MILEY CYRUS IS HAVING THE MOST UNCOOL IDENTITY CRISIS EVER

     

       So this weekend was the MTV VMAs (Video Music Awards. Awards given to artists for their music videos by a television network that has nothing to do with music.) This thing was a shit show if you didn't see it. First off, MTV hosted this thing at the Barclays Center, officially wiping any credibility Brooklyn still had as a tough city right off the fucking map. In Marine Park in the 70's, my mother had to wrap bicycle chains around her hands when she would walk home from school just in case the Irish kids up the street were pissed off because their parents were alcoholics and wanted to pick a fight with a little Italian girls. Nowadays you go to Brooklyn if you're allergic to gluten but still want to find a bakery that makes fluffy cupcakes. What happened? Second off, MTV reunited NSYNC for 8 seconds which sparked arguments in my head all night about whether or not I think their music is good (spoiler alert, I think it stinks because I'm not 13 anymore) .  Third of all, and most importantly, MTV gave us an up close and personnel look at the most anxiety inducing performance of the decade, by the loudest voice of the most lackluster and dimwitted generation of Americans ever.

     Miley Cyrus was transported to the Barclays Center stage in a giant teddy bear (a reference I still do not understand, given her new....whatever she's doing) and emerged from it's womb, scantily clad in a plastic leotard. Listen though, I'm not going to explain the entire performance it's too exhausting, just peep it here until Viacom takes this video down. The only thing you really have to know is that Robin Thicke came out in a black peppermint suit form the 1960's and looked completely uninterested as Miley rubbed up on him in an effort to get #Thicke.

     Let me state my case right now before we dig deeper as we always do. I have no problem with what Miley is doing to her career and her hair and apparently her vagina. Frankly I don't really care. It's her mouth, she can say what she wants to. In fact, Noisy killed it again and ran a great post (that you can read here) that made a lot of good points in her defense. However, that is not going to stop me from slandering the shit out of her on the internet LOLZ.

    My big problem with her doing what she's doing is that she doesn't even look comfortable doing it. As "edgy" as her new image is, it in no way feels sincere. You can see it in the way she moves that there's a palpable awkwardness to just about every step she takes. Ma, how are we going to believe that you're a thirsty, lip licking deviant if all of your moves look rehearsed. It's like her family rallied together at this meeting in their giant ranch because they're so "country" (Mickey Mouse payed for that shit by the way) and her mother choreographed these "hot" moves she learned from Van Halen videos in 1984 into a step by step routine. You can see it when the performance starts at :18. It's like she forgets to stick her tongue out while she's walking down the stairs and then remembers that it's part of the routine (either that or she's too stupid to walk down stairs and stick her tongue out at the same time, which is possible). Then she continues to sensually stroke her pony tail, or at least the area of her head where a ponytail would be because apparently she forgot that she didn't have one, but had to get the move in so she didn't mess the routine up. This brings me to my second point.

     I don't understand why people are appalled by this. It's not appalling, it's just embarrassing. It's literally uncomfortable to watch no matter how old you are or what gender class you belong to. This is what corporate America has created. She's a cash cow and this isn't her own decision to do this shit, trust me. Someone in the Cyrus camp choked down the reality that this bitch just isn't that talented and now they're shoe horning her into a genre of music where you really don't have to be that talented to be successful, hip hop. All you need in hip hop is a dope beat and an attitude, but Miley doesn't actually have an attitude, someone just made one up for her and now we are all laughing (we are laughing at you, Miley). She's just a nerd, plain and simple. She has 0 natural sexual prowess, and I would put money down that she's never actually been penetrated because people who actually break a little piece off don't act like this, but you know who has had tons of sex? ROBIN MOTHERFUCKING THICKE who walked out on stage to go through the motions to get his paycheck (just look at how he walks, my man just got it like that).

    Who the FUCK thinks this is sexy or hot? There is not a man on this planet that isn't eeked out by this. Miley is the text book drunk girl at the bar. She's the type that takes shots and dances on tables, but that's not enough attention for her, so she finds other girls to make out with and tries to rub their titties and shit like that, which is fine these days. The problem is that guys don't want to be anywhere near those girls because they are fucking embarrassing, and if your mother knew you were hanging out with them she would be pretty, pretty, pretty pissed off that you lowered your standards this low in public. If she was a friend of a friend that you met simply by chance while socializing and she started acting like this in public you'd be like "What the fuck is this girl doing? Can you tell her to stop?"Even Robin Thicke looked completely disinterested when Miley, and her Neo-Nazi haircut started rubbing her vagina all over him. She wanted to be #Thicke, but she is sooooo not #Thicke.

I'm going to be in Staten Island tonight at 9 at The Full Cup so come see me, fam. Hit me up on Twitter and Facebook @mikecoscarelli.

PEACE

FREDDY MERCURY HAD A GIANT DICK AND COMMANDS YOUR RESPECT

         So yesterday I was paroozing the depths of Noisey.com (shout out to Noisey because their music coverage is superb) and I found this article. This is pretty fucking cool, I have to say. I've never been overly into Queen, or MJ (shut up and get your "why not?" shit out of my face. I don't have to like Queen or Michael Jackson) but I can get behind this because whatever album these duets come out on will crush on the charts and be 10 times better than Miley Cyrus and her cry for help. The story is funny because OF COURSE Michael Jackson brought a llama to the recording sessions because he was a fucking weirdo because his dad used to ram shoehorns up his asshole if he wanted a break from dance rehearsal. The main point of this is that I always had some respect for Freddy Mercury, he's a talented guy and made a mustache look as cool as someone could make a mustache look, but when Noisey posted this picture yesterday, the respect was elevated to the major league level.

     FREDDY MERCURY WAS STACKED BRO. Holy shit. It looks like he had been stuffing cereal bowls into his Levi's. I understand why his band was named Queen. Most people think it was because he was gay. Gay=Queen. Nope. His band was named Queen because no matter how silly his band name was he still wore leather jackets and had a bigger dick than you, so call a cab and head home cousin because you have no ammunition.

     How did I miss this? Were there signs that I missed when I was 12? Was there evidence?
Yep.

     BOOM

ELTON JOHN KNOWS

DARTH VADER DICK

LEOTARD DICK

     Holy mackerel. I wish I was around to hang out with him, he was probably the coolest guy. Guys with monster rods are always super cool because they have tons of confidence and nothing to prove. He would never like, try to challenge me to a foot race to see who the superior alfa male is like my uncle Sonny. Just a guy you could hang with. Maybe go to the gym and do some jumping jacks with, get a nice sweat going. I just would have liked to give him a high five. Game recognizing game, you know?

     So next time you breeze through Queen in your Itunes library, stop and listen to "Don't Stop Me Now", because Freddie could have fucked your mom, OR your dad. Respect.

THE TOKEN "MAGNA CARTA HOLY GRAIL" REVIEW BECAUSE I'M A WHITE PERSON WHO LIKES RAP

       So to start off, this has been a pretty big month for rap music by the numbers. Wale, J Cole, and Kanye moved some units. Problem is, I don't listen to J Cole because the only thing he raps about is graphic details of sexual encounters that just make me uncomfortable because I have sex with the lights off in complete silence, and Wale thinks he's Socrates. He's the only rapper I've ever heard that spends 2 minutes on every track before his beat kicks in to make a Dr. Seuss rhyme about monogamy, or whatever shit he's trying to sound profound talking about. He's like a walking musical Aesop Fable. So as far as I'm concerned, both of those guys suck. I had my hopes up for "Yeezus" because Kanye's child was born that week, and that was just marketing genius, meaning his album had to be good right? WRONG. Holy shit this thing was a heap of garbage. Just incoherent blabber from a man who clearly just has his head up his own ass at this point and has nothing left to say because he's rich, arrogant, and fucking crazy as cat shit.

      Needless to say I was pretty pissed off until I started seeing these Samsung commercials for Jay's new album. Jay+Rick Rubin+ Swizz Beats+ black and white filter= cool commercial. Then I started remembering that a lot of Jay's albums kind of suck (shoutout to "Kingdom Come") and I got nervous. I couldn't handle another let down, not after fucking "Yeezus" which I've embraced as the biggest musical disappointment of my life (because it sucked THAT badly). I was having panic attacks, guy. "WHAT IF TIMBALAND'S BEATS SOUND EXACTLY LIKE THOSE NELLY FURTADO BEATS?"......."WHAT IF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TRIES TO RAP ON HIS FEATURE?"......."WHAT IF NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE?" (That one has nothing to do with the album. My therapist and I are working it out, we'll get there). 

      I heard the album for the first time on Saturday night in my friend's car (shoutout to Ryan Cisek) because he has a Samsung S whatever it is, and I loved it. Unfortunately, I was drunk as hell, and when I'm drunk as hell I also love fat bitches, Hawaiian shirts, and sandwiches deep fried in sandwiches.  Clearly I had to give it another, un-beer-biased listen, and I did.

     THE VERDICT--------Better than fucking "Yeezus".

    No shit this thing was going to be better than "Yeezus", I just can't get over how pissed off I still am at Kanye for thinking this thing was good and releasing it to the public.

   In all honesty, I do really like "Magna Carta Holy Grail". I'd put it in the top 3 and I'm going to get fucking reamed out for my opinion for this, but hear me out.  "Reasonable Doubt" is obviously his best, and I think, "The Black Album" is number 2. Yes. I think "The Black Album" is better than "Blueprint". "Blue Print" is still bad ass but "The Black Album" is just splattered with Just Blaze and Kanye in their hay day and that goes a long way for me. This album is his best in the last 10 years, hands down. The reason why I think it's so good is that Jay is acting his age. He's not rapping about moving weight anymore, or guns, or (insert rap stereotype here). The argument is that that content makes lyrics more interesting, but if you're not really doing it, isn't it worse to pretend? Wouldn't we be more mad if Jay was rhyming about how he's still out in streets when we fucking know he's a business man with an office and a daughter now? That shit would be ridiculous. He's 43. He's an adult, he shouldn't be making dance tracks anymore, he shouldn't be rapping about dew rags anymore. He's a rich middle aged dude, and that's what he's giving you. I'm a fan of honesty, and that's exactly what I got from the album.

  The good thing about being Jay-Z is that your boys bring their A-game when you're putting an album together. Pharrell, Timbaland, Swizz Beats throw some wild beats on this thing. People are talking reckless about "BBC" and they say it's a weak beat but I think that's bullshit. I also think Nas bodies the track and it makes me happy seeing him on anyone's albums because I still believe he's the best rapper alive. My favorite thing about Jay-Z though, is his sheer power and influence. He reminds the whole world that he's above the current trends, condemning them, kind of. He goes after Miley Cyrus (aka Nazi haircut) and her stupid obsession with twerking, and the use of molly in "Tom Ford", because once again, he's 43. If he was taking club drugs that'd be pretty fucking pathetic, and I know that I started this thought with his power and influence, so I'll tie it back in right now, but I need a new paragraph, guy.

  He's the top of the food chain, and sets the trends instead of trying to fall in line with the rap cliches. Nothing about turning up, nothing about molly, or lean, or racks....unless he's making fun of it. I honestly think you're going to see some hip hop trends die out a little bit because Jay makes them sound silly on the album. Don't believe me? Remember when T-Pain had "beef" with Jay because of the autotune craze that was happening in hip hop at the time? Well it happened. Then Jay released "DOA" (Death of Autotune) in 2009 when "Blue Print 3" came out, and I haven't heard a peep from T-Pain since then. He ended a man's CAREER with one song. I mean I'm sure T-Pain is still playing colleges and shit like that, but shawty isn't snappin' the way he used to be.

Anyway, I'm buying this thing when I get paid Monday, and it's worth the listen for sure, so check it out. Let me know what you think, hit me up on Twitter and Instagram- @mikecoscarelli, and like the Facebook page. The podcast hiatus is over, and I got new episodes coming for you guys next week, and HIT THAT FOLLOW BUTTON.

PEACE OUT
 

THE DAY THE BLOG GOT POLITICAL

      Happy 4th yall. Hope you're funneling some sort of alcohol sucking down a few Sabrett's. As you can see by the title I'm shifting gears for a moment. We all knew this day was coming, let's be real. I talk way too much shit about young Hollywood, and the music business to not weigh in on the disgusting behavior of regular human beings, and June has been a big month for that. Before I start with the slander, you need to know my political views. I consider myself a middle-ist (just made this shit up right now, holla back). I make my efforts to see every situation as rationally as possible. I'm conservative sometimes. I'm liberal other times. For example, I go heavy for gay rights because c'mon man, it's really none of my business who is sucking what. On the flip side of that, people on welfare gotta go out and try to find a job because my taxes are paying for their 6 oz carton of chocolate milk. See what I'm saying? So here we go. The first political opinion of my "journalistic career." So can I get a drum roll? Please? No? Because it's a blog? Gotcha.

     Edward Snowden is a rotten, scumbag traitor. Holy shit I cannot believe that this is happening right now. This is possibly the biggest scandal of my life thus far. You can argue Clinton...I guess. Let's be real though, the Clinton thing always just circles back to the fact that the most powerful man in the world got his dick sucked by an intern at work, because he's the most powerful man in the world and he should be able to get his dick sucked by an intern at work. Doesn't seem like such a big deal to me seeing as how Henry VII be-headed 3 of his wives and started his own religion. When you really compare the two, Clinton's rub and tug seems pretty microscopic.

     The facts of this shit storm are still bubbling to the surface because all the 24 hour news networks are having a giant bukaki over the juiciness of the story and forgetting to bring credible news to the airwaves. The basics of what I've been able to gather from all this is that this shifty eyed muppet spilled the beans on standard US, and UK security practices. The information that he turned over to the press was about 3 major NSA surveillance programs, PRISM, MAINWAY, and Boundless Informant. The overview of these programs was that the government was asking Verizon and AT&T and all these other phone companies for phone records. Not transcripts. Just records. Like when you get your phone bill and you can see who you called at what time..... basically the NSA had our phone bills. I could call prostitutes for regular appointments, but if you look at my monthly statement, unless the number is 1-800-NIPPLES (that's 1---800-N-I-P-P-L-E-S) you would have no clue who I was calling. The only time the government would be able to tap your phone, and this is information that has been submitted into grand juries and written into law, is with a warrant. Basically, if you're calling certain area codes too often that look out of the ordinary, the NSA would go get a warrant and tap your phone to make sure nothing fishy is going on.

    First of all.....so what? Didn't we kind of have an idea this was happening in the first place? Haven't the vast technological advances since 9/11 been paramount in stopping and containing these goddamned terror attacks? There are cameras all over Times Square, CAMERAS. You want to bitch about that too? There are people literally keeping tight surveillance on 9 blocks in New York City watching every single fart blown from 41st street to 50th street in between 7th and 8th Avenue. Aren't cameras worse? They can actually see you and what your shitty face looks like, but obviously you're not going to complain because the NYPD busted a guy with a bomb in his car in 2010 and we averted a devastating crisis that would have killed tons of people. The same thing happened in Boston (shout out to Boston) with these scumbags who bombed the marathon. They had an ID on them in a day and a half. We don't complain about that because it's a good idea that keeps people safe in a world that is just soup to nuts fucking crazy.

     Hippies and radical libs are calling this guy a hero, further proving how stupid hippies are. In their granola, candyland minds, the world needs more hugs and scented jasmine tea and life is just one big drum circle, and if we're lucky maybe Sting (I call him Stink, because he stinks) will sit in and throw some good vibes our way. I got news for you cousin, as cute as all that shit sounds and as ideologically sincere those ideas might be, people want to blow us the fuck up. We no longer live in a time where we can just give people the benefit of the doubt.  Dudes are walking into airports with plastic explosives in their jockeys. Obviously they shouldn't do that because it harshes our buzz bruh, but they do, so we have to put cameras next to the Roxy Delicatessen and keep an eye on people's phone bills.

    The other side of the argument seems to be coming more from the right. Some people on the left are bringing this up also, so I won't leave them out, but apparently people are talking reckless amounts of shit about the government and the administration. Bush did the same shit, first off, and if you don't think he did, you're crazy. Kennedy, and Lincoln, and FDR would have done the same thing if they had a heavy threat cloaked in invisibility like we do right now. (The irony of this is that Kennedy and Lincoln were shot in the fucking face by civilians that could have been eavesdropped on in 2013.) These are the drawbacks of living in a nation that is a super power, and if someone could please explain this to fuck face Tom Morello who constantly has this "woe is me" complex with the government, that'd be gr8.

   
   Canada doesn't have this problem, because no one gives a shit about Canada. Are they French? Are they English? They like hockey? No one knows. No one cares. If you want to live in a non confrontational, mediocre (and that's generous) country, pack your shit, bring a coat, make sure you have money for crepes, and get on the Amtrak to your new life. 

 Snowden himself is a man who took an oath of secrecy and then just decided to be an Indian giver with government secrets. When someone is given a job involving any sort of government intelligence like this they take their oath for a reason. If everyone knew all the moves our military and defense agencies were making, it wouldn't be intelligence, it would be trivia. The government is there to protect us, and sometimes it takes liberties. For you to make an effort to be apart of the bureaucratic machine by entering the military as a special forces operative (the original plan, until fart head broke both of his legs during a training exercise) and not know this going in is just silly. You mean to tell me that homeboy was going to secretly kill people under the veil of darkness on foreign soil, but handing over phone bills to the government clouds his conscience? Get that shit out of here, b. Just look...at his stupid....face.

     The more you dig into his psychology the more he looks like a total asshole. He thought he'd be a national hero, and it kind of seems like the results are split amongst U.S. citizens. Just look at this quote.  

   "I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong."

    This is a quote from the guardian in regards to Snowden's actions. A quote that came out while he was hiding out in China. So to reiterate, "I got nothing to hide, b......but if you need me, I'll be hanging out on the farthest possible point on the Earth from the people that would want to put me in jail." I don't know about you, but if I did some wild shit that I wasn't afraid of getting in trouble for, I'm still going to Zarro's in Penn Station before work to get my coffee, and carrying out my day as usual because I have no fear of being called in for questioning. Then to make things worse, he flies up to Russia (who is kind of still our enemy on the low) and meets with top officials over there. Then to make things even more worse, he expresses his interest to fly down to Cuba which is 20 miles away from Florida (Cuban missile crisis, ayyyyyy). Snowden, my guy, you have to understand how this could like like you were selling secrets to people that might want to be top banana on planet Earth. 

     He has applied for asylum now in 20 nations, and no one wants a piece because they don't want green berets at their border tearing shit to pieces at 3 AM, so I'm happy. If you did nothing wrong, come home and face the music dude.

    To be fair, I wouldn't truly be in the middle if I didn't listen to some other opinions from people who know what's going on. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Hit me up and lemme know. 

@mikecoscarelli- Twitter and Instagram
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The podcast comes back next, so be sure to check that out too. Happy 4th once again, and much love to anyone who put eyeballs on this.

PEACE.

TIM DUNCAN IS THE MOST SWAGGERLESS HUMAN BEING ON EARTH

 

     Hey fam. The NBA Finals are over. People are mad though because the Spurs lost. The thought process is that the Spurs "play the game of basketball the way it was meant to be played.....LIKE A TEAM." Give me a fucking break please. They are the most boring team on earth to watch. They play the game like my grandfather and 4 of his friends do. Firm chest passes around the perimeter to other white men with doo wop hair cuts. Just atrocious to watch in the year 2013 man. Blake Griffin jumps over people and tea bags their eyeballs with his scrotum, why would I be excited about Manu Ginobli and his absurd bald spot playing stymied defense on Norris Cole in the 2nd quarter of a home game in San Antonio, a city that literally has 0 business harboring an NBA team to begin with. Fuck Texas up the ass with their bullshit about trying to secede from the country every 8 years.

     In any case, I didn't watch much of the finals. Because I am a Knicks fan, I hate both of these teams with an infinite fury despite roster. The Heat were a bunch of thugs in the 90's who used to hide razor blades in their sweatbands and try to cut Charlie Ward's nipples off, and The Spurs stopped Patrick Ewing from getting a ring in '99 and that made me cry because I was 10, but my hatred for one person has remained constant throughout his career. Tim Fuckin' Duncan.
 

Tim Duncan, aka Robot Jones, aka the black Gumby, aka Admiral Killjoy, is the ring leader of this let's use the backboard dogshit basketball the Spurs have been playing for almost 2 decades. Every body talks about Duncan every year saying what a surprise it is that his numbers are good, and that's because no one will watch the Spurs play a single game of 1890's style fundamental Canadian basketball except for people who live in San Antonio who were able to sneak the game in in between cleaning their guns and planning the uprising. It looks like Duncan found a book in the library on basketball, read it, and just picked up a ball on the court and started figuring out the geometric flight paths of the ball off the glass. Absolutely 0 physical play from a man who came up in an era of basketball that featured fist fights and excelsior levels of shit talking. His actual real life voice sounds like when black comedians make fun of white people because we pay our taxes on time and take out life insurance policies to protect our children financially in case Meryl Lynch folds and we jump out the window. I couldn't even imagine the on the court conversations between Duncan and mental giant, Shaq, with his droll ogre pattern of speech.

Shaq- "Nice shot back there stupid. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put my mouth on yo momma's pussy lips after the game. We're going to have a really nice time in my Rhode Island sized Superman bed."

Duncan- "Well that's not very nice Shaquille. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take your mother out for a very nice dinner at Spargo, because she deserves to be treated like a lady. Then I will fill her uterus with my seed, and in 9 months when our child is harvested, I will enroll him into private school and start an orange ING account with a modest interest rate so he can go to a top university."

     Besides being the most unenthusiastic living organism on the basketball court at any given time, his behavior off the court is abhor ant, and by that I mean it's not rowdy enough. In my opinion, it's absolutely bananas to me that the NBA, NFL, and MLB fine players for touchdown dances, and doing dumb bullshit off the field of play. Never ever forget that we gravitate to all of these athletes because they are entertainers, plain and simple airgo, their personalities are what attract us to them. This can even raise the bar on some athletes career. Everyone knows Ron Artest. Is it because he has hall of fame numbers? No. It's because some scumbag in Detroit tried to get cute and pour a beer on his head, so Artest (being from the Queensbridge projects. Don't fuck with Queens) ran into the stands, and PUNCHED this dude in the fucking face. Talk about a standout personality. Some people like the blue collar (white) guy who brings his fucking lunch to work in a brown bag because he's barely good enough to be on the practice squad, but he runs 10 extra suicides in practice to dress on Sunday because he doesn't wanna go back and work at the steel mill. I personally like Deon Sanders wearing gold chains and feathers fucking every model that comes within 50 feet of him. Think about it, who's more entertaining?

    You know who's not entertaining? Tim ASSFACE Duncan. How am I supposed to admire a man who makes 9.6 million dollars a year and buys all of his clothe off the clearance rack at Sears? He shows up to every fucking press conference like he just jumped out of a mid 90's R and B video. LOOK AT HIM!

        The Timberland store in the mall by my house closed like, 2 years ago or so, and I feel like it's because Tim Duncan came to town to play the Nets and decided to go shopping. Then a bunch of people saw him walk out of the Timberland store and people started muttering to each other "Is that how we're going to look? Holy shit no thanks," then BAM. Timberland lands right in the shit house.

         In any case, the Heat took home the hardware the other night, and I'm ok with it I guess because I'm warming up to Lebron again. He's kind of becoming an arrogant dickhead, and he should be because no one is even close to him on a talent level, so I'm down with that. Basketball season is over, and the Mets suck dick, so this will probably be the last sports rant you get from me for a little while.

Follow me on Twitter and Vine @mikecoscarelli. Subscribe to the blog and the podcast, and it's the weekend, so go out and get some hand jobs and hard liquor, baby.

PEACE

MARATHONS ARE STUPID

         What's happening? I graduated college. It took me 6 years but I finally got out of academic prison. I'm like the Van Wilder of north jersey without any of the swagger or appeal to other human beings in any way. In any case you caught me in a momentary lapse where my time is being spent writing this and attempting to steal Kanye West albums off the internet machine instead of job hunting.
        Someone asked me yesterday if I wanted to participate in the Tough Mudder, and then I had a record breaking eye roll that was visible from Neptune. Why the fuck would anybody want to be a part of any of these horrific death races? Especially when there's no altruistic endeavor involved. Charity runs make sense at least, but those are stupid as well. Stop running and write a check already dude, kids have autism and hangnails and shit.

Tough Mudder- Just look at this motherfucking website. Their tagline is literally "Probably the toughest event on the planet." Please Tough Mudder PR team, go ahead and pat yourself on the back a little fucking harder. Your event is probably way harder than guerrilla warfare, launching a rocket into space, or childbirth, you're right.  If anyone on this planet needs more evidence than fossils to prove that we're descendants of monkeys, just flip on this video and watch thousands of juiced up men and "women" pound their fucking fists in the mud like a bunch of damn silver back apes. Sponsored by Under Armour, Wheaties, and domestic violence, this gay romp through wet dirt comes complete with violent groans and maneuvering through barbed wire. This is the kind of thing that people who love energy drinks and desert painted Jeep Wranglers mark on their calenders so they can plan their cycle intake of Jack'd 3D accordingly and have a reason to wear their brand new Tapout compression shorts in public. I get enough of that bullshit at any New Jersey beach without doing over the top physical activity, and the difference is I don't have to peel off dried mud from the inside of my asshole when I leave.

New York Marathon- By far the most noble of the marathons. Most major cities have one but mine is obviously New York so as far as I'm concerned it's the dopest. This one makes the most sense. People come from like Trinidad and Tobago, and Iran, to Irun this fucking race. The purse is big (if you're Kenyan enough to win the race) and the city basically goes on lock down with cool bar crawls because of how much attention it brings all the local businesses, but just look at this map.

 GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD DAMN (Chris Tucker voice). You run through each of the 5 boroughs, even the ones that don't count (shout out to Staten Island and the boogie down), and you have to run across the Verrazano bridge. HO-LEE-SHIT, would you get a load of this?

I get anxiety DRIVING over this bridge, yet alone packing myself onto it with 30,000 people wearing day glo tank tops and fanny packs.  If you sign up for this marathon you have to commit to spending your entire day running, just running. No dirty water dogs, no sex in the city tour. This is it. That's a pretty heavy commitment. 

Color Run-Like a roving Ke$ha concert, the Color Run pops into most major cities leaving runners looking like they just took a money shot from a cartoon character. Nothing like having dried chalk thrown at you when you are hemorrhaging sweat from every pore in your body, right? You can literally just run up on someone and smash this shit in someone's face like they deserved some kind of punishment. This is the me generation dictating that WE WON'T EXERCISE UNLESS IT IS FUN AND COLORFUL.  

Zombie Run- If you love full throttle cardio vascular workouts while simultaneously having panic attacks, the zombie run is the race for you. Let's be clear right from the get go. If you're one of those people that talk about "The Zombie Apocalypse" you're a nerd and your friends don't like you. There will never be a zombie apocalypse, it cannot happen. Stop telling people that if it happens you need to have pounds of iodized salt to fight zombie infection and an underground bunker. There is no strand of disease that will turn people into zombies. There is no angle that the moon can hit to rise decaying bodies from the grave. Just shut the fuck up and watch more episodes of "Doctor Who" in your bunker filled with Gushers and Ragu tomato sauce and leave the rest of us alone. The only way this race would actually be appealing would be if the zombies were somehow real, and ate these mouth breathing simpletons so there was more room on the subway for the rest of us. 

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PEACE

WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO GO TO SPACE?

              Wanna go to space? Axe Body spray, aka the official smell of trying too hard, is finally offering the opportunity to go to space to 22 weak men with no taste. Apparently this contest was launched in January, but I pay such little attention to Axe body spray and all of their "kickass" endeavors that it must have slipped by the sonar somehow. I'm glad I caught this when I did though, because this is the dumbest shit I've ever heard of in my 23 years on the life sustaining planet of Earth, where you can actually live.
              I do have to say one thing. This promotion seems right up Axe's alley because their consumers are monumentally stupid. You're talking about a demographic of people who would enter to win in a contest where the grand prize is a power bomb delivered by Randy Couture because chicks dig how "extreme" it is, then Axe sticks you with the medical bills for your ruptured pancreas and broken ribcage. Everyone knows that Axe is the ultimate pussy repellant, and in space, no one can here you scream about how bad your blue balls hurt. So unless this is just a big ploy for Axe to find 22 of their most scandalous, unappealing consumers and maroon them out in the abyss of space as the ultimate pro bono gesture to human kind (which the contestants would just haaaaaaaaave to understand) these guys are in for a surprise.
              What could the appeal possibly be? They understand that it's just black up there right? That once you get up into space, which never ever ever ends, you can see Earth and the moon and that's it. It's not like being in New York, where you look at exactly the right moment on west 35th street and you get a clear shot at the Empire State Building. You don't just look to your right and see Jupiter like it's right down the fucking street. These guys are going to get up to the space station, realize that there's no Jaegermeister or Saturnian space women to dry hump against their will and want to turn around immediately.