WHY ARE THE 90'S BACK?

     What's up sluts? I know it's been a minute since I dropped some education on your asses, but that's because I've been busy prepping this goddammned podcast so you can listen to my voice. I've been around though, and I've been noticing some changes happening around me lately. There's some weird shit happening on college campuses and the younger areas of New York. Apparently 90's style is cool again. I see black dudes walking around with boozy fades, hipsters playing Sega Genesis in their abundantly ironic Bushwick apartments, and the fucking Spice Girls have a stage show in London. Why is any of this happening?  The thing that I find most strange about the fad is that its all people my age setting the trend. Everyone involved is like aged 22-30. We already lived through the 90's, why are we trying to bring them back? Do you not remember? The 90's were like mediocre at best. What the fuck is going on? If all you remember about the decade is your childhood, then the memories are obviously going to be sweet. Everyone's childhood is awesome, no matter what decade you lived it through, unless you were like molested by an uncle (Well not really an uncle, but like a close friend of your parents who you call uncle even though he isn't really an actual uncle........ok just a guy in van who promised me alottttttttttttt of candy and never did actually follow through with his end of the bargain). There's not a single bad thing about childhood for the average American kid. You wake up, bullshit around school for a couple of hours and then you're free to go play baseball without helmets, and explore the woods at night time. Along the way you watch a few TV shows and play with some action figures.

      My generation just refuses to grow up. There's no fucking hope for us. By 2020 there will be no more doctors, lawyers, or politicians. Just a stupefying number of house music DJs and cupcake shop entrepreneurs. If you cut yourself by accident trying to slice up your gluten free loaf of honey oat bread, you're in trouble, but if you're throwing a Garbage Pale Kids themed disco party and need someone on the ones and twos don't worry. You can log onto Facebook and find a DJ in less than 3 minutes. There's a reason short shorts, high top fades, and LA Gear sneakers went out of style. THEY LOOK FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I know how many people walk this earth, lemme rephrase that, walk around New York City, dressed like an asshole on purpose to try and be different (unsuccessfully) but we're going a little too far here, amigos.   

   I'm not hating on the 90's, I'm actually listening to The Cranberries at this exact moment. Those pasty Irish motherfuckers had some great hits. Like I said it was a good time to grow up. The world changed a lot in that decade. Seinfeld is great. The internet is great. Knowing everyone on the planet (minus Africa, ewwwwwwww) has a cellphone is great. However, there's a lot of shit from the 90's that WASN'T so great, and if we don't stop this mayhem in it's tracks now there's no telling if any of these abominations can come back.

Grunge- Find me a person (outside of Seattle) that wants this bullshit to come back and I will eat 11 sweaty Puerto Rican strippers assholes out and wash it down with a glass of vinegar. Grunge music is terrible, and the people who listen to it look like dirty vagabond lumberjacks. Nirvana sucks. Nirvana has always sucked. I had to get new underwear from laughing when Rolling Stone put Kurt Cobain in their top 100 guitar players (I also love reading Rolling Stone because they're a music magazine that doesn't know anything about music). I would rather hang my head out the side of a Jeep Wrangler and let my face drag on the pavement of the Garden State Parkway then have to listen to even one Soundgarden song.

Saved By The Bell- This is not a good show. I don't care if you watched it after school when you were 9 and you're nostalgic about how cool you thought the gang was because they had their own Fudruckers they could go to after school and sit in chairs backwards while scarfing down a basket of french fries.  It was so bad, it got dropped two times from television before it got a piece of shit Saturday morning time slot on NBC. It ran 4 seasons for a reason. You know why you liked it so much? Because you were 6 when it was in syndication on television, and what the fuck do 6 year olds know about story structure and character development? Nothing, that's because they're learning what the color yellow is in kindergarten class. Screech is the most annoying character ever on television, and yes I'm ranking him higher than Peter Griffin, Fran Drescher, and anyone on "Scrubs". Also lets not forget that "Saved By The Bell" launched the career of the truly horrible Mario Lopez who gets a paycheck for doing sit ups and looking greasy, which should be enough reason to hate the show in my opinion.  

Bigotry- To be fair this obviously hasn't completely gone away, but we forget that there were some major race relation events that went down in the 90's. How could we forget the L.A riots? The always graceful Los Angeles Police Department beat the shit out of Rodney King and then were acquitted of excessive force charges by an all white jury. For some reason, this pissed off the south central population which was about 96% black. Cut to people just walking into The Wiz and walking out with televisions and smoke grenades popping off on Sunset Blvd. There always seems to be something so exciting happening in California.

Also, let's not forget our outstanding treatment of gay Americans in the 90's. Fresh off the AIDs scare, in 1993 Bill Clinton introduced Don't Ask Don't Tell. I don't even think I have to explain this, but the short answer for of this is that gay people in the military had to keep their shit on the downlow, or get kicked out. This was also the decade that we first saw the Westboro Baptist Church on parade ruining funerals of homosexuals. With their picket signs in hand, these heroes (sent by god himself, see?) fearlessly, and valiantly held up signs (because signs are badass as fuck) at the funeral of Mathew Shepard, a 21 year old Wyoming homo sexual male. Matt was savagely tortured and murdered so you can understand why someone would picket his funeral for being gay, right? RAWK ON 1998.

Furby- You never had fun with a Furby doll. Don't lie to me. More importantly, don't lie to yourself. Furby was the ultimate consumer trap in 1990's America. Children wanted them, myself included, because they were adorable and they could talk to you. They could say their names, and even SAY YOUR NAME, but children are stupid and don't think anything through, which is why children don't exercise stock options or pay attention  to fiscal trends and become real estate moguls. Looking back I remember the struggle it was to get my dad to buy my sisters and I a Furby doll, and now here I am a full fledged young adult completely understanding why my dad's soul was crushed into dust when he finally caved. THE THING NEVER SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't know how my parents didn't impale it with a screw driver. You would feed it...it wants more food. You would pick it up, and play with it and pet it.....it wants more attention. It was like a fat alcoholic baby, the only difference is Furby could never die if you neglected it. It would just keep talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. It was almost like being married to a woman. Where's the fun in that?

Roller Blades- Just look at these fucking people

EEEK

Cmonnnnnnnn man

People in California think this is fun

That poor child

This one isn't a surprise

Steroids in baseball- What am I talking about? Bring back the homerun ball bitch! I want to see David Wright hit 113 homeruns next season. Hit the weights homeboy.

I'm working on getting the podcast up in the next week. Tell your friends all about this so I can pull in checks at some point. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram- @Mikecoscarelli

PEACE!

OSCARS LIVE CAINING

CHECK OUT THE LIVE BROADCAST OF THE OSCARS FEATURING MIKE FLYNN, TONY DECRISTOFORO, AND BRAD ZUCKERWISE. LINK BELOW HOESSSSSSSSS

http://www.ubroadcast.com/show/white-people-cant-dance

NEW YORK FASHION WEEK DOS AND DON'TS

        It's fashion week in New York . Oh shit! Is that a corpse walking down 7th avenue? Oh no, it's Aaron Carter trouncing around Midtown looking for gay prostitutes and low level crack rocks (because he's on a budget) in parachute pants and Tracy McGrady sneakers from 2002. More importantly, the hottest women in the world are hanging around the city until at least the end of the week. Now when I say the hottest women in the world, don't misconstrue even a syllable of that sentence, I mean it to the fullest. On a regular basis about 85% percent of the most beautiful people in the world live on the island Manhattan, 7% live in L.A because they're in movies,  3% percent live in South America because they are sex slaves who are owned by the drug cartels, and the other 5% are spread throughout Italy, France, and England because they like art and history and all that other gay bullshit that isn't important in America. THESE ARE REAL STATISTICS ACCORDING TO ME AND THE MULATTO KID SITTING NEXT TO ME IN THE LIBRARY WEARING DIRTY RED HIGH TOP AIR FORCE ONE SNEAKERS.  During fashion week all these percentages form like Voltron and Manhattan becomes a dangerous %100 percent hot woman level. Look left, super model. Look right, super model. It's sensory overload. Having said all of this as a man, the main point of fashion week if you're going out is to be fresh. You need a how to guide on how to not look like an asshole in front of these gorgeous women. Now guys, I get it, you're not me. I'm gorgeous bruh. Thick head of dark hair, a chest that you can eat assorted smoked meats off of, and a dick so big if they had it when the Titanic hit the iceberg, no one would have died because we would have had an extra row boat, feel me? It's cool, I know I set a super hardcore example of superb alpha male behavior, but if you follow these rules you're straight, I promise.

Do- Do have a credit card. Bitches love to spend money, especially when it isn't theirs. I know you're broke, I am too (If you're reading this, give me checks) that's why the gold card was invented home slice. Pay it later. You're balling out this week, because if there's one week a year where you should be, it's this one. Fuck Christmas, fuck Hanukkah, fuck Kwanza because no one celebrates it anyway. This is the big leagues dude. Men do things for high fives from other men. This list includes building sky scrapers, curing polio, and sleeping with hot women. If you try to impress Kate Upton, and she wants a Filet Mignon marinated in Henri IV served on a platter made out of platinum and bald eagle's assholes on the rooftop of the Plaza Hotel, you say yes and pray to god they take Discover. Realistically it'll probably be way more food anyway because Kate looooooooooooves to eat (Just Kidding Kate. You're shockingly gorgeous, bitch).

Do- Do know your way around the 5 boroughs (Well 4. You're not going to Staten Island). Know your landmarks. Pop quiz hot shot. It's 2:15 in the morning and you're with Naomi Watts and Alessandra Ambrosio and they wanna get out of Manhattan. Naomi is pretending to be black tonight, and she wants to go somewhere crazy. Where do you go? That's right, Brasil is spinning an after hours dubstep show at an abandoned meat freezer on Bedford Avenue in Greenpoint. Uh oh, Alessandra popped way too much molly and then Naomi cracked her skull open with a cell phone because she thought Alessandra was making fun of her bowlegged dancing, when really she was just having 4 seizures at once. You can't take her to a hospital because the paparazzi can't find out about this. Where do you take her? That's right, Dr. Chang's apartment in Flushing. He can keep his mouth shut and there's like 6,000 Dr. Changs in Flushing, the media would never figure out which one it is. See why you need to know this shit?

Do- Do make up a background story for yourself. Let's be real bruh, you're probably not that interesting. The people at these parties and shows are musicians and movie stars. Their lives are better than yours. I hate when people try to say things like celebrities lives aren't better than regular people's, of course they are. You're probably a plumber from Rahway New Jersey. How many toilets do you think Emma Stone had to fix last year? Anyway, take a couple of hours and make up an interesting story about yourself. The more you pretend you don't give a shit the better because that's intriguing to people. Learn like a card trick and be semi vague. Observe

Plumber from Rahway- My name is Dan. Here pick a card, any card

Model- Hello Dan, sure. What do you do Dan?

Dan- Well, a little bit of this, little bit of that. Is this your card?

Money.  The best Dan is going to do at least.

Do- Do do coke off the curve of any woman's ass if offered. I don't do coke, but you're not me pimp. You gotta look cool somehow.

Don't- Don't try and tell funny stories. You're not funny to begin with. Also models don't laugh unless it's at other people's physical shortcomings, like your receding hairline. It's a double whammy, you're just wasting everyone's time. These people are mad liberal, which is just as bad as being mad conservative. They're the same thing. Just act like you have a stick up your ass and you read something interesting in the New Yorker about economic tyranny in Uganda, and how those people "need our help". You'll be a hit.

Don't- Don't, please don't. For the love of god DO NOT try to pull off one of these horrifically stupid outfits. These people look like assholes. Their fashion statement is that they found this fabric in a dirty alley on 128th street when they went uptown to buy heroine, and decided to drape it over their shoulder and wear it in public. You don't need to look like a member of the ensemble cast to "The Lion King" stage show, or wear chainmale shirtless to fit in. You're a man. Invest in a decent pair of dress shoes and get a tailored suit. Whether you're on the hunt for some pussy, or your swinging for our allies in the LGBT, whatever you're trying to attract is going to dig a suit that fits you well and a nice pair of shoes. Please do not wear a poncho you asshole.

Don't- Don't pull your dick out in public unless a female asks you to. I know there will be lots of small Chinese pigmys running around in capri pants and electric blue spiked hair doing this all over the city. Ignore them. They're artsy and asian. It's expected from them for both those reasons. You are neither of those things Dan. Keep your dick inside your pants unless you're using it.


Subscribe and keep telling your friends. I'll be posting the link to the live caining of the Oscar's, which will take place on Feb. 24th with Mike Flynn, Brad Zuckerwise, and Tony De Cristofaro. Hit my email Michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com, Hit my Twitter @mikecoscarelli. Podcast is coming in the next couple of weeks. Love Yall.

PEACE 

GRAMMY PERFORMANCES THAT EVERYONE WOULD LOVE TO SEE

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TAYLOR SWIFT'S INTERVENTION

       Taylor, my name is Mike nice to meet you, come on in and have a seat. Now look around. Everyone is in this room today because they love you, and want to help you. We've been noticing lately that the media has been paying quite a bit of attention to your love life. I can't blame them. You are most certainly the "IT" girl right now and it's easy to see why. First off you're cute, there's no denying that. A blonde curly haired white girl from Pennsylvania usually has what it takes to win the hearts of America. Also you make country music and for whatever reason white people all over America all of a sudden decided they liked this audio diarrhea about gettin' pussy in Kentucky, and red solo cups (Country music is horrifically bad, but that's a whole different conversation).  Finally, and this is probably the most important thing, you actually legitimately seems really nice and sweet. Honestly. It's like you're following some check list to constantly gain approval from white America.

-Make Country Music- CHECK

-Appear on "Ellen" 4 Times a Week- CHECK

-Glue a Smile on Your Face and Constantly Be Positive and Upbeat Even Though Life is a Dark Lonely Void That Ends In Oblivion- CHECK

-Take Cute Pictures of Cats on Instagram- CHECK

- Act Completely Surprised Any Time You Receive Praise or Recognition of Any Kind- CHECK

     On the surface, you're perfect, there's no way around it. I ain't even mad though, do your thing Taylor.  Get your money. Spend it on your ridiculous looking sparkling guitars and Lisa Frank trapper keepers and other things that girls in my 7 year old cousin's 1st grade class like. Better get all this shit now because you're ride is going to be coming to an end very soon if you don't clean your act up girlfriend. That's why these gentleman to my left and my right are here today. We want to help you.
     You see, you're fame has come from writing songs about guys fucking you over which young girls can relate to, because you are a role model to them. This is something you started doing when you were 18, a very young girl. As boys continue to break your heart as you grow into womanhood, you cope by locking yourself in a studio with a notebook, and it ends in success every time. At this point you are 23 years old, still a very young ripe age, but let's take a look into the future. 
     You continue to date boys, get dumped, and write music. The cycle just never ends. Except now you're not 23, you're 32. Those cupcakes you love baking around the holidays start to take their toll on your waste line as your body begins to prepare itself for the baby making stage of it's life, and as you have grown up, your fans have grown up with you. Your fans however have had to mature. They can't relate to your music anymore, they have husbands and children, and mortgages to pay, and a job at Metlife with a boss riding them hard for that expense report that was due yesterday, but the baby wouldn't shut the fuck up all night so they couldn't get any work done.  They just don't care about songs with lyrics that bitch about how boys don't like them. They have way too much on their plates, and with the new generation growing more life savvy every day, are you still a role model to young girls? A single, 32 year old woman who can't hold down a man and continues to project her problems onto the world, lacking any accountability, blaming all her romantic missteps on her partner? At what point does a young girl say....."Maybe it's Taylor's fault?".  So your album sales dip, as do the size of the venues you play. You go from The Garden, to Radio City, to the Best Buy Theater, to Rockland Music Hall, and your movie career.......well let's just say that that experiment is over LOLZ.  I'm here to tell you though, it does not have to be like this
     A lot of people seem to think that your trouble with men stems from this insane idea that we don't want to mess with you because if we break up with you, we end up public enemy number one by ending up in one of your songs. Let me be the first one to tell you that has never been a factor in any man's decision to sleep with a woman in the history of man kind. You're not the daughter of a mafia boss, you probably don't own a gun, and you look clean so I'm going to assume your vagina doesn't exhume a pungent odor. Those are the 3 qualifications to not have sex with a girl that exist on the planet.  If anything having a bitch write a song about what a heart breaker you are is the ultimate compliment. I'd rather give you a hickey while grabbing your tits right now and have you write a song about me that dis enchants every woman on earth from ever messing with me for the rest of my life, than marry a 6 foot blonde big titted Norwegian princess with Steven Tyler's lips and her own hovercraft.  My hand would constantly be broken from all the high fives I'd be getting. Stop thinking that's a factor in your relationships, like your mediocre musicianship is the giant elephant in the room hindering your chances at a meaningful relationship with a man. You're problem is that you need to grow up, and accept a little bit of responsibility for your actions instead of buying body pillows and stuffed animals to sleep with at night because they feel like a boy. That's why I brought these gentleman in to talk to you about their side of your relationship.

Joe Jonas-  We had a lot of fun Taylor. Playing music with you was the best. Sitting around a camp fire singing songs about being young and oh so confused about everything. You would take the low parts, and I of course would always sing the high ones. Any time I needed eyeliner, or a flat iron for my hair, you were there. Anytime I wanted to go shopping for matching Dooney and Bourke European sling bags, you were there. But when I wanted to share my love for Jesus with you, you were not there. I told you I was saving myself for marriage but you just tried and tried to get into my pants, which were actually your pants that I was borrowing. You were too aggressive for me Taylor, and Jesus was just a modest carpenter.

John Mayer-  Dear Taylor. I couldn't be at this stupid intervention thing because I'm in Minneapolis getting my swerve on. It's not called the twin city for nothing if you know what I'm saying. To clarify I have twin bitches in my bed right now and I'm giving them a nasty Eiffel tower while I write this letter to you. Let's call this spade to spade. Monogamy is not really my thing. Eating Jessica Simpson's rancid pussy and then talking about it to "People Magazine" is my thing. That's what I'm good at. I'm kind of a wild and crazy bad boy which you should have known from the start. It's the reason I wrote that song "Daughters" in the first place. Listen though, it was fantastic taking your virginity. You were so young and naive so it took you like 0 convincing to hit it raw, despite the whole chlamydia situation I have going on (that's a sexually transmitted disease. You should Wikipedia it, it's a part of you now).  Welp, gotta run. Eric Clapton wants me to come over and play guitar because I'm a rockstar like I've been telling everyone. 

Harry Styles- Taylor, I'm English so excuse me if my English isn't so great. I like to remember the good times we had. Eating pizza together (with no vegetables, because those are yucky poo poo), watching "Zoom" which my mom said is ok to watch after school because it's educational, and putting baseball cards on the spokes of our bikes so it sounds like we're riding motorcycles. It was such a wonky time. I remember that one time we french kissed. I was so happy I just ran off and started skipping rocks on a pond. Let's be honest though, I'm 17 years old. What the fuck were you doing dating me? You're basically a woman and I'm still trying to figure out the difference between Barbasol shaving cream and the gel stuff. Seriously, what's the deal with that?

Conor Kennedy- Listen Taylor you're great but let's be honest, I'm going to be dead in like a matter of weeks. I know you didn't make it to school much because of all the "music" you were making, but just to fill you in on some history, my grandfather sold weapons to Hitler who was like the most evil dude of all time. To put it in terms you might understand, Hitler was kind of like the Grinch who stole Christmas, but instead of showering Whoville with presents at the end of the movie, Hitler tried to shower every Jewish person on earth with toxic gasses. My whole family is cursed as fuck, no one makes it past like 28, except Uncle Ted, but that's a whole nother story. Don't even get me started on Uncle Ted.  Anyway, it just wasn't going to work. You understand, right?

Jake Gyllenhaal- Taylor, please stop calling me. I'm a movie star I do not have time to deal with this shit. One Love.

      This should say a lot Taylor. Maybe  date a stable human being for once. Like a mechanic or something. A regular person, with a regular job who would enjoy your natural, air tight, clingy nature. Think about it girlfriend. It could save your career.

Send your questions and comments to michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter @mikecoscarelli, and tell your friends.

PEACE

5 Broadway Shows That Would Get My Ass Rich

      I was watching something on the tube last night and a commercial for that Spider Man musical came on. The commercial was footage of the Green Goblin doing this hauntingly gay shuffle dance dance to a song about how good it is to be bad in New York City. It's basically a ploy to get New Yorkers to buy tickets to see this shit storm. Now, usually you may have to fill people in on what's going on on Broadway if they aren't from New York or New Jersey because the shows change pretty often, unless you're talking about one of the big ones like "Wicked", or "The Lion King" or one of those. "Spider Man: Turn Off the Dark" is certainly a big one, so I probably don't have to explain to people outside the Tri-State what it is. If you're surprised that it's actually still on Broadway though, then we're on the same page. I was amazed when I saw this thing last night. I thought it was long gone, mostly because it's famous for being a total fucking failure that cost like 15 million dollars to put together.

     When Marvel first announced this mess my first thought was clearly "This is a joke right?". Why on earth would anyone make Spider Man into a musical? It's not a topic that has anything to do with music, or choreographed dance, or even Jews (Peter Parker sounds pretty gentile to me). Who the fuck would want to emasculate Spider Man by making him sing and dance show tunes while he's beating the shit out of bad guys. It's demeaning to all parties involved, and that includes the bad guys who were already embarrassed that they got busted trying to rob a Wells Fargo by getting trapped in a ridiculous giant spider web. I was already out for this thing because it was stupid and unnecessary. However, if Marvel wanted to find a way to make it more stupid, they had succeeded. To supply the music for this warcrime in the making, they picked out the two perfect elements from the stupid cunt nose periodic table. Bono and The Edge

 
      Just look at these two. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat the FUCK would either of these two snake charmers know about making Broad Way showtunes? All of their music sounds like it was made for people who live out in space, but they thought it sucked, so we got stuck with it. Forget the fact that Bono wears those RIDICULOUS orange sunglasses with rhinestones on them (Which my 71 year old, east side of Brooklyn, Jewish grandmother thinks are, "Just fabulous") EVERYWHERE and looks like an asshole every single moment of every single day, his name is Bono. He picked that name, his parents didn't name him Bono. Somewhere in his mind he thought, and probably still thinks, that Bono sounds like a really cool name for someone who rocks as hard as he does. To make it even douchier, Bono means good voice in Italian. He named himself good voice. He didn't want people to call him Paul, which is his actual name. He wanted his name to be a compliment to himself 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  I need to put a cap on this rant because I literally could probably write about 8-10 pages strictly on my hatred for Bono and his band of Irish space cowboys.

     Before I get even farther off topic I'm going to pull it all back in. "Spider Man Turn Off The Dark" has shockingly been running for 3 years now, because time apparently fucking flies when you're stealing people's money. This just got me thinking about how little skill or story structure you actually need to create a Broad Way show. It's easy apparently, and it's a show, so German tourists will pay $150 dollars a ticket to see anything just to say they sat in the St. James theater.  So I am officially announcing that this will be my last blog post bitches. I'm taking one of my awesome show ideas below, running straight to the bank, cashing my fucking check and moving to Connecticut. You'll never see me again.

1. "Rock Star"- Nickelback finally answer's the heavy demand from their fans to bring their "music" to the great white way. Running with the theme of "Mamma Mia", "Movin' Out" and "Rock of Ages",  we take the cool, hard rock soundtrack of every middle school bus driver's life and put it on stage. Just think about it.

Abba- Super rich off "Mamma Mia"

Bill Joel (I call him Bill)- Super rich off "Movin' Out"

All those fucking 80's rock stars- Most of them probably got a warm meal or two or lending their songs to "Rock of Ages". Trust me, the dudes from Warrant are not buying out the club.

    We open on Jake, a balding, mid 30's biker dude, played by Hugh Jackman, with nothing but a dream and his Harley, riding up and down the winding highways of Newfoundland. He's just trying to have a few a Michelob Ultras in his brother's backyard, and fuck Patty, a blonde waitress by day, stripper by night, played by Kristen Chenowith. This thing's a home run. Somehow Nickelback sells out The Garden everytime they come to New York, because let's face it, Americans love white trash things. That's why no one reads, and NASA is bankrupt, but "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so popular it got it's own spin off about a rotund 7 year old named Honey Boo Boo, who is raised by a family of humpback whales. 

 "He's a What?"- The story of besmirched New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey finally get's it's proper due every night at the Shubert Theatre. For those of you who don't remember, Jim McGreevey, played by Hugh Jackman, was forced to resign from office in August of 2004 after admitting that he had engaged in an adult consensual affair with another man, Golan Cipel (played by Nathan Lane), who threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. The problem with this of course was that Mcgreevey had a wife and kids, so the joke was on New Jersey. The bigger joke is that this man now teaches ethics at my college....I wish I was kidding. Songs include: "Can You Keep a Secret?", "Please Don't Black Mail Me",  and "Whoops"

 "Mis-Executed"- As Americans, we learn very little in school about the Bay of Pigs Invasion, mostly because we got our clocks cleaned by Cuban rebels. We don't usually like to talk about wars and battles we lost, so in my version we win, and colonize the shit out of Cuba. Every night at the Helen Hayes Theater,  Major Jack Smith, played by Hugh Jackman, leads a squadron of young American's to a swift and flawless victory over the Cuban exiles. This was actually more of an aerial battle in real life, but Hugh Jackman cannot tap dance in an airplane.......or can he?    
Songs include: "There's Rice Everywhere", "Who's Raft is This?", and "We're Going to Build Casinos Here"

 "See No Evil, Hear No Evil" - Hugh Jackman takes on a roll of a lifetime playing Helen Keller at the Neil Simon Theater. This musical romp shows the lighter side of being both deaf and blind, and most unfortunately of all, a woman. What kind of trouble is Helen cooking up in Alabama circa 1900? Not much, but if you have to be deaf and blind, you're lucky to be born in Alabama because there's not a whole lot to see there. It works because people love tragedy turned comedy.
Songs include: "MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" 

 "Porno: The Musical"- This is just Hugh Jackman fucking women on stage for 2 hours. Songs include "Smaller than I expected", "This never happens to me, I swear", and "Wrong Hole" 

I better get to work. 


Send Questions and comments to michaelacoscarelli@gmail.com,  follow me on Twitter @Mikecoscarelli, and the podcast starts up tomorrow (Feb. 1st) and will be live from 7-9 every Friday night. Here's the link to watch it live

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/the-crunge

What The Fuck Happened to Al Pacino?

 

        I had the misfortune of catching about 30 minutes of Adam Sandler's theatrical anomaly Jack and Jill this morning while I was putting lotion on my elbows because the tri-state area is below freezing and my skin cracks like egg shells if I make a movement of any kind. Also for some reason that I'll never understand, ESPN had tennis on instead of Sports Center. Man this thing was bad. I mean it looked bad, I knew it was bad, but like......Adam Sandler plays himself (like always), and himself with tits and a wig (Really challenging himself as an actor) which I kind of wanted to see for a second to make sure I had evidence of how far humanity is sinking into the shitter. Seriously, if the military forced the terrorists in Guantanamo Bay to watch this movie our government would be FUCKED because it would be considered a heinous act of torture. What I didn't realize is that Al Pacino is in this movie. No, no, let me rephrase that. He's the first supporting actor in the movie. No, no, wait let me rephrase that again. He's the first supporting actor in the movie, and he's playing himself. No, no, wait let me take one more crack at this. He's the first supporting actor in a movie where he plays himself, and he's IN LOVE with Adam Sandler dressed in drag, despite the fact that Pacino is 72 years old and crusty like old toe nails and Adam Sandler is 46 and has that fat hebrew nose in the middle of his face. Now, I did not get to see about half of this piece of shit because I have a full schedule that includes buying frozen coffee drinks that I didn't realize were frozen until bitches hand them to me in the freezing cold, and taking a shit two times in one day in the Penn Station bathroom, but those 30 minutes that I will never get back got me thinking about Al (we're on a first name basis because we're pizonos. WHOPs know each other like that). 
      I did some research and was kind of shocked at what I found. Pacino obviously is a great actor. He rose to a level of respect in the acting community as a stage guy. Once he got The Godfather the dude took off like a fucking space ship. From 72-79 he was 7 for 7 with critically acclaimed movies that most would consider classics. The Godfather, Scarecrow, Serpico, The Godfather Part II, Dog Day Afternoon, Bobby Deerfield, and ....And Justice For All.  This was his run for 5 years. Just perfect. It's hard to think of any other 5 year stretch of a film career for anybody that is that impressive.  From there he cruised through the 80's and 90's with the film career that you would expect from an actor of his caliber. He ebbed and flowed doing some great films and some average ones, this of course includes Scent of a Woman which he won an Oscar for in 1992.  Up through the late 90's Pacino did some pretty good movies. Donny Brasco, The Devil's Advocate, and obviously Heat. Then 99 came around and the shit hit the fucking fan. 
       Pacino closed out the 90's with Any Given Sunday, a movie that kind of sucks but wasn't too terrible. The problem was it was apparently a sign of things to come. Every movie that this man has made since 2000 belongs on Staten Island because each one of them is a fucking piece of garbage. Dude, just look at this list of atrocious career choices. Chinese Coffee, S1m0ne, People I Know, The Recruit, Gigli, Two For the Money, Ocean's Thirteen, 88 Minutes, Righteous Kill and Jack and Jill. What the fuck happened man? Have you ever even heard of half of these movies? In 8 years this man got nominated 4 times for a Golden Raspberry, the award they give Meghan Fox every year just for showing up to work. ( and because she can't close her lips. Seriously do an image search on her. You can't find one picture of her where her lips are closed)
       I don't get it man. I mean you can't blame age because there are some old ass dudes still doing good work. Alan Arkin is 78 and that old mother fucker just got nominated for an Oscar for Argo. Christopher Plummer is 82 and he won some hardware for Beginners last year. Pacino has to know he can turn down movies, right? Unless..............................OH MY GOD.........................Al Pacino has had Alzheimer's disease for 13 years. It's the only logical explanation. Just look at some of these more ridiculous flops in detail.

       S1m0ne- First off....look at this gay fucking title. Pacino should have looked at the cover of this screenplay, ripped it off and made his agent eat it and wash it down with a food that he had an allergy to (hopefully peanuts because that usually has a violent reaction).  Basically, in this piece of shit, Pacino plays a film director. Winona Ryder plays a diva actress who is starring in his movie, and they get into a fight. Her contract says that if she pulls out of the movie, no footage of her can be used at all, so Pacino has to re- shoot all her scenes. At some point at the beginning of the movie some guy with a fucked up eye gives Al this computer program, but Al brushes homeboy off because he has a fucked up eye, but then the guy dies and Al feels guilty, so he checks it out. The program is called simulation one, which explains the gay title, but not why the gay title has numbers in it. Basically it's an animated woman that you can control to do anything you want within the computer world (the actress isn't important because this movie nipped her career right in the fucking bud).  Al decides to digitally insert this woman into the movie because he's a fucking moron. Not thinking about standard things that actors do, like meet with producers, go on press tours, have agents and managers, etc. etc., he makes her the STAR of a major motion picture. When it's time to do press for the movie, everyone wants to know where Simone (That's her name. Simulation one....... do you get it?) is, and of course Al didn't think of this because why the hell would he use common sense? So he tells the world that she's a recluse and he's the only person on earth who can talk to her, because he was obviously trying to keep shit low key and that's not suspicious I guess.  Obviously there's a public outcry to meet this bitch, so eventually Al starts projecting her through a hologram projector at these places where people can keep their distance from her and not figure out she's just a hologram. The press love her, and Al is pissed that he has to keep doing this bullshit so he tries to ruin her career by making her a total bitch, but the press love that too, so he can't kill this thing. Long story short, he deletes her and gets charged for murder because who the fuck would believe that this bitch who was in these movies was not a real person? So to get Al acquitted his wife and daughter find the disk and create her again, so basically Al is stuck controlling this bitch for the rest of his life..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      Gigli- If you love cringing at dialog pop this movie in, that is assuming you can find it on DVD. "My name, it's pronounced 'Gigli', it rhymes with 'really'."- Ben Affleck. I swear to god that's a line in this movie that my sister with downsyndrome and her friends made with 3 cell phones and a broom handle with a dixie cup on the end of it that we promised them was a shotgun microphone. This thing is fucking terrible. I would love to explain the story to you but I have no clue how to, this thing jumps all over the place. All you basically need to know is that Ben Affleck and JLO are the two leads in this suckfest and they have to kidnap an autistic kid to black mail a prosecutor in New York because Pacino is an Italian mob boss named Starkman, (whoever wrote this fucking movie has clearly never met any Italian people in his life.) and he doesn't want to go to prison. JLO is a lesbian and won't give Ben none of that pussy, but then JLO's crazy ex-girlfriend tries to slit her wrists and they take her to the hospital, but when they get back JLO decides she's not a lesbian anymore and they have weird, sensual, "I'm not a lesbian anymore" sex. I seriously can't. If I keep trying to explain this movie in words all of the blood in my head is going to gush out out of my eye sockets. 

     Righteous Kill- HOLY SHIT! Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino together again? Guns in the trailer? This movie is going to be awesome right? WRONG! This movie sucks. Look at the rest of the cast. Donnie Wahlberg, John Leguizamo, Brian Dennehey 50 Cent, and Rob Dydrek. What the fuck is Rob Dydrek doing in a movie? He's a skateboarder. It's like whoever was casting this movie went through his phone book and picked out a bunch of weird people who were just hanging out around L.A. and had nothing else to do and put them in this movie. Donnie Wahlberg was just happy to be on set so he could eat what craft services put out on the table instead of picking half eaten In and Out burgers out of a dumpster on Sunset Blvd., and shouldn't John Leguizamo being doing a one man show in an alley on 45th street about how loud and crazy Puerto Ricans were in 1988? What the fuck were they thinking? The story line sucks, I won't go into the whole thing because I don't want you to fall asleep on me. Basically the two old deigos that grabbed top billing are vigilante detectives killing off these mob bosses and acquitted rapists, or maybe it's just DeNiro, I can't remember because this movie barely even left a shit stain on my memory. Either way, their calling card is that they leave a poem on the corpse when they kill the guy. Sounds real bad ass right? Either way there's supposed to be this twist that DeNiro is not really the killer, Pacino is doing it by himself. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, shitty movie. Moving on.

     Jack and Jill- I already kind of talked about this at the top of the post, I'm just having trouble figuring out a scenario where someone handed Al a script, then he read it and went YES! "I love this, how can I pass it up? Adam Sandler is going to play dual roles? What a talent. And one of them is a woman? THAT'S HILARIOUS! Also I love that Katie Holmes is going to play his wife, but he's going to have a son who's Hispanic. Doesn't matter that both of them are white, what am I a scientist? I don't know genetics, what do you want from me, it's funny." I have a theory that Sandler just throws these big parties in L.A and invites every celebrity he knows, and when they get there there's just tons of drugs, and gay sex, and a pit of human beings that just run around starved that these celebs get to pick out by hand and then hunt in his back yard. Then when everyone's having fun and got their guard down, Sandler snaps all these pictures as evidence and blackmail's these movie stars and athletes into doing shitty romantic comedies about a man who buys a remote that controls time and space, and a bunch of guys who "just won't grow up already".  Pacino had to have been at one of those parties.

      
      Also, just look at him. He looks like he flew too close to the sun, and he's wearing a head band like he's going to rock out Giant's Stadium for 4 hours with a never ending set of songs that have saxophone solos in them. I never understand adult men who let their hair grow past their ears either like it's 1971. Al, pull yourself together man. I know you've had Alzheimer's for 13 years but try to remember how it feels to make a movie that doesn't suck. Also steer clear of Sandler's house. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Al Pacino. WHOOOOO WAAAAAA!

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