MILEY CYRUS IS HAVING THE MOST UNCOOL IDENTITY CRISIS EVER

     

       So this weekend was the MTV VMAs (Video Music Awards. Awards given to artists for their music videos by a television network that has nothing to do with music.) This thing was a shit show if you didn't see it. First off, MTV hosted this thing at the Barclays Center, officially wiping any credibility Brooklyn still had as a tough city right off the fucking map. In Marine Park in the 70's, my mother had to wrap bicycle chains around her hands when she would walk home from school just in case the Irish kids up the street were pissed off because their parents were alcoholics and wanted to pick a fight with a little Italian girls. Nowadays you go to Brooklyn if you're allergic to gluten but still want to find a bakery that makes fluffy cupcakes. What happened? Second off, MTV reunited NSYNC for 8 seconds which sparked arguments in my head all night about whether or not I think their music is good (spoiler alert, I think it stinks because I'm not 13 anymore) .  Third of all, and most importantly, MTV gave us an up close and personnel look at the most anxiety inducing performance of the decade, by the loudest voice of the most lackluster and dimwitted generation of Americans ever.

     Miley Cyrus was transported to the Barclays Center stage in a giant teddy bear (a reference I still do not understand, given her new....whatever she's doing) and emerged from it's womb, scantily clad in a plastic leotard. Listen though, I'm not going to explain the entire performance it's too exhausting, just peep it here until Viacom takes this video down. The only thing you really have to know is that Robin Thicke came out in a black peppermint suit form the 1960's and looked completely uninterested as Miley rubbed up on him in an effort to get #Thicke.

     Let me state my case right now before we dig deeper as we always do. I have no problem with what Miley is doing to her career and her hair and apparently her vagina. Frankly I don't really care. It's her mouth, she can say what she wants to. In fact, Noisy killed it again and ran a great post (that you can read here) that made a lot of good points in her defense. However, that is not going to stop me from slandering the shit out of her on the internet LOLZ.

    My big problem with her doing what she's doing is that she doesn't even look comfortable doing it. As "edgy" as her new image is, it in no way feels sincere. You can see it in the way she moves that there's a palpable awkwardness to just about every step she takes. Ma, how are we going to believe that you're a thirsty, lip licking deviant if all of your moves look rehearsed. It's like her family rallied together at this meeting in their giant ranch because they're so "country" (Mickey Mouse payed for that shit by the way) and her mother choreographed these "hot" moves she learned from Van Halen videos in 1984 into a step by step routine. You can see it when the performance starts at :18. It's like she forgets to stick her tongue out while she's walking down the stairs and then remembers that it's part of the routine (either that or she's too stupid to walk down stairs and stick her tongue out at the same time, which is possible). Then she continues to sensually stroke her pony tail, or at least the area of her head where a ponytail would be because apparently she forgot that she didn't have one, but had to get the move in so she didn't mess the routine up. This brings me to my second point.

     I don't understand why people are appalled by this. It's not appalling, it's just embarrassing. It's literally uncomfortable to watch no matter how old you are or what gender class you belong to. This is what corporate America has created. She's a cash cow and this isn't her own decision to do this shit, trust me. Someone in the Cyrus camp choked down the reality that this bitch just isn't that talented and now they're shoe horning her into a genre of music where you really don't have to be that talented to be successful, hip hop. All you need in hip hop is a dope beat and an attitude, but Miley doesn't actually have an attitude, someone just made one up for her and now we are all laughing (we are laughing at you, Miley). She's just a nerd, plain and simple. She has 0 natural sexual prowess, and I would put money down that she's never actually been penetrated because people who actually break a little piece off don't act like this, but you know who has had tons of sex? ROBIN MOTHERFUCKING THICKE who walked out on stage to go through the motions to get his paycheck (just look at how he walks, my man just got it like that).

    Who the FUCK thinks this is sexy or hot? There is not a man on this planet that isn't eeked out by this. Miley is the text book drunk girl at the bar. She's the type that takes shots and dances on tables, but that's not enough attention for her, so she finds other girls to make out with and tries to rub their titties and shit like that, which is fine these days. The problem is that guys don't want to be anywhere near those girls because they are fucking embarrassing, and if your mother knew you were hanging out with them she would be pretty, pretty, pretty pissed off that you lowered your standards this low in public. If she was a friend of a friend that you met simply by chance while socializing and she started acting like this in public you'd be like "What the fuck is this girl doing? Can you tell her to stop?"Even Robin Thicke looked completely disinterested when Miley, and her Neo-Nazi haircut started rubbing her vagina all over him. She wanted to be #Thicke, but she is sooooo not #Thicke.

I'm going to be in Staten Island tonight at 9 at The Full Cup so come see me, fam. Hit me up on Twitter and Facebook @mikecoscarelli.

PEACE

FREDDY MERCURY HAD A GIANT DICK AND COMMANDS YOUR RESPECT

         So yesterday I was paroozing the depths of Noisey.com (shout out to Noisey because their music coverage is superb) and I found this article. This is pretty fucking cool, I have to say. I've never been overly into Queen, or MJ (shut up and get your "why not?" shit out of my face. I don't have to like Queen or Michael Jackson) but I can get behind this because whatever album these duets come out on will crush on the charts and be 10 times better than Miley Cyrus and her cry for help. The story is funny because OF COURSE Michael Jackson brought a llama to the recording sessions because he was a fucking weirdo because his dad used to ram shoehorns up his asshole if he wanted a break from dance rehearsal. The main point of this is that I always had some respect for Freddy Mercury, he's a talented guy and made a mustache look as cool as someone could make a mustache look, but when Noisey posted this picture yesterday, the respect was elevated to the major league level.

     FREDDY MERCURY WAS STACKED BRO. Holy shit. It looks like he had been stuffing cereal bowls into his Levi's. I understand why his band was named Queen. Most people think it was because he was gay. Gay=Queen. Nope. His band was named Queen because no matter how silly his band name was he still wore leather jackets and had a bigger dick than you, so call a cab and head home cousin because you have no ammunition.

     How did I miss this? Were there signs that I missed when I was 12? Was there evidence?
Yep.

     BOOM

ELTON JOHN KNOWS

DARTH VADER DICK

LEOTARD DICK

     Holy mackerel. I wish I was around to hang out with him, he was probably the coolest guy. Guys with monster rods are always super cool because they have tons of confidence and nothing to prove. He would never like, try to challenge me to a foot race to see who the superior alfa male is like my uncle Sonny. Just a guy you could hang with. Maybe go to the gym and do some jumping jacks with, get a nice sweat going. I just would have liked to give him a high five. Game recognizing game, you know?

     So next time you breeze through Queen in your Itunes library, stop and listen to "Don't Stop Me Now", because Freddie could have fucked your mom, OR your dad. Respect.

THE TOKEN "MAGNA CARTA HOLY GRAIL" REVIEW BECAUSE I'M A WHITE PERSON WHO LIKES RAP

       So to start off, this has been a pretty big month for rap music by the numbers. Wale, J Cole, and Kanye moved some units. Problem is, I don't listen to J Cole because the only thing he raps about is graphic details of sexual encounters that just make me uncomfortable because I have sex with the lights off in complete silence, and Wale thinks he's Socrates. He's the only rapper I've ever heard that spends 2 minutes on every track before his beat kicks in to make a Dr. Seuss rhyme about monogamy, or whatever shit he's trying to sound profound talking about. He's like a walking musical Aesop Fable. So as far as I'm concerned, both of those guys suck. I had my hopes up for "Yeezus" because Kanye's child was born that week, and that was just marketing genius, meaning his album had to be good right? WRONG. Holy shit this thing was a heap of garbage. Just incoherent blabber from a man who clearly just has his head up his own ass at this point and has nothing left to say because he's rich, arrogant, and fucking crazy as cat shit.

      Needless to say I was pretty pissed off until I started seeing these Samsung commercials for Jay's new album. Jay+Rick Rubin+ Swizz Beats+ black and white filter= cool commercial. Then I started remembering that a lot of Jay's albums kind of suck (shoutout to "Kingdom Come") and I got nervous. I couldn't handle another let down, not after fucking "Yeezus" which I've embraced as the biggest musical disappointment of my life (because it sucked THAT badly). I was having panic attacks, guy. "WHAT IF TIMBALAND'S BEATS SOUND EXACTLY LIKE THOSE NELLY FURTADO BEATS?"......."WHAT IF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TRIES TO RAP ON HIS FEATURE?"......."WHAT IF NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE?" (That one has nothing to do with the album. My therapist and I are working it out, we'll get there). 

      I heard the album for the first time on Saturday night in my friend's car (shoutout to Ryan Cisek) because he has a Samsung S whatever it is, and I loved it. Unfortunately, I was drunk as hell, and when I'm drunk as hell I also love fat bitches, Hawaiian shirts, and sandwiches deep fried in sandwiches.  Clearly I had to give it another, un-beer-biased listen, and I did.

     THE VERDICT--------Better than fucking "Yeezus".

    No shit this thing was going to be better than "Yeezus", I just can't get over how pissed off I still am at Kanye for thinking this thing was good and releasing it to the public.

   In all honesty, I do really like "Magna Carta Holy Grail". I'd put it in the top 3 and I'm going to get fucking reamed out for my opinion for this, but hear me out.  "Reasonable Doubt" is obviously his best, and I think, "The Black Album" is number 2. Yes. I think "The Black Album" is better than "Blueprint". "Blue Print" is still bad ass but "The Black Album" is just splattered with Just Blaze and Kanye in their hay day and that goes a long way for me. This album is his best in the last 10 years, hands down. The reason why I think it's so good is that Jay is acting his age. He's not rapping about moving weight anymore, or guns, or (insert rap stereotype here). The argument is that that content makes lyrics more interesting, but if you're not really doing it, isn't it worse to pretend? Wouldn't we be more mad if Jay was rhyming about how he's still out in streets when we fucking know he's a business man with an office and a daughter now? That shit would be ridiculous. He's 43. He's an adult, he shouldn't be making dance tracks anymore, he shouldn't be rapping about dew rags anymore. He's a rich middle aged dude, and that's what he's giving you. I'm a fan of honesty, and that's exactly what I got from the album.

  The good thing about being Jay-Z is that your boys bring their A-game when you're putting an album together. Pharrell, Timbaland, Swizz Beats throw some wild beats on this thing. People are talking reckless about "BBC" and they say it's a weak beat but I think that's bullshit. I also think Nas bodies the track and it makes me happy seeing him on anyone's albums because I still believe he's the best rapper alive. My favorite thing about Jay-Z though, is his sheer power and influence. He reminds the whole world that he's above the current trends, condemning them, kind of. He goes after Miley Cyrus (aka Nazi haircut) and her stupid obsession with twerking, and the use of molly in "Tom Ford", because once again, he's 43. If he was taking club drugs that'd be pretty fucking pathetic, and I know that I started this thought with his power and influence, so I'll tie it back in right now, but I need a new paragraph, guy.

  He's the top of the food chain, and sets the trends instead of trying to fall in line with the rap cliches. Nothing about turning up, nothing about molly, or lean, or racks....unless he's making fun of it. I honestly think you're going to see some hip hop trends die out a little bit because Jay makes them sound silly on the album. Don't believe me? Remember when T-Pain had "beef" with Jay because of the autotune craze that was happening in hip hop at the time? Well it happened. Then Jay released "DOA" (Death of Autotune) in 2009 when "Blue Print 3" came out, and I haven't heard a peep from T-Pain since then. He ended a man's CAREER with one song. I mean I'm sure T-Pain is still playing colleges and shit like that, but shawty isn't snappin' the way he used to be.

Anyway, I'm buying this thing when I get paid Monday, and it's worth the listen for sure, so check it out. Let me know what you think, hit me up on Twitter and Instagram- @mikecoscarelli, and like the Facebook page. The podcast hiatus is over, and I got new episodes coming for you guys next week, and HIT THAT FOLLOW BUTTON.

PEACE OUT
 

THE DAY THE BLOG GOT POLITICAL

      Happy 4th yall. Hope you're funneling some sort of alcohol sucking down a few Sabrett's. As you can see by the title I'm shifting gears for a moment. We all knew this day was coming, let's be real. I talk way too much shit about young Hollywood, and the music business to not weigh in on the disgusting behavior of regular human beings, and June has been a big month for that. Before I start with the slander, you need to know my political views. I consider myself a middle-ist (just made this shit up right now, holla back). I make my efforts to see every situation as rationally as possible. I'm conservative sometimes. I'm liberal other times. For example, I go heavy for gay rights because c'mon man, it's really none of my business who is sucking what. On the flip side of that, people on welfare gotta go out and try to find a job because my taxes are paying for their 6 oz carton of chocolate milk. See what I'm saying? So here we go. The first political opinion of my "journalistic career." So can I get a drum roll? Please? No? Because it's a blog? Gotcha.

     Edward Snowden is a rotten, scumbag traitor. Holy shit I cannot believe that this is happening right now. This is possibly the biggest scandal of my life thus far. You can argue Clinton...I guess. Let's be real though, the Clinton thing always just circles back to the fact that the most powerful man in the world got his dick sucked by an intern at work, because he's the most powerful man in the world and he should be able to get his dick sucked by an intern at work. Doesn't seem like such a big deal to me seeing as how Henry VII be-headed 3 of his wives and started his own religion. When you really compare the two, Clinton's rub and tug seems pretty microscopic.

     The facts of this shit storm are still bubbling to the surface because all the 24 hour news networks are having a giant bukaki over the juiciness of the story and forgetting to bring credible news to the airwaves. The basics of what I've been able to gather from all this is that this shifty eyed muppet spilled the beans on standard US, and UK security practices. The information that he turned over to the press was about 3 major NSA surveillance programs, PRISM, MAINWAY, and Boundless Informant. The overview of these programs was that the government was asking Verizon and AT&T and all these other phone companies for phone records. Not transcripts. Just records. Like when you get your phone bill and you can see who you called at what time..... basically the NSA had our phone bills. I could call prostitutes for regular appointments, but if you look at my monthly statement, unless the number is 1-800-NIPPLES (that's 1---800-N-I-P-P-L-E-S) you would have no clue who I was calling. The only time the government would be able to tap your phone, and this is information that has been submitted into grand juries and written into law, is with a warrant. Basically, if you're calling certain area codes too often that look out of the ordinary, the NSA would go get a warrant and tap your phone to make sure nothing fishy is going on.

    First of all.....so what? Didn't we kind of have an idea this was happening in the first place? Haven't the vast technological advances since 9/11 been paramount in stopping and containing these goddamned terror attacks? There are cameras all over Times Square, CAMERAS. You want to bitch about that too? There are people literally keeping tight surveillance on 9 blocks in New York City watching every single fart blown from 41st street to 50th street in between 7th and 8th Avenue. Aren't cameras worse? They can actually see you and what your shitty face looks like, but obviously you're not going to complain because the NYPD busted a guy with a bomb in his car in 2010 and we averted a devastating crisis that would have killed tons of people. The same thing happened in Boston (shout out to Boston) with these scumbags who bombed the marathon. They had an ID on them in a day and a half. We don't complain about that because it's a good idea that keeps people safe in a world that is just soup to nuts fucking crazy.

     Hippies and radical libs are calling this guy a hero, further proving how stupid hippies are. In their granola, candyland minds, the world needs more hugs and scented jasmine tea and life is just one big drum circle, and if we're lucky maybe Sting (I call him Stink, because he stinks) will sit in and throw some good vibes our way. I got news for you cousin, as cute as all that shit sounds and as ideologically sincere those ideas might be, people want to blow us the fuck up. We no longer live in a time where we can just give people the benefit of the doubt.  Dudes are walking into airports with plastic explosives in their jockeys. Obviously they shouldn't do that because it harshes our buzz bruh, but they do, so we have to put cameras next to the Roxy Delicatessen and keep an eye on people's phone bills.

    The other side of the argument seems to be coming more from the right. Some people on the left are bringing this up also, so I won't leave them out, but apparently people are talking reckless amounts of shit about the government and the administration. Bush did the same shit, first off, and if you don't think he did, you're crazy. Kennedy, and Lincoln, and FDR would have done the same thing if they had a heavy threat cloaked in invisibility like we do right now. (The irony of this is that Kennedy and Lincoln were shot in the fucking face by civilians that could have been eavesdropped on in 2013.) These are the drawbacks of living in a nation that is a super power, and if someone could please explain this to fuck face Tom Morello who constantly has this "woe is me" complex with the government, that'd be gr8.

   
   Canada doesn't have this problem, because no one gives a shit about Canada. Are they French? Are they English? They like hockey? No one knows. No one cares. If you want to live in a non confrontational, mediocre (and that's generous) country, pack your shit, bring a coat, make sure you have money for crepes, and get on the Amtrak to your new life. 

 Snowden himself is a man who took an oath of secrecy and then just decided to be an Indian giver with government secrets. When someone is given a job involving any sort of government intelligence like this they take their oath for a reason. If everyone knew all the moves our military and defense agencies were making, it wouldn't be intelligence, it would be trivia. The government is there to protect us, and sometimes it takes liberties. For you to make an effort to be apart of the bureaucratic machine by entering the military as a special forces operative (the original plan, until fart head broke both of his legs during a training exercise) and not know this going in is just silly. You mean to tell me that homeboy was going to secretly kill people under the veil of darkness on foreign soil, but handing over phone bills to the government clouds his conscience? Get that shit out of here, b. Just look...at his stupid....face.

     The more you dig into his psychology the more he looks like a total asshole. He thought he'd be a national hero, and it kind of seems like the results are split amongst U.S. citizens. Just look at this quote.  

   "I have no intention of hiding who I am because I know I have done nothing wrong."

    This is a quote from the guardian in regards to Snowden's actions. A quote that came out while he was hiding out in China. So to reiterate, "I got nothing to hide, b......but if you need me, I'll be hanging out on the farthest possible point on the Earth from the people that would want to put me in jail." I don't know about you, but if I did some wild shit that I wasn't afraid of getting in trouble for, I'm still going to Zarro's in Penn Station before work to get my coffee, and carrying out my day as usual because I have no fear of being called in for questioning. Then to make things worse, he flies up to Russia (who is kind of still our enemy on the low) and meets with top officials over there. Then to make things even more worse, he expresses his interest to fly down to Cuba which is 20 miles away from Florida (Cuban missile crisis, ayyyyyy). Snowden, my guy, you have to understand how this could like like you were selling secrets to people that might want to be top banana on planet Earth. 

     He has applied for asylum now in 20 nations, and no one wants a piece because they don't want green berets at their border tearing shit to pieces at 3 AM, so I'm happy. If you did nothing wrong, come home and face the music dude.

    To be fair, I wouldn't truly be in the middle if I didn't listen to some other opinions from people who know what's going on. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Hit me up and lemme know. 

@mikecoscarelli- Twitter and Instagram
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The podcast comes back next, so be sure to check that out too. Happy 4th once again, and much love to anyone who put eyeballs on this.

PEACE.

TIM DUNCAN IS THE MOST SWAGGERLESS HUMAN BEING ON EARTH

 

     Hey fam. The NBA Finals are over. People are mad though because the Spurs lost. The thought process is that the Spurs "play the game of basketball the way it was meant to be played.....LIKE A TEAM." Give me a fucking break please. They are the most boring team on earth to watch. They play the game like my grandfather and 4 of his friends do. Firm chest passes around the perimeter to other white men with doo wop hair cuts. Just atrocious to watch in the year 2013 man. Blake Griffin jumps over people and tea bags their eyeballs with his scrotum, why would I be excited about Manu Ginobli and his absurd bald spot playing stymied defense on Norris Cole in the 2nd quarter of a home game in San Antonio, a city that literally has 0 business harboring an NBA team to begin with. Fuck Texas up the ass with their bullshit about trying to secede from the country every 8 years.

     In any case, I didn't watch much of the finals. Because I am a Knicks fan, I hate both of these teams with an infinite fury despite roster. The Heat were a bunch of thugs in the 90's who used to hide razor blades in their sweatbands and try to cut Charlie Ward's nipples off, and The Spurs stopped Patrick Ewing from getting a ring in '99 and that made me cry because I was 10, but my hatred for one person has remained constant throughout his career. Tim Fuckin' Duncan.
 

Tim Duncan, aka Robot Jones, aka the black Gumby, aka Admiral Killjoy, is the ring leader of this let's use the backboard dogshit basketball the Spurs have been playing for almost 2 decades. Every body talks about Duncan every year saying what a surprise it is that his numbers are good, and that's because no one will watch the Spurs play a single game of 1890's style fundamental Canadian basketball except for people who live in San Antonio who were able to sneak the game in in between cleaning their guns and planning the uprising. It looks like Duncan found a book in the library on basketball, read it, and just picked up a ball on the court and started figuring out the geometric flight paths of the ball off the glass. Absolutely 0 physical play from a man who came up in an era of basketball that featured fist fights and excelsior levels of shit talking. His actual real life voice sounds like when black comedians make fun of white people because we pay our taxes on time and take out life insurance policies to protect our children financially in case Meryl Lynch folds and we jump out the window. I couldn't even imagine the on the court conversations between Duncan and mental giant, Shaq, with his droll ogre pattern of speech.

Shaq- "Nice shot back there stupid. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put my mouth on yo momma's pussy lips after the game. We're going to have a really nice time in my Rhode Island sized Superman bed."

Duncan- "Well that's not very nice Shaquille. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take your mother out for a very nice dinner at Spargo, because she deserves to be treated like a lady. Then I will fill her uterus with my seed, and in 9 months when our child is harvested, I will enroll him into private school and start an orange ING account with a modest interest rate so he can go to a top university."

     Besides being the most unenthusiastic living organism on the basketball court at any given time, his behavior off the court is abhor ant, and by that I mean it's not rowdy enough. In my opinion, it's absolutely bananas to me that the NBA, NFL, and MLB fine players for touchdown dances, and doing dumb bullshit off the field of play. Never ever forget that we gravitate to all of these athletes because they are entertainers, plain and simple airgo, their personalities are what attract us to them. This can even raise the bar on some athletes career. Everyone knows Ron Artest. Is it because he has hall of fame numbers? No. It's because some scumbag in Detroit tried to get cute and pour a beer on his head, so Artest (being from the Queensbridge projects. Don't fuck with Queens) ran into the stands, and PUNCHED this dude in the fucking face. Talk about a standout personality. Some people like the blue collar (white) guy who brings his fucking lunch to work in a brown bag because he's barely good enough to be on the practice squad, but he runs 10 extra suicides in practice to dress on Sunday because he doesn't wanna go back and work at the steel mill. I personally like Deon Sanders wearing gold chains and feathers fucking every model that comes within 50 feet of him. Think about it, who's more entertaining?

    You know who's not entertaining? Tim ASSFACE Duncan. How am I supposed to admire a man who makes 9.6 million dollars a year and buys all of his clothe off the clearance rack at Sears? He shows up to every fucking press conference like he just jumped out of a mid 90's R and B video. LOOK AT HIM!

        The Timberland store in the mall by my house closed like, 2 years ago or so, and I feel like it's because Tim Duncan came to town to play the Nets and decided to go shopping. Then a bunch of people saw him walk out of the Timberland store and people started muttering to each other "Is that how we're going to look? Holy shit no thanks," then BAM. Timberland lands right in the shit house.

         In any case, the Heat took home the hardware the other night, and I'm ok with it I guess because I'm warming up to Lebron again. He's kind of becoming an arrogant dickhead, and he should be because no one is even close to him on a talent level, so I'm down with that. Basketball season is over, and the Mets suck dick, so this will probably be the last sports rant you get from me for a little while.

Follow me on Twitter and Vine @mikecoscarelli. Subscribe to the blog and the podcast, and it's the weekend, so go out and get some hand jobs and hard liquor, baby.

PEACE

MARATHONS ARE STUPID

         What's happening? I graduated college. It took me 6 years but I finally got out of academic prison. I'm like the Van Wilder of north jersey without any of the swagger or appeal to other human beings in any way. In any case you caught me in a momentary lapse where my time is being spent writing this and attempting to steal Kanye West albums off the internet machine instead of job hunting.
        Someone asked me yesterday if I wanted to participate in the Tough Mudder, and then I had a record breaking eye roll that was visible from Neptune. Why the fuck would anybody want to be a part of any of these horrific death races? Especially when there's no altruistic endeavor involved. Charity runs make sense at least, but those are stupid as well. Stop running and write a check already dude, kids have autism and hangnails and shit.

Tough Mudder- Just look at this motherfucking website. Their tagline is literally "Probably the toughest event on the planet." Please Tough Mudder PR team, go ahead and pat yourself on the back a little fucking harder. Your event is probably way harder than guerrilla warfare, launching a rocket into space, or childbirth, you're right.  If anyone on this planet needs more evidence than fossils to prove that we're descendants of monkeys, just flip on this video and watch thousands of juiced up men and "women" pound their fucking fists in the mud like a bunch of damn silver back apes. Sponsored by Under Armour, Wheaties, and domestic violence, this gay romp through wet dirt comes complete with violent groans and maneuvering through barbed wire. This is the kind of thing that people who love energy drinks and desert painted Jeep Wranglers mark on their calenders so they can plan their cycle intake of Jack'd 3D accordingly and have a reason to wear their brand new Tapout compression shorts in public. I get enough of that bullshit at any New Jersey beach without doing over the top physical activity, and the difference is I don't have to peel off dried mud from the inside of my asshole when I leave.

New York Marathon- By far the most noble of the marathons. Most major cities have one but mine is obviously New York so as far as I'm concerned it's the dopest. This one makes the most sense. People come from like Trinidad and Tobago, and Iran, to Irun this fucking race. The purse is big (if you're Kenyan enough to win the race) and the city basically goes on lock down with cool bar crawls because of how much attention it brings all the local businesses, but just look at this map.

 GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD DAMN (Chris Tucker voice). You run through each of the 5 boroughs, even the ones that don't count (shout out to Staten Island and the boogie down), and you have to run across the Verrazano bridge. HO-LEE-SHIT, would you get a load of this?

I get anxiety DRIVING over this bridge, yet alone packing myself onto it with 30,000 people wearing day glo tank tops and fanny packs.  If you sign up for this marathon you have to commit to spending your entire day running, just running. No dirty water dogs, no sex in the city tour. This is it. That's a pretty heavy commitment. 

Color Run-Like a roving Ke$ha concert, the Color Run pops into most major cities leaving runners looking like they just took a money shot from a cartoon character. Nothing like having dried chalk thrown at you when you are hemorrhaging sweat from every pore in your body, right? You can literally just run up on someone and smash this shit in someone's face like they deserved some kind of punishment. This is the me generation dictating that WE WON'T EXERCISE UNLESS IT IS FUN AND COLORFUL.  

Zombie Run- If you love full throttle cardio vascular workouts while simultaneously having panic attacks, the zombie run is the race for you. Let's be clear right from the get go. If you're one of those people that talk about "The Zombie Apocalypse" you're a nerd and your friends don't like you. There will never be a zombie apocalypse, it cannot happen. Stop telling people that if it happens you need to have pounds of iodized salt to fight zombie infection and an underground bunker. There is no strand of disease that will turn people into zombies. There is no angle that the moon can hit to rise decaying bodies from the grave. Just shut the fuck up and watch more episodes of "Doctor Who" in your bunker filled with Gushers and Ragu tomato sauce and leave the rest of us alone. The only way this race would actually be appealing would be if the zombies were somehow real, and ate these mouth breathing simpletons so there was more room on the subway for the rest of us. 

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PEACE

WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO GO TO SPACE?

              Wanna go to space? Axe Body spray, aka the official smell of trying too hard, is finally offering the opportunity to go to space to 22 weak men with no taste. Apparently this contest was launched in January, but I pay such little attention to Axe body spray and all of their "kickass" endeavors that it must have slipped by the sonar somehow. I'm glad I caught this when I did though, because this is the dumbest shit I've ever heard of in my 23 years on the life sustaining planet of Earth, where you can actually live.
              I do have to say one thing. This promotion seems right up Axe's alley because their consumers are monumentally stupid. You're talking about a demographic of people who would enter to win in a contest where the grand prize is a power bomb delivered by Randy Couture because chicks dig how "extreme" it is, then Axe sticks you with the medical bills for your ruptured pancreas and broken ribcage. Everyone knows that Axe is the ultimate pussy repellant, and in space, no one can here you scream about how bad your blue balls hurt. So unless this is just a big ploy for Axe to find 22 of their most scandalous, unappealing consumers and maroon them out in the abyss of space as the ultimate pro bono gesture to human kind (which the contestants would just haaaaaaaaave to understand) these guys are in for a surprise.
              What could the appeal possibly be? They understand that it's just black up there right? That once you get up into space, which never ever ever ends, you can see Earth and the moon and that's it. It's not like being in New York, where you look at exactly the right moment on west 35th street and you get a clear shot at the Empire State Building. You don't just look to your right and see Jupiter like it's right down the fucking street. These guys are going to get up to the space station, realize that there's no Jaegermeister or Saturnian space women to dry hump against their will and want to turn around immediately. 

WHY ARE WE MAD AT THE ABERCROMBIE GUY?

   

      I knowwwwwwwwwwwww it's been a minute since you've heard from me. Graduating college is a bitch o saurus rex, but it's over, and now I belong to you. Linguistically, mentally....sexually. I'm all yours 30 readers of my blog. In any case, Abercrombie and Fitch is in the news. Everyone is pissed off at CEO Mike Jeffries for being a rotten asshole and talking shit about fat bitches and how fat they are. The firestorm started when this talking marzipan goblin sat down for an interview with "Salon".........in 2006. That's right, his quote about fat girls has been on the record for almost 10 years now, but because a new book about retail strategies is coming out, the media is knocking the dust off this fat lipped human(?) and his comments. Of course a comment about husky dames is going to spread over the internet like a wildfire, who do you think is patrolling Buzzfeed 24 hours a day? Fat girls are. Tumblr, Pinterest, Blogger (cough, cough) this list goes on, and before all of you hop on the comment board and try to decapitate my writing career, let's look at both sides of this.

        Do you really actually have a right to be mad at him? Let's be real. The fact that he has been so vocal about his shallow values is a HORRIBLE business move. If he's trying to market his shit to "cool kids", then he should know that "cool kids"have influence, and kids in general have all their shit paid for by their parents. Cool, not cool, doesn't matter. 14 year olds are not making enough money umpiring little league baseball games to go out and buy their own $120 jeans at Abercrombie. So no matter what, even if the "cool kids" make the uncool kids (shoutout to myself) want to wear these clothes, liberal, self righteous ass mothers with size 10 daughters are not stepping foot into your store anymore, gringo. They saw Ellen make fun of you on her show, it's a wrap. HOWEVER, just because his business philosophy is flawed, is he not allowed to use it?

      I've got news for you, EVERY reputable fashion designer does this. They give their shit away to celebrities for free so US Weekly can snap a picture of Heidi Klum in UGG boots on 5th Avenue and every housewife in America goes out and drops a c note on ugly sheepskin boots. No designer wants fat bitches in their clothes, that's why Adele shows up to every award show in a flowered moo moo that she picked up in between recording sessions at the closest JC Penny. Versace did the same shit in 2011 when they pulled a campaign with H & M that would have "real" New York women modeling their clothes, but a size 6 was too fat for Donatella Versace and her deep fried chicken face.

     How does any of this surprise you? You mean to tell me that the store that hangs blown up black and white pictures of half naked 19 year olds all over their walls and charges 65 dollars for a T-shirt doesn't want the women's highschool field hockey team shopping in their store? The store synonymous with fraternity guys in white sunglasses looking for date rape pills at 2:30 in the morning doesn't want size tens hanging around the check out counter? Someone please get the defibrillator as fast as you can, I think my heart just went into cardiac arrest from the shock.

     Fat girls, listen to me. I love you, I really do. You guys have fantastic jokes, and you make bomb ass spinach and artichoke dip, but you need to understand that some things are exclusionary because they're just stupid and not cool to begin with. I'm talking about country clubs, the clergy, and now Abercrombie. I know your confidence is already pretty low because you unload your emotions into a basket of curly fries but you should not let a man like Mike Jeffries get you down because he looks like a piece of a mountain that was enchanted by a wizard and given the power of communication.

      He is the most hideous living thing on planet earth. He resides on the lowest level of the hideous pyramid along with possums, mules, naked mole rats, and horseshoe bats. There is no defending this man in the ugly category. It looks like he left a sandwich on his face at the beach and seagulls came and ate his skin off. We're talking about a man who is approaching the tender age of 70, and still wears flip flops to work because college is cool and who wants to grow up?

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PEACE

PODCAST EPISODE 6 UP NOW ON MIXCLOUD

THE NOBLARI BROTHERS ARE ON MY PODCAST TODAY. LISTEN ON MIXCLOUD RIGHT NOW. THERE'S A BUTTON ON THE BLOG. IT'S AT THE TOP.......RIGHT UP IN THAT RIGHT CORNER SOMEWHERE......JUST FIND IT.

ADAM LEVINE IS THE KEWLEST

       
        PSYCHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm kidding, Adam Levine is far from the coolest. They call that Gotcha Journalism. I lured you in with a headline that might appeal to young women, lets say, ages 17-35 (key advertising demographic, HOLLLLLLA). Adam Levine is in fact a tremendous dork. Somehow he's fooled every girl my age into thinking he's a cool, sexy rock star (because they're all stupid) despite his obnoxiously goofy behavior.
        I seriously cannot wrap my head around this. I GET IT, he does yoga for 6 hours a day and is very skinny, and facially attractive, but his personality is eccentrically misleading. I've never in my life seen someone who wants you to think he's cool so badly, more than this guy (See any of the mess of tattoos on his body). 
        I've felt this way for a while, but the story is relevant now because in the last week Levine swore off marriage because he's just gettin' soooooo much pussssssssssay. He's 34 and is just getting way too much pusssssssssssssssay to ever even consider settling down because dying alone has such an overwhelming worldwide mass appeal. The biggest shock from this is that I thought for sure Adam loved himself enough to want to bless the world with a gaggle of vanilla chai tea drinking, scented candle purchasing, shirtless Levine children. 
     

       He is the ultimate example of the guy who was too much of a dork to get laid for most of his life then took the glasses off at 24, and started having sex with everyone and didn't know how to be cool about getting laid. He's the guy that sticks a finger in on a Friday night and then shows up for his 1 P.M.-10 P.M shift at Best Buy the next day without showering and tells everyone that he hooked up the night before and if they don't believe him they can smell his finger. He's not Ryan Gosling.

         This one I GET ladies. Just look at him.......holy shit. He's breathtaking. You can tell this dude's been getting pussy his whole life. It's like when you score a touchdown and your coach tells you not to do an endzone dance and act like you've been there. This dude acts like he's been there all over town. He's a gunslinger. He's shows up, takes care of his business and keeps his mouth shut. He's the dude at Best Buy who stays out of people's business, and doesn't flirt with any of the girls but on the low he's secretly smashing EVERYONE in between making astounding sales of CD stereos which are irrelevant with today's technology. The greatest evidence of this is the body of work. Gosling has a constant flow of great movies from the start of his career until this moment in time. This proves that girls are not a priority, but a perk, in this dude's life. Look at the list of consistency.

-"Remember The Titans" (His first American movie B-T-Dubs)
-"Half Nelson"
-"Crazy, Stupid, Love"
-"Blue Valentine"
-"Drive"
-"The Ides of March"
and "The Place Beyond The Pines" looks fucking sick. Let's look at Levine's level of creative decline on the pussy meter.

2002 "Songs About Jane"- Great album. Memories of my freshman year of highschool are creeping into my brain right now just thinking about it. "Harder to Breathe", "She Will Be Loved", "This Love", and "Sunday Morning" all came from this album. All 4 of those songs were chart topping hits, and Levine wrote most of the songs. The lyricism is excellent (especially by today's pop music standards).  Check the opening verse from "She Will Be Loved".

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else"

Paints a picture, but it's simple, and flows perfectly with the song. Clearly Levine had tons of time and focus to write a great song.

Pussy meter level -1
He probably had like a steady girlfriend from highschool or something. Gettin' a little. The way a normal, young, Jewish guy (because he is Jewish by the way, like Sandy Kaofax) would. Gettin' enough to still put a good piece of music together that has some kind of meaning and reason to be.


 2007 "It Won't Be Soon Before Long"- Less good, but there are some ok songs on here, most notably "Wake Up Call". Wake up call tells a story about a dude's girlfriend cheating on him with a another guy, so he tries to kill them. Kind of cool. Catchy hook. This is also the first time we here the new big bad Adam using the word fuck in a song in the lyrics for "Makes Me Wonder". Uh oh. There's a storm a brewing.

Pussy Meter-4
This was the beginning, the catalyst. Like Nicholson sitting at the bar for the first time in The Overlook Hotel, talking a to a bartender that didn't exist. The ball gets moving and now Levine is starting to spend less time on his dorky feelings and his music, and a little more time at Pacha showing off his Birkenstocks to 20 year old girls.

2010 "Hands All Over"- The sexuality is no longer a secret. Just look at this cover.........kind of makes you uncomfortable doesn't it? Clearly Adam got laid 4 times in a week on a beach somewhere, popped into the studio and was like "All of this music is going to be about naked ladies and sex, because I want people to know how much I'm fucking" Just look at the lyrics to moves like Jagger

"Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you (Uh)
Kiss me 'til you're drunk
And I'll show you"

He's not even trying anymore. A lyric in this song should have been "I promise you I will put my penis in one of the holes in your body if we dance, and I'll fuck you no matter how much weight you've been gaining Christina Aguilera." This obviously was also the same time "The Voice" aired on NBC, which was a perfect opportunity for Levine to show off his extensive collection of white t-shirts, because why should a grown man ever wear a shirt with buttons or sleeves on national television?

Pussy Meter- 8
He's getting there

2012- "Overexposed" And Beyond
BAM, he's here. This is tiger forearm tattoo, covered in body oils, refusing to shave Adam Levine. Overexposed sounds like the perfect name for this album. I get it Adam, tattoos and Budha and Tantric sex yada yada, cool it down. Here are the lyrics to "One More Night".

"Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell."

"HEY EVERYONE. I HAVE LOTS OF SEX I SWEAR IT.  LOOK AT MY LYRICS!" What happened man? 10 years and someone goes from a talented wordsmith, to this? AND WHY IS HE SINGING THE HOOK TO 50 CENT SONGS? He looks like an adult Pinocchio, he has no business standing next to 50 who is a giant silverbacked gorilla singing hooks to songs about street struggle.
Pussy Meter- OVERLOAD 

Anyway, that's my piece. I can say what I want about him, but realistically I'm sitting in a library picking my nose and writing this shit while he's out there racking up the checks and wearing white t shirts designed by John Galiano that he got for free......so who really wins here?

PEACE
 

PODCAST EPIDOSE 4- MIKE CUPOLO NOW ON MIXCLOUD

GO GO GO CHECK IT OUT NOW ============================================>

http://www.mixcloud.com/WHITEPEOPLECANTDANCE/white-people-cant-dance-ep-4-mike-cupolo/

JENNA MARBLES IS JUST THE WORST

      YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO......What's up? Unfortunately I got no podcasts ready to go til the end of this week so we're gonna have to stick to text for a couple of days. I know right. It's frowny face city up in this bitch :( :( :( :( :(. In any case, what the fuck man? Maxim released the voting for their 2013 Hot 100 sometime in the last weekend or week or something (I don't know because I don't do research). Mike Flynn sent me the list, and as usual I used my vote to write in Da Brat. As I was skimming the list of other losers on that are not nearly as hot as Da Brat, I saw that Maxim chose to acknowledge the existence of Jenna Marbles for this list. I don't know why. This list is usually reserved for Hollywood starlets, like Jennifer Lopez and Paula Poundstone. Last time I checked, Miss Marbles was a moderately attractive (lets call her a midwest-8, and a New York-5) blogger, famous for making videos rambling about dumb bullshit (kind of like this) over the internet. Look I'm not saying I'm better than Jenna Marbles, because that's not really up to me that's up to people reading our shit, but come on dude. This bitch is the worssssssssssst. Just look at her. Someone was clearly starved for attention as a child and now spends her free time drawing old timey pencil thin mustaches on her face with thin tipped sharpie markers.

    Her voice gives me night terrors. She's that girl at the party that every boy avoids because she's the loudest most annoying head in the room, but she's too smart to let you fuck her at some point the same night of the party, so there's no point in being anywhere near her. Usually annoying girls are stupid, so if you put an hour and a half in, you might get a blow job at Ta Ta's Pizza after leaving the house party on the Rutgers campus, so it was all worth the ride. But you're gonna make me listen to you do a Captain Crunch impression for 2 hours while I sip this shitty watery keg beer in a dirty basement, and then not break a piece off?......No thanks ma, I'd rather spend the evening being tortured in hell by drunk Hitler.

   I hate that stigma that there are no funny women, because I don't believe it's true. I know funny women. They've been (or are coming) on my podcast. Mary Houlihan, Annie Weiss, Kara Coleman, all funny friends of mine, and all have female reproductive parts that bleed every month (I think).  However, and keep in mind I'm not very good at math, but if according to the transitive property Funny= Jenna Marbles, and Jenna Marbles= Woman, maybe I should re-consider my opinion.

  I didn't want to give in, so I asked around. Just asked around to see who watched these videos. These were the first answers I got.

Question- "Do you watch Jenna Marbles videos?"

Guy friend- "Who the fuck is Jenna Marbles?"

Girl friend- "Ha, of course! She's Hilarious" (exclamation point, mind you)

Question 2- " Can you elaborate on why?"

Girl friend- "Cause she's a real life bitch who makes fun of dumb shit people do, and she's sarcastic as hell".

   So thaaaaaaaaaat's it. Her demographic is ladies. This explains a lot because many of the ladies I know are dumb idiots who like stupid bullshit. This transitive equation makes much more sense to me. Jenna Marbles= Woman, Woman=Uninteresting. Of course you all think this girl is funny, you think painting your nails is a fun activity. Here's the deal ladies, you might like each other, and that's cute it really is, but in terms of social company men do not value sparkling conversation with you because we truly enjoy it. We indulge because we understand we have to co exist with you and it's better to know a girl that enjoys Fleetwood Mac, instead of one that is constantly shrieking in your ear about whatever Courtney and Khloe did in Philadelphia, or whatever fucking city those two gentrified whores are "Taking Over" this month. Also for the record, there are no famous "real life bitches". The closest is Lena Dunham and that'll be the only one for the next 200 years in modern civilization. She slipped through the cracks somehow (shoutout to "Girls" though because that show is great). People like to say this about Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence is not a "real life bitch". She's Hollywood, which is fine. She's more attractive than any girl you know from your neighborhood, and she has an Oscar. "Real" people aren't famous, because "real" people are working at drugstores and diners, and aren't interesting. That's why Hollywood people are famous, because they're special enough to make our shitty, fickle lives look interesting. Interesting is the key word here.

     I started watching this girl's videos pretty hardcore to see what I was "missing", and came to the conclusion that many of them are advice videos made in an effort to first off, be funny (but we won't go there) and second to help girls out with everyday problems, like makeup tutorials and boring shit like that. Ladies, you should know right off the bat not to take advice from another woman because you're all wrong all the time, but we put up with you because you give us children and fill the house with groceries (thanks). This is where I offer my services. Let's look at some of these videos and see if maybe I can do a little better in the advice department.

  " How To Make Pickup Lines, And Hookup Lines", 8 Million Views- This video is irrelevant. Whether you're a boy or a girl, pickup lines are the stupidest shit you can say in conversation. If you're attracted to someone, how about walking over to them like an adult, say "hello", and then engage in a conversation about ANYTHING, instead of saying "Is that a mirror in your pants? Because you look fucking sexual tonight." You may as well have a sign on your back that says "I love Jeff Dunham, don't fuck me because I'm a nerd." Seriously, on any given night there are a zillion things to talk about. Here's 5

Bacon
Alcohol
The State of Israel
Summer Clothes
Hair Styles

and if she's Muslim, you can just say that you hate all of those things, and you're in.

"What Boys Do On The Internet" 11 Million Views- AWW YEA, THE HILARIOUS MUSTACHE THAT MOST BOYS GROW AND STYLE IS BACK. To be fair, I do do a hell of a lot of masturbating to weird porno on the internet, but I don't usually wake up and dress like Super Mario to do so. Chances are this "character(?)" that Jenna is doing is unemployed because he spent the entire day on the internet slamming ham, which for most of us is on a meal like schedule. Having said that, part of his itinerary for the day should have been checking craigslist for a way to get paid. If he doesn't want to do that he's a bum anyway so fuck him. Also some of us have to check things every now and then, like ummmm I don't know, stocks and financial trends to continue to rape and pillage the world's economy and earn money so bitches like you can get 6 college degrees on your pop's dime. (In real life she has a B.A in Psychology, a Masters in Sports Psychology, and a Doctorate in swindling dumb motherfuckers into giving her money).  At 2 minutes into the video, Jenna ditches the hat and it's revealed that it was ACTUALLY her the whole time. I know, I was shocked too because she's such a profoundly skilled method actor that I was lost in her character, kind of like the way I was when I saw Daniel Day Lewis BECOME Lincoln in the movie "Lincoln".  

"White Girls At The Club" 14 Million Viewers- Don't even get me started on the errors in this video. Nothing mentioned up here is exclusive to white girls in a club. If anything, white girls are the easiest, most tame people in the club, with the exception of white guys (me) who get into fist fights with each other strictly out of extreme levels of discomfort and confusion as to why they're in a place they don't belong in to begin with.  All girls are obnoxious as shit in the club. She wants me to believe that white girls get more sloppy drunk and let their tits hang out MORE than latina girls do? Maybe clubs in Buffalo are like that, but any club in New York (you know, a place that matters) that I've ever been to usually closes at 4 am with a gaggle of Dominican bitches rubbing their dirty pussys all over the dance floor in a Mickey Mouse t-shirt 3 sizes too small for them. You're right Jenna, white girls are the only girls who throwup and cry with their friends in a bathroom, and the bright green Topaz I was conceived in ran til it hit 600,000 miles, and the stork drops babies off unexpectedly to unsuspecting parents before the sun comes up each morning. Bitch please, I have seen black girls hit each other so hard in the face at nightclubs that their lipstick changed color. If anything being in a nightclub with a white girl is the best because you know the night is going to end in the bed of a nice house in the suburbs instead of a dirty section 8 housing project in Brownsville.

"Things Girls Don't Understand About Guys" 11 Million Views- In this video, Jenna makes a bunch of cute observations about things guys do. Questions like "Why don't you turn the bathroom fan off for an hour after you take a shit?" or 'How come you don't clean up the hairs in the sink after you shave?" or "Why do you sweat so much at night? I don't get it." The short answer to all of this is please sleep in your own fucking apartment.  I get enough shit at work and once a week on the phone with my mother where I don't need to come home and hear you bitch about why I didn't clean the sink at 6 am before I got on a bus that sat in 2 hours worth of traffic at the Lincoln Tunnel to get to work on time. If you don't like me sweating in bed at night, blame my hormones, pack your shit, and get the fuck out. I'm sure I love sweating at night and not being able to get to sleep while you blast another episode of "Will and Grace" on the Lifetime channel. And that god damned dog. You bring that thing over every night and it eats all my fucking peanut butter and shits on the rug because you keep insisting to me that having him housebroken would be "un-natural".  This is why you haven't met my parents, because you never think before you speak and can't keep your fucking mouth shut for 5 minutes without filling every lapse in conversation with act outs that make everyone uncomfortable. Just let us eat our chicken in peace please, jesus.

      NO MORE, PLEASE NO MORE. I cannot watch another one of these fucking videos, please. She has one that hit 50 million views about how to trick people into thinking you're good looking. ENOUGH, I GET IT. You let this web cam roll for 13 minutes while you do your hilarious "Curb Your Enthusiasm" off the dome type improv that goes nowhere, and 12 year olds see you talk out of the side of your mouth and think you're the best. By the way, this hatred is coming from a man who literally spent Saturday night watching videos of people farting until I went to bed. Jenna just do us all a fucking favor and please, PLEASE go away to the mountains somewhere, and never ever return.

I'll be at Karl's Klipper in Staten Island on Thursday doing a spot on THE BOAT SHOW.  Check it out. Subscribe to the blog,like us on Facebook, and TELL YOUR FRIENDS

PEACE

EVERYTHING DRAKE DOES IS HILARIOUS

       All of you know who Drake is. He's super famous and white women loveeeee him.  I actually respect him a little bit. I like a lot of his music. "Take Care" was a pretty good album. With that aside, the thing I like about him is that people (black people) talk maddddddddd shit about this kid and how soft he is and he still keeps putting out "oooooohhhhh yea, what's happening baby baby?" songs regardless. However, he is like a ticking time bomb of rapper schizophrenia. You can't keep a fucking finger under where he's going. Just look at the list of strange personality changes. "Marvin's Room" is about a drunk phone call to a girl that just clearly doesn't love the Drake (Seinfeld, holla back),  then he has a verse on "Fuckin' Problems", and a verse on "No Lie" about popping pistols, like that would ever happen ever, and every other song is about starting out as a goose egg and making enough money to buy a bunch of chains. Drake let's call it spade to spade here my dude. You seem like a good guy. You probably love your momma, which is nice, but you're not dangerous. There's nothing wrong with not being dangerous. I'm not dangerous. I'm a quarter jewish, and you're ACTUALLY jewish. So what does that say about your level of intimidation? You're a pair of glasses and a bath away from being Woody Allen.
       Drake's level of goofiness is astounding. There's never been a rapper so uncool in the history of rap music. He's like that guy that totally wants to be accepted by his peers so badly he can fool them when he's in their company, but once he's on his own there is no hiding the secretive "Doctor Who" fan underneath that nappy hair. Why don't we examine Drake's timeline of goofiness?

His first exposure was as wheel chair Jimmy on Degrassi- I feel like I don't have to say much about this. His character gets shot and then bound to a wheel chair, despite Canada's strangely effective gun control laws (cough, cough).  So essentially children love him because they grew up with him as this adorable, half a koala bear looking paraplegic on TV.

He reps TORONTO hard as hell for some reason- Stumped on this one. Any chance you could make yourself sound like you came from an easier city? Look at the stats of places tough rappers have come from
Brooklyn- Biggy, Jay-Z, Papoose, Mos Def
Harlem- Max B, Jim Jones, Cam'ron, 50 Cent
Queens- Nas, Mobb Deep, Marley Marl (They are all from the same project building FYI)
Compton- Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Tupac, Ice Cube, The Game
Atlanta- Andre 3000, T.I., Young Jeezy

Nothing says blow shots like the suburbs. Once again I'm not knocking him for being from the suburbs (because so am I) or even for rapping. Just don't tell me you were clapping people up on your block when your block is full of hopscotch squares, and "Children at Play" signs.  You wanna rhyme about girl problems or getting drunk? Fine. I believe that. You're young and fairly attractive despite what a goofy idiot you are. I believe it, but when Biggy put out "Niggas Bleed", a horrifically gruesome first hand account of blowing people away and stealing money from a drug deal, I totally believe that shit happened, and if Big was still alive I would never be writing this shit about him out of honest fear that both my eyeballs may end up ripped out of my head and thrown on the tracks of the F train. The level of goofy gets amplified in these music videos though.

"Started From The Bottom" Music Video-  Just silly
'0:00 seconds- Right from the start this video is stupid. We open on an irrelevant shot of a little black kid playing soccer on a turf field that is never seen again.

':21'- Drake has obviously never heard the rule don't wear white after labor day, or the rule don't wear white, on white, on white, on white, on white ever because you look like a fucking idiot. It's snowing, why are you wearing an all white jumpsuit? Are you going on a secret undercover sniper mission at the North Pole that requires you to blend in to sub arctic environments without being detected? Also, are you that confident that the street your driving/dancing on is empty enough that people won't see what an asshole you look like?

':56'- Who is this Jew combing his straggly beard, rudely burying his face in this black girls tits? Who is he? Is he a comedian? Probably not because comedians are usually funny (not always though, see Mike Coscarelli). Also why did they stop the entire video so this guy can do this intensely uncomfortable bit about medicated lip balm. Then he said dog, actually it's probably dawg, I don't know because I've never had to type it out in English before because it's not a word and stupid to ever try to say if you're a straggly bearded, white Canadian Jew. THEN someone handed him the phone and he called his girlfriend Laquisha, because that joke about black girls names isn't old as fuck at this point. Has anyone EVER met a black girl named Laquisha? I haven't. I've met a shit load of black girls named Ashley though. Why can't her name be Ashley? I know like 22 black girls named Ashley. Any way, this guy got a check for this stupid video and I didn't so whatever I guess.

'2:04'- "WE MADE IT NIGGA, NIGHT MANAGER. GET THE CONFETTI!"

'2:15'- Nice to see that Drizzy made enough cash to take Toronto cosmic bowling at the local Brunswick Lanes. Sounds like a rockstar to me.

'2;51'- How did you get all the way up on that billboard Drake? More importantly, why the hell would you ever want to climb all the way up to the top of a billboard by yourself in the Toronto winter to trot emphatically to and fro on the metal wiring?

'3:11'- Do not touch that goddamned button Drake.

'4:12'- That appears to be a Dominican flag Drake is waving, despite not being even a fraction of a percent Dominican, or from the Bronx (shout out to Mero. Bronx, b)

'4:18'- Another Jew with a shaved head

'5:12'- The credits pop up and we see that Drake had a hand in directing the video, and now it all sort of makes sense.

"Headlines" Music Video- Less silly, but still pretty fucking silly.

'0:00 Seconds'- Once again, our opening shot is just ridiculous. That's Drizzy standing on the infield of the Skydome. The Skydome is where the Toronto Blue Jays play. People in Canada don't know this because they don't care about baseball and that team should be moved somewhere into the states instead of making the Yankees go an extra 4 hours north past Boston on road trips.

':14'- He's wearing wide receiver gloves, like Lil Wayne is about to tell him to "go long" at any moment. Also he's in front of a church. I've never seen two physical properties of mass be so counter intuitive to one another in my life.

'1:27-1:54'- ..........This is nearly 30 seconds of footage of Drake riding up and down in an elevator.  It's like Director X (who shoots all of these shitty MMG and Young Money music videos) ran out of ideas for the video and was just like "Fuck it Drizzy, get in the elevator, b. It's the best we're going to be able to do"

The rest of the video is standard rap bullshit. Cigars and black sweatshirts and what not.

 

"HYFR" Music Video- Where do I even begin?

':03'- A text slide pops on the screen telling us about Drake's Bar Mitzvah. The next slide tells us that he recommitted to the Hebrew faith.....Yea, so?

':13'- ...............Oh, that's why. The music video is a video account of DRAKE'S ADULT BAR MITZVAH. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This song is an acronym for Hell Yea, Fucking Right, and the lyrics are about women swallowing semen. How on earth can this video be about a Bar Mitzvah?

':17'- Drake and 6 of the most Jewish motherfuckers I've ever seen in my life (and I grew up taking weekend trips to downtown Brooklyn, mind you) are just standing in front of a synagogue, ready for "shit to go down". I wonder which one of them handles Drake's books.

':44'- Despite being Muslim, DJ Khaled made it out to the ceremony and wore his finest green sweatshirt to the synagogue (nice of him)

'1:00'- Fatso made a wardrobe change to the much more appropriate red and white varsity jacket, despite being a grown man and not on any varsity teams, not even golf which seems like an easy one to letter in.

'1:24'- Oh my god that fucking cake.

'1:30'- Lil Wayne was so bored that he fell asleep, which sounds about right for most Bar Mitzvahs I've been to, but the gift bags are usually good.

'1:36'- The hora actually made the final cut of the video, and he had to get all the Jews from the beginning of the video to lift him in the chair because black peoplehave no clue what the hora is.

'1:49'- YO FUCK THIS CAKE, B. IT'S MY BAR MITZVAH. GET CRAZY.

'Lil Wayne in general'- He just irks me. He always looks like he dressed in clothes he found somewhere in the dumpster of goodwill, the dumpster. The shit that goodwill deemed un wearable for homeless people is what Weezy is wearing.

'2:49'- The return of this asshole with the beard, who once again received a check for being off putting in a music video.

Like I said, I'm not mad at Drake he's just a hilariously easy target with all the stupid shit that he thinks is cool. Also, put me in one of your videos dude. I can do nothing way batter than that shmuck with the beard.

Keep spreading this thing around, and listening to the Podcast.........I really need some advertising money. I'd LOL but my life is pretty fucked up and sad. Any way, I'll be doing standup at Karl's Klipper in Staten Island on April 4th, so come out and give me money.

PEACE

PODCAST EPISODE 3- MARY HOULIHAN

WHATTTTUP? Episode 3 is now up on mixcloud and it features my buddy, improv actor/standup comic/amateur warlock, Mary Houlihan. Listen to it right here. New writing coming this weekend.

http://www.mixcloud.com/WHITEPEOPLECANTDANCE/white-people-cant-dance-ep-3-mary-houlihan/

PEACE

PODCAST EPISODE 2- THE KID MERO

HERE IT IS EPISODE 2 OF THE PODCAST FEATURING  The Kid Mero. WE'RE ON MIXCLOUD NOW SO FOLLOW US. CATCH IT RIGHT HERE

http://www.mixcloud.com/WHITEPEOPLECANTDANCE/white-people-cant-dance-episode-2-the-kid-mero/

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, THE SHIT OF MY GENERATION

       Really look at this title hard. If you thought I meant this as slander you are way way way wrong. Being the shit is a good thing, and JT is covered in it. I think it's about time I wrote something positive on this thing, and with JT's album "The 20/20 Experience" hitting the shelves today, I figure this is a good place to start. I wanted to buy this album on Itunes as soon as I woke up this morning, but my goddamned sister spent all of my Itunes cash on books because she wants to "enrich her mind". It's 10 AM and I'm ANGRY that I don't have it yet. All signs point to this being the album of the year, and album reviews are talking about this maybe being one of the all time great pop albums, and frankly, I don't doubt it.
     In a way I want to say fuck Justin. Fuck him because his talent goes beyond a level that can be contained, and as a "performer" myself, it makes me sad to see someone this good enter his prime and realize that I'll never be near his radar in my lifetime.  He's incredible man, plain and simple, and he's fucking hot. I would swing for the other side if I was propositioned by Justin, shit. I'm not afraid to admit that, and if you're a guy and you can't admit that, you have self esteem issues and you should go see a therapist. He's the coolest man alive. Frankly I don't think he's actually particularly THAT funny, and a lot of people (mostly girls) would argue that with me, but the fact that he puts the effort in says something about his personality. He loves his fans, he seems to treat people well, and he loves performing. Watch the SNL performance of "Suit and Tie" and tell me you know another person who can pull off a performance like that in this day and age.
      He's so cool that chances are when Jay-Z got the phone call about collaborating, he threw on 19 gold chains and ran out the door to his insane swiss luxury car that we're all probably too poor to know even exists, and flew down the West Side Highway to whatever secret underground recording studio built underneath Battery Park. Just look at these two. Jay-Z used to sell heroine on Flatbush Avenue and shoot people in the face. Now he's making shadow hand puppets at the Golden Globes because Justin wore a maroon bow tie, and it's allllllll good.

    This album is going to be great, one of the greatest and most memorable of ALL TIME, and hardcore music heads might argue it, but they're wrong. I can think of several friends of mine that would argue that this isn't going to be a "Born to Run", or a "Let It Be", but it doesn't have to be. Trying to top The Beatles will not make your album good, in fact that usually backfires. Overproduced music can be shockingly bad. No one can touch The Beatles, because they're The Beatles, stupid. The thing that makes JT different musically is that he does JT. He's not going to pick up a guitar and send chills down your spine with ice cold riffs. He's not jumping on stage and kicking 16 bars, and he's not going to start singing helpless folk songs. He makes pop songs, he just does it better than anyone else and just because he's not going to make an album with ambient Brian Eno strings does not mean his album can't be memorable musically.
  As an overall performer in this generation he's on his own. He's hosted SNL 5 times now, he does movies, talk shows, and live musical performances. He's a rat packer. He's Dino, he's Frank, he's Sammy Davis Jr. It's the only class he can be put in. He's a throwback entertainer who does it all and does most of it pretty well, even though "Friends With Benefits" was the worst piece of shit ever made. Frank and the boys did some bad fucking movies too though (The Cannon Ball Run II...they were all in that) so he gets some slack.
    Look folks, I know this is way out of character for me but I feel like I need to give some dap to some people who deserve it if I'm going to keep slinging shit at people, and if anyone deserves it, it's JT. Today is his day, and I hope he hits a homerun. Also the next post goes pretttttttttty fucking hard on the other Justin, Mr. Bieber, so bare with me on this one while a give a salute to a man who helped mold my childhood. You will have your blood tomorrow.

New Podcast drops Friday with The Kid Mero. Subscribe to me on Soundcloud and the blog.

Twitter-@mikecoscarelli
Instagram- @mikecoscarelli

Make love, not actual inventions
PEACE
  

PODCAST EPISODE 1: TONY DECRISTOFARO

Devoted White heads ( that's your new nickname dickheads, read it and weep). The first episode of the White People Can't Dance podcast is finally up for download on Soundcloud, you can download it right Here. If you're on Soundcloud, hit that follow button. Episode 2 will be up sometime at the end of the week, and features The Kid Mero. I'll have more writing coming this week too because I'm back in school after a week off and would much rather be doing this, than that shit.

PEACE 

PODCAST PROMO

Check the first promo for the podcast which you can download on Itunes starting this Monday, March 18th
VIDEO

LOLZ TO WOMEN IN SPORTS

     Hola amigos (That's Spanish, or Espanol as the French say).  Despite prepping this pain in the ass podcast that is becoming a fucking head ache, and trying to graduate college, I find time to shower you all with knowledge.  Hope you're all doing well, even though only two of you motherfuckers subscribed to this thing so far. Let's get that number up (Gimme checks). 
      In any case, I've been following the news a little more than usual lately, and I keep seeing a fairly common trend in the topics. Women's sports, or women in sports in general, is in my face right now like I owe it money. There's tons of stories happening right now. Danica Patrick won some fucking who gives a shit Nascar event,  Brittany Griner might be (is probably) a boy, but the funniest story BY FAR is this one.

      Let me give you a quick synopsis in case you're not into reading actual hard news. The NFL held a regional scouting combine for the upcoming draft, in my hood, Florham Park, Dirty Jers. Lauren Silberman, an ex female soccer player, showed up and registered to workout as a kicker. Apparently this girl was talking MAD shit to the NFL Network about how she could kick a ball 60+ yards. She was the first female to ever register for these scouting combines, and you're about to find out why. Silberman stepped onto the field with her hollow, peppermint bones to attempt her first kick. She drops the ball, swings her leg back and POW, she tears her quadricep and the kick goes a measly 19 yards. You could put a football in your mouth and spit it farther than 19 yards. She tries a second time to kick the ball, and it sputters through the air 13 yards. What does this prove? Two things. There is a god, and he sure as shit doesn't want women stepping on the football field.
      First off, picture this scenario in your head (even if you're a woman) and tell me this isn't hilarious. You're a liar if you think otherwise. For all the things men say about women trying to play football, or do anything in sports, to see this happen is just too sweet. Of all the scenarios in the world that could have happened this is the one that hits reality. A woman running her mouth like the fastest fucking gun in the west about how she's going to run things at this combine just completely eating shit in front of the people she was gumming at. What happened to 60+ yards Lauren? I'm sorry you, were too busy injuring yourself by swinging your leg in a pendulum motion one time, a motion that everyday people have to do if their car is parked too far from the curb. Also, lets assume this girl actually wasn't completely full of shit and could kick this ball 60+ yards like she said, then what? No matter what, if this girl is on any sort of kickoff team, she'll have to run down field and try to make a tackle. That means she'll be running with NFL athletes on the same playing field, and their mission is to strictly make people swallow their own teeth. This girl would take two steps after the kickoff before Ray Rice crack blocks her into the 4th row of the stands, and she has to order a new ribcage from Overstock.com. The jury is not still out on this ladies, you cannot play sports with us. That's the deal. We're not trying to be mean, we're trying to help you and nurture your emotions, and protect your central nervous system. You would die if you tried to play professional football, and not like "oh you would just dieeeeeeeeeee if you played pro football".  You would literally be erased from this plain of existence, no questions asked.
    Ladies please don't get this twisted, you can still play sports if you really want to, just by yourselves in the summer time when we all have better things to do than watch you, kind of like the WNBA. I always get a nice chuckle when ESPN gets precocious enough to put these highlights up when too many MLB teams have the day off. Consider that your bone ladies. People watch basketball to see giant ape like men throw treacherous slam dunks over each others heads. We do not watch it to see perfectly executed fundamentals and lopsided, dilapidated "titties" bounce up and down the court. If you can even find a woman who watches the WNBA I'll be amazed. It's like black people and Kwanza. You know it's specific to one race of people, but you can't actually find someone that celebrates it.  Below is a break down, sport by sport, on why women cannot be playing sports with men.

Football- Dunno how I can make this one more obvious than the description I gave before. It's cute when a girl in highschool wants to play football because it's a little more possible. There are a lot of pussys playing football at the highschool level. Shit, even I played highschool football (and frankly I probably couldn't even have tackled a girl at 16, certainly not in the bedroom at least).  There's a chance a female could survive a highschool football game, but the NFL is packed to the gills with 300 pound murderers and rapists. Ray Lewis legitimately killed somebody with a shotgun. These dudes are blood thirsty. A 122 pound woman stands 0 chance in the arena of bloodsport with these heathen demigods.

Basketball- I mean you can play with us, but you're going to look stupid. You're taking two astronomical athletic mismatches and putting them on a basketball court together. Lebron James is 6'9 240 pounds with 0 percent body fat. He could jump over the tallest player in the WNBA without a running start and throw down the tomohawk, then dangle off the rim and tea bag Candace Parker's face with his monster dong that is probably the size of certain trees in the North East. Women are safe to play in the NBA, they just wouldn't be good enough to play on any team.  This I why I love the Brittany Griner argument. The question is, since she is androgynous, should she have to play with the boys? The answer of course is no, because she would be riding pine for the whole season. She would be riding pine on Monmouth University's bench. Let whatever it is dominate the women's game until next year when it graduates and fades into obscurity.

Hockey- Let's get serious here. Is there really a question why women can't play a sport with men where fighting is not only allowed, but condoned and promoted? Men can't hit women, so are we going to make a special rule that nulls the law on the grounds of hockey? Na, not likely.

Baseball- To be fair this is probably the only sport that ladies could hang with us in. There's no physical contact, no fist fighting, and little to no murderers or rapists (except for the Venezuelans).  You'd have to be the most bomb ass shortstop to play in the majors, but you could do it. Lay down some bunts, steal some bases and work on your fielding. You may have a shot.

Soccer- LOLZ, Europe

If you're in Jersey, I'm doing standup at The Dublin House in Red Bank on Thursday. The Podcast will be up in 2 weeks, I promise. SUBSCRIBE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO SUBSCRIBE. Hit my Twitter and Instagram @Mikecoscarelli

Peace Yall