance you could make yourself sound like you came from an easier city? Look at the stats of places tough rappers have come from
Brooklyn- Biggy, Jay-Z, Papoose, Mos Def
Harlem- Max B, Jim Jones, Cam'ron, 50 Cent
Queens- Nas, Mobb Deep, Marley Marl (They are all from the same project building FYI)
Compton- Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Tupac, Ice Cube, The Game
Atlanta- Andre 3000, T.I., Young Jeezy
Nothing says blow shots like the suburbs. Once again I'm not knocking him for being from the suburbs (because so am I) or even for rapping. Just don't tell me you were clapping people up on your block when your block is full of hopscotch squares, and "Children at Play" signs. You wanna rhyme about girl problems or getting drunk? Fine. I believe that. You're young and fairly attractive despite what a goofy idiot you are. I believe it, but when Biggy put out "Niggas Bleed", a horrifically gruesome first hand account of blowing people away and stealing money from a drug deal, I totally believe that shit happened, and if Big was still alive I would never be writing this shit about him out of honest fear that both my eyeballs may end up ripped out of my head and thrown on the tracks of the F train. The level of goofy gets amplified in these music videos though.
"Started From The Bottom" Music Video- Just silly
'0:00 seconds- Right from the start this video is stupid. We open on an irrelevant shot of a little black kid playing soccer on a turf field that is never seen again.
':21'- Drake has obviously never heard the rule don't wear white after labor day, or the rule don't wear white, on white, on white, on white, on white ever because you look like a fucking idiot. It's snowing, why are you wearing an all white jumpsuit? Are you going on a secret undercover sniper mission at the North Pole that requires you to blend in to sub arctic environments without being detected? Also, are you that confident that the street your driving/dancing on is empty enough that people won't see what an asshole you look like?
':56'- Who is this Jew combing his straggly beard, rudely burying his face in this black girls tits? Who is he? Is he a comedian? Probably not because comedians are usually funny (not always though, see Mike Coscarelli). Also why did they stop the entire video so this guy can do this intensely uncomfortable bit about medicated lip balm. Then he said dog, actually it's probably dawg, I don't know because I've never had to type it out in English before because it's not a word and stupid to ever try to say if you're a straggly bearded, white Canadian Jew. THEN someone handed him the phone and he called his girlfriend Laquisha, because that joke about black girls names isn't old as fuck at this point. Has anyone EVER met a black girl named Laquisha? I haven't. I've met a shit load of black girls named Ashley though. Why can't her name be Ashley? I know like 22 black girls named Ashley. Any way, this guy got a check for this stupid video and I didn't so whatever I guess.
'2:04'- "WE MADE IT NIGGA, NIGHT MANAGER. GET THE CONFETTI!"
'2:15'- Nice to see that Drizzy made enough cash to take Toronto cosmic bowling at the local Brunswick Lanes. Sounds like a rockstar to me.
'2;51'- How did you get all the way up on that billboard Drake? More importantly, why the hell would you ever want to climb all the way up to the top of a billboard by yourself in the Toronto winter to trot emphatically to and fro on the metal wiring?
'3:11'- Do not touch that goddamned button Drake.
'4:12'- That appears to be a Dominican flag Drake is waving, despite not being even a fraction of a percent Dominican, or from the Bronx (shout out to Mero. Bronx, b)
'4:18'- Another Jew with a shaved head
'5:12'- The credits pop up and we see that Drake had a hand in directing the video, and now it all sort of makes sense.
"Headlines" Music Video- Less silly, but still pretty fucking silly.
'0:00 Seconds'- Once again, our opening shot is just ridiculous. That's Drizzy standing on the infield of the Skydome. The Skydome is where the Toronto Blue Jays play. People in Canada don't know this because they don't care about baseball and that team should be moved somewhere into the states instead of making the Yankees go an extra 4 hours north past Boston on road trips.
':14'- He's wearing wide receiver gloves, like Lil Wayne is about to tell him to "go long" at any moment. Also he's in front of a church. I've never seen two physical properties of mass be so counter intuitive to one another in my life.
'1:27-1:54'- ..........This is nearly 30 seconds of footage of Drake riding up and down in an elevator. It's like Director X (who shoots all of these shitty MMG and Young Money music videos) ran out of ideas for the video and was just like "Fuck it Drizzy, get in the elevator, b. It's the best we're going to be able to do"
The rest of the video is standard rap bullshit. Cigars and black sweatshirts and what not.
"HYFR" Music Video- Where do I even begin?
':03'- A text slide pops on the screen telling us about Drake's Bar Mitzvah. The next slide tells us that he recommitted to the Hebrew faith.....Yea, so?
':13'- ...............Oh, that's why. The music video is a video account of DRAKE'S ADULT BAR MITZVAH. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This song is an acronym for Hell Yea, Fucking Right, and the lyrics are about women swallowing semen. How on earth can this video be about a Bar Mitzvah?
':17'- Drake and 6 of the most Jewish motherfuckers I've ever seen in my life (and I grew up taking weekend trips to downtown Brooklyn, mind you) are just standing in front of a synagogue, ready for "shit to go down". I wonder which one of them handles Drake's books.
':44'- Despite being Muslim, DJ Khaled made it out to the ceremony and wore his finest green sweatshirt to the synagogue (nice of him)
'1:00'- Fatso made a wardrobe change to the much more appropriate red and white varsity jacket, despite being a grown man and not on any varsity teams, not even golf which seems like an easy one to letter in.
'1:24'- Oh my god that fucking cake.
'1:30'- Lil Wayne was so bored that he fell asleep, which sounds about right for most Bar Mitzvahs I've been to, but the gift bags are usually good.
'1:36'- The hora actually made the final cut of the video, and he had to get all the Jews from the beginning of the video to lift him in the chair because black peoplehave no clue what the hora is.
'1:49'- YO FUCK THIS CAKE, B. IT'S MY BAR MITZVAH. GET CRAZY.
'Lil Wayne in general'- He just irks me. He always looks like he dressed in clothes he found somewhere in the dumpster of goodwill, the dumpster. The shit that goodwill deemed un wearable for homeless people is what Weezy is wearing.
'2:49'- The return of this asshole with the beard, who once again received a check for being off putting in a music video.
Like I said, I'm not mad at Drake he's just a hilariously easy target with all the stupid shit that he thinks is cool. Also, put me in one of your videos dude. I can do nothing way batter than that shmuck with the beard.
Keep spreading this thing around, and listening to the Podcast.........I really need some advertising money. I'd LOL but my life is pretty fucked up and sad. Any way, I'll be doing standup at Karl's Klipper in Staten Island on April 4th, so come out and give me money.
PEACE
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